To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

What utter nonsense! Being in a relationship for a year is not akin to “barely knowing” someone ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️ 🤣

OP, it is important to be compatible in this area.
My husband isn't the verbal type at all, he's actions rather than words.
I definitely have adjusted my expectations and would not consider myself particularly romantic after many years.
I am not a needy person either.
However, I have probably changed who I am to accept who he is.
This is not for everyone and I definitely have friends whose husbands go all out with the gestures etc., because it is absolutely expected of them.

It is important to be in touch with your needs, verbalise them and try and find common ground.

The risk is if you don't you may end up feeling lonely and unfulfilled by your relationship with him.

Definitely worth giving serious thought to.

It's a fairly short time.

Certainly too short to be demanding promises of lifelong devotion.

Yes, yes, some whirlwind romances do occur and thrive. But it certainly doesn't sound as though this man is the type to be party to that sort of rush. Stop hounding him for declarations of amour.

In the context of having children it is, IMO, especially when you don't live together and have no idea how compatible you are on a day-to-day basis.

This.

I don't have children but I'm not sure why telling someone you love them is necessary for that.

probably a good thing you don’t then

Yep, I personally can't think of anything worse

But I also don't see what saying "I love you" to another person has to do with having children? Anyone can say that - it doesn't mean you actually do love them or that you're going to make a good parent or partner.

Actions speak louder than words
if he’s kind, caring and thoughtful, that’s what matters to him.
Talk is cheap

Yes, exactly.

I've had so many people make promises they never keep, say words they clearly don't mean - actions are what matters to me, not all the other stuff.

My family aren't big on the "I love you" stuff either, but they're all there for me when it matters and have never once let me down. That's what's important.

I think the fact that he looked 'astounded' when you asked if he was sure you were the one for him is really romantic, OP. Words are cheap.

I think i probably agree with this.

Nice dodge on not being rude.

Fertility testing should indeed be discussed! They are late 30's with a medical history which could impact it. A year together is plenty long enough for some couples.
Living together is cheaper than on your own so I don't understand why the financial impact is being discussed.

After 1 year of being in a relationship you will only know the basics about somebody.

Or perhaps you're just quite basic?

What, how would I feel if I were just going through the motions of settling down and ticking the boxes of marriage & children, without showing any emotion or love towards my partner? I might feel guilty, or I might not give a shit. Hard to know really, but either way, it’s not something I’d wish on anyone, having been on the receiving end myself.

The way you express love sounds quite different OP and I think it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about how you’d like it to be expressed in future, maybe he will be able to work on it. I grew up in a household where love was shown but NEVER expressed in words. I always felt a bit lost because I like it both said and shown. I ended up marrying a man I adore who is good at saying the words but less good at showing it. Now I wish he was better at showing it - it is what it is.
I am happy with my husband, I’ve accepted he does what he feels comfortable with and we try to meet half way.

In regards to your lovely message, try not to take what happened to heart. It’s possible your boyfriend just felt a bit uncomfortable and didn’t know how to respond because he had no experience. Or you sent it at a time when he was busy. If my husband had a moment like that and I was at work he’d be lucky to get a response at all because I’d be too busy to see it. I would likely wait and have my feelings expressed when we were together in person.
People express things differently.

Thanks all. I spoke to him this morning and asked if my text had made him uncomfortable and that was why he went so quiet. He assured me that was absolutely not the case. As a couple of PPs rightly pointed out, the heart emoji was his reply and then he got on with his day without a second thought.

In terms of why we haven’t told each other we love each other yet, I don’t have a good answer. Funnily enough when we spoke today he made a joke about whether I was going to leave him for his poor emoji use.

I said I couldn’t possibly leave him because….

To which he replied “go on…because what?? Say it!”

and we joked back and forth for a while. Ultimately we still didn’t say it as it’s not something I want to say over the phone and I had to get to work.

I realise in the MN universe that people will tell me this was immature and silly, but I’d argue that falling for someone can call
for being a bit silly and fun. We are serious when we need to be and when I see him next we’ll talk about it.

I’m sharing it because I thought it was a nice update to this story, not because I want to get torn down for it (please, thanks).

It was one snippet of a conversation I acknowledge was silly. It was just an anecdote. There are 10000 other elements to our relationship that can’t be covered in an internet forum post.

@Trivialfacets yes we do - that’s why I stay. If we split it would cause massive upheaval and hardship for them for multiple reasons. We actually get on and co-parent well but are basically like 2 platonic friends who live together, compounded by DH’s physical and mental health issues. It’d need a whole new thread to explain, but I hate to see anyone else potentially getting themselves into my situation of feeling like their partner doesn’t really care about them.