To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

Or vice versa. He is thinking that he has told you his intentions for the future, therefore he shouldn't have to force an uncharacteristic response to appease you. If you expressed annoyance, he could quite probably respond with similar feelings of frustration that you haven't t listened.

I’d rather a man made me a cup of tea than be coerced into sending me a romantic text. Romance to me is shown by actions not words. I’ve come to that conclusion from my life experiences so not everyone will feel the same. I don’t care much for words anymore.

I would ignore that comment.

I would agree though that if you are the romantic type - although I don't think it is necessary to be a romantic type to say, 'I love you', then perhaps you aren't going to get that type of love from him. It depends how important it is to you?

I have been with DH for 20 years since our mid twenties and I wouldn't say he was a romantic type in that but even he tells me he loves me and at the beginning it was definitely the case, it was and is quite an intense live though and that can have its own issues. We definitely did have practical conversations about having our first child it was an expression of that love and we both thought that.

But does he show you through actions? Words are cheap, actions are priceless.

If you love him, why don’t you tell him in person? Maybe he’d be better reacting in person.

He's probably thinking about the football.

My DH does both though as do I, surely there is a balance? It isn't forced for us though, I wouldn't want insincere words of love.

I wouldn’t read too much into a lack of words if he’s clearly taking actions to show you he’s committed, reliable and thinking long term.

People show their love and commitment in different ways. Maybe expressing that through words is more important to you than it is to him.

It’s not personally important to me and I think I’m like your DP. I’ve never said anything to that affect about ‘forever / growing old’ etc to my partner as to me spending time together is my way of showing my love. And we didn’t really say I love you for a long while, even though it was always assumed. It really didn’t bother me.

If you want more reassurance through words though then I’d just explain this to him. I don’t see any of what you’ve said as a red flag though.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't tell me they loved me or pay me compliments. As others have said actions are more important but it's also nice to have a partner who says nice things and tells you you are looking good or that you make them happy or whatever.

It's ok to want a partner who does that, despite what some on here will tell you. Dh compliments me a lot - always has. He also shows me that he loves me in different ways. I've always felt very confident in his love for me and I try to reciprocate it so he knows I love him too.

Maybe think carefully about whether he is "the one"?

Op - I think you need to start at the beginning. It’s a year and you are thinking of having a baby. And yet he hasn’t committed to you in any way, you are unmarried and don’t feel remotely loved.

This is in no way a good environment to bring a baby into the world. Op start stating your needs, expectations and boundaries. Unless he can start communicating his feelings and is ready to commit then leave. Don’t waste your life looking for smoke signals.

You deserve better op. He is calling all the shots isn’t he. Almost like you are being played or a place maker. Being a mother is a very vulnerable position, and it is best you are feeling totally secure.

In your opinion, but to me, not. I need words as well as actions, they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Oh dear @Hwi - we can always rely on you for an entirely inappropriate and irrelevant post. 🙄

Genuinely @Hwi is the oddest poster on mumsnet

HQ seem to have a soft spot

Oh, dear, indeed. The world has gone mad - black is white now and white is black, good is evil and evil is good - traditional values laughed at, berated and declared 'inappropriate' - and then the society has the audacity to ask 'why has everything gone to shit' - here is your answer - because to you traditional values are inappropriate and irrelevant. That is why.

If the don't speak the same love language and OP needs verbal assurances, then they aren't suited for each other. OP will always feel unsure and become resentful. Her DP will feel he can't please her. They would need to be genuinely committed to change on both sides to continue.

There's a To Do list here, imo; do with it as you please.

1. First and foremost; tell him you love him. Explain that voicing this is so important to you that you have been too afraid to do it. Ask him how he feels.
2. How often would you like the two of you to verbalise I love you? Or to explain the things you love about each other? Maybe he can do it, maybe he can't. You'll never know till you ask!
3. Don't fall for the psychic love fallacy. If you want something ASK, if you are curious about something ASK, if you need him to do things differently, ASK. You're not needy, and you're not moaning if you ask cheerfully with positive assumptions and an open mind as his answer. He won't tell you his secrets without being asked. He's no more of a mind reader than you are. You don't know how he feels? He could easily say the same.

You said you've been working out finances to see if living together makes sense. I'm sorry but I think that says a lot. It's not about being the romantic soppy type, but if neither one of you is committed to sharing a home, trying for a baby makes no sense.

I thought YWBU until I read that neither of you have ever even said you love each other. That feels really odd, especially since you do and want to say it and want to hear it. I think you need to have a conversation because I don’t think you can even think about a baby with someone when you don’t feel secure enough in the relationship to say I love you.

I've been married for 42 years so I am definitely a "traditional" engagement/marriage/children sort of person, but I'm not a narrow-minded dinosaur who thinks that everyone should dance to the beat of my drum or that time should stand still. You're being completely unrealistic and whilst you don't have to agree with other people's lifestyle choices, being judgemental about them doesn't reflect well on you.

I've been married over 30 years, and the only time DH ever tells me he loves me is when we're apart (on the phone or by text). He just feels uncomfortable saying it. But he shows me that he loves me - I think he expects me to just accept the fact without needing to be told. He comes from a family of undemonstrative men. Maybe your DH is the same?

Grow up and stop being so utterly clingy.

that's an unhelpful and rude comment.

What is exactly 'grown up' about emotionally redundant behaviour.

It’s really not relevant, OP, as far as I can see.
Also: I don’t think you’re incompatible. Neither do I think you were a bit manipulative or whatever a PP said.
Do I think it’s a bit shit? Maybe a tiny bit, in context — but my DH (who is brilliant in many ways) is completely like this. I have learned (mostly!) to accept he has his faults; I have mine… He’s never going to be one for flowery language and big declarations (I’m not saying that’s what you expect) but he does show his love in lots of other ways… It sounds to me as though your DP is similar. If you think you can put up with him being a ‘bit shit’ occasionally, then he sounds like a keeper to me. If you can’t though, then you’re probably not right for each other…

I don’t have an ounce of romance in my bones.
When my now DH told me he’d fallen in love, I asked him ‘who with’?