To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

So you aren’t for affirmation either given you haven’t told him this

Not sure why you're miffed then? He's doing all the running and initiating all these types of conversations. You by your own admission havent told him you love him either.

I’m only miffed at the part where I said something nice, in reference to our future, a few hours later and he barely responded . He’d been enthusiastically texting back until I said that. He’s probably completely oblivious but it felt a bit like he was proving my earlier point, or at least had completely disregarded it,

So the entire thread is about his emoji response to a message?

Proving what point? It sounds like you expect him to run up your bum with lots of proclamations. Whilst you don't put any planning into the future relationship unless he suggests it first.

I think the issue is you have completely different communication styles. I think you need to slow down. Maybe a home first then see if it works before needing the baby talk? I think in the world of social media a lot is projected about how relationships should be but in the real world they are all different!

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

I can’t deal with this sort of soppy talk.
I wouldn’t have said anything soppy back either.

Words are irrelevant.
He could tell you how much he loves you every day but it doesn’t mean he would mean it or show it.

Actions speak louder than words and he’s showing you he sees a future with you by his actions, instead of just spouting nonsense and telling you what you want to hear.

However, that is him and this is you.
It’s very difficult for either of you to be something you’re not and so I’d be deciding whether you want a lifetime of this because it won’t get any better.

Me and DH said it to each other when we had known each other 2 months. 3 months later we got married. Celebrate our 45th wedding anniversary this year and are still happy and in love

Yes but presumably you’d already said I love you!!!

this op hasn’t even said I love you but she is wanting declarations of growing old together

Complete overthinking, and very needy and insecure on your part. If the posts came from an 18 yr old on her first rodeo I'd understand.

You should always follow your instinct. If you don't like his communication and need him to do better (he won't) then it's time to think about how much investment you will put into this relationship.

He sounds like a great chap to me. But it doesn't come across that way from your perspective. I think the more needy you become, the less available he will be.

Relax and enjoy your partnership. It's very early days though, and your expectations are huge for such a short time together.

I suppose in literal term, yes.

We’d been texting away about random stuff for 20 mins or so. I’m not sure the moment to swiftly exit the conversation and not resurface (so far) for hours, was the point at which I’d told him I wanted to grow old with him! It just felt a bit shit.

In retrospect, I’m not sure I’ve ever known him to heart emoji a text before. He’ll either reply with words, or not at all. So it was just a bit rubbish.

Well, I would consider a heart emoji a lovey-dovey reply to my lovey-dovey text, though I get what you're saying; it is also a pretty standard and basic reply.

But it sounds like the bottom line here is that you're not sure if he's really super into you vs. more just finding you a convenient option to settle down with at this stage of his life.

However, I don't know if him making vows of love to you would change that or not, though. After all, some guy saying all the lovey-dovey stuff doesn't mean much either, does it? In other words, talk is cheap anyway. I mean, some people start blabbing on about love on the third date. And of course some people just don't care for the lovey-dovey talk. That's how I am. I find it kind of cringey and embarrassing to hear or to say, even if it is how I feel.

I think you said he's never had a serious partner. If he's in his late thirties, I'd find that to be another cause for possible concern.

This may be way off but his not getting it that you're expected to tell the woman you love that you love her, and his not having had a serious relationship at his age, put together, makes me wonder if he's mildly on the autism spectrum.

You could start by reading up on it online, if you think it might fit. And/or consider pre-marital counseling to help you sort this out. It could also be your own insecurity that's the real issue here, after all.

But I completely get wanting to be sure that you're not just an interchangeable function-filler for this guy, before getting your life more entangled with his. Good luck with it.

Have you ever told him you love him?

My DH is soppy as anything and we've been together forever.

He very often just replies to things with a heart.

To me a heart means "this is a lovely message, I don't have a reply but I want you to know it made me warm and happy"

IMO that can be appropriate response to a friend sending a puppy picture or to a lover sending a heartful message. The former does not devalue the latter. The "romantic love level" of a heart reaction is set by the message it reacts to, if you see what I mean - it reflects the sentiment with which a message was sent back to the sender :)

Maybe his mate turned up, maybe he had a nap, maybe he couldn't be arsed with thinking you wanted to rehash the previous conversation. I'd personally find you hard work. Either enjoy the relationship for where it's at now, or end it if it's not to your taste.

Yes, this is a love language thing. I’m not overly romantic and not one for romantic notes etc but I have (or rather, had) other ways to show affection. I admit I would hate to feel I had to reciprocate in kind if it wasn’t my thing.

I've just seen that you've not said it either.

Surely you're being a bit of a hypocrite?

Sorry I just had to laugh. A bustard is a bird of prey. 😂😂

I’ve been with my DH 20+ yrs , we never “ declared “ our undying love for each other in words so to speak, apart from the standard “ I love you”
Words to me means nothing, if he shows his love through behaviour I’m perfectly happy . I wouldn’t know how to respond to a soppy message, a 👍 or a ❤️will be my best

Tbf I can see why it would be nice for you to have that reassurance

but you will get your ass kicked on here for various reasons

try to accept the guy is serious about you but just isn’t into huge declarations

I do think it a bit odd you’s haven’t said I love you but it’s not the end of the world and there’s no laws saying it must be said!

I think it’s a bit shit, and similar to my DH. I honestly think if he never saw me again he’d be fine about it, other than the logistical/financial implications. Is your DP just going through the motions of “settling down?” If so, life is too short for that shit so don’t settle for someone who makes you question their feelings.

and how would you feel if vice versa?

If he's not one for compliments he probably just didn't know what to say, so thought a heart would cover it. Or maybe he 'hearted' it to show that he loved it, or agrees with what you said. The not responding for hours isn't related to your message, that's clearly just his way, as you said.

By the way, if you've watched "adolescence" on Netflix, the male detective says at one point that he sends a heart to his wife when he doesnt know what to say! Maybe it's a man thing and you're probably over thinking it.

This is good to hear.

Lots of great insight in response to my post, actually! I was expecting to be torn apart,

To the poster that said I was needy though, as far as he knows I’m the least demanding woman ever. This is exactly why I brought my concern here rather than to him. And I don’t think my earlier question to him about why he was choosing to settle down now, was unreasonable!

A bit needy from you, OP.

He's a bloke. They're often a bit shit with phones and feelings.

He's showing all of the signs of serious commitment. I don't know why that's not good enough for you.

Seems like a you problem, though.