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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was just a bit shit

181 replies

Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 14:01

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

OP posts:
WaterMonkey · 23/03/2025 16:01

Commecicommeca26 · 23/03/2025 15:00

People are making out you are overacting but this is an important time to decide if this is something you can live with.

As we’ve gotten older, I’ve found DH’s lack of emotional expression harder to live with and have realised how mismatched we are in this respect. It’s ok for them to not express it, it’s ok for you to want someone that does but it might be time to accept that this isn’t the relationship for you if you aren’t getting what you need.

Yes, I agree with this. It is OK to be someone who needs words of reassurance as well as actions - that doesn’t make you immature or a difficult partner necessarily. It’s also OK for him to not be a words kind of guy.

The question then becomes whether this is something you can live with. My partner and I have had to meet each other half way on this issue. It can be done.

I would tell him how the ‘ditto’ heart made you feel, calmly, not framing it as him having got something ‘wrong’. I don’t think whether any of us think you’re (un)reasonable is important here. The important thing is finding out whether you can compromise with each other. Life is going to feel pretty long if you feel starved of the kind of communication you need to be happy. And it’s going to feel pretty long for him if he constantly feels he’s not articulate enough to make you happy.

BaggyPJs · 23/03/2025 16:02

Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 15:23

I’m only miffed at the part where I said something nice, in reference to our future, a few hours later and he barely responded . He’d been enthusiastically texting back until I said that. He’s probably completely oblivious but it felt a bit like he was proving my earlier point, or at least had completely disregarded it,

Edited

He did respond.

Uncharacteristically soppy message would be enough for many people who aren't soppy to end the conversation at that point. He acknowledged your message he just didn't reply the way YOU want him to. He's not had a personality transplant. He's told you he sees a long term relationship, after only a year of dating. What more do you want? If you want something specific from him to make you feel secure, tell him what that is and accept that he may not want to do it.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2025 16:04

NotHavingAFunTime · 23/03/2025 14:04

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings

You either have to accept this completely, or spend your future together constantly pissed off and upset.

This.

Mine isn’t one for that stuff either. But I know he loves me by the lots and lots of loving things he does not says.

You just have to accept that.

My ex was very complimentary and romantic And he was an arsehole.

ginasevern · 23/03/2025 16:05

I know it's a bit stereotypical but men don't generally do "sloppy" language and gestures. They usually show their love and appreciation in a practical way. I mean, this very difference in the sexes has been the subject of many a film and book since time immemorial!

Original poster
Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:06

Radish81 · 23/03/2025 14:04

Poor chap

Why? He’s completely oblivious to this, assuming he hasn’t joined MN today.

OP posts:
faerietales · 23/03/2025 16:08

Soppy messages make some people quite uncomfortable - I know I probably fall into that category. I just always end up feeling a bit embarrassed and like I don't know what to say.

I've also known so many people who are good with words but never follow through with actions - so I think messages like that can feel a bit performative too.

Poppyseeds79 · 23/03/2025 16:09

Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:01

This is good to hear.

Lots of great insight in response to my post, actually! I was expecting to be torn apart,

To the poster that said I was needy though, as far as he knows I’m the least demanding woman ever. This is exactly why I brought my concern here rather than to him. And I don’t think my earlier question to him about why he was choosing to settle down now, was unreasonable!

Show quote history

It's not healthy to project that you're someone you're not though. Or to try and bury it if it's bothering you. You'll just end up building more resentment and he won't know why.

As others have said have a conversation with him once he resurfaces about both of your preferred methods of expressing love languages and you might have more insight into each other's.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 23/03/2025 16:12

Poor sod

AngelicKaty · 23/03/2025 16:12

Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:06

Why? He’s completely oblivious to this, assuming he hasn’t joined MN today.

Show quote history

😂 I agree.
To be honest OP, I think you've got one of those "actions speak louder than words" type of blokes. If the words mean so much to you, he may not be the right chap for you, but that doesn't actually sound like the case, particularly as he's told you in a F2F conversation that your relationship feels right to him (those are some pretty powerful words!), not to mention fertility treatment and longer term living location.
Good for you for posting on here to "vent" rather than going back to your chap OP - I think that was the right decision.
Do you know what his plans were for this afternoon? Maybe he was up against a hard deadline, hence the heart emoji response to your last message - at least it was that, which is nice, rather than silence!

Trovindia · 23/03/2025 16:15

materialgworl · 23/03/2025 14:47

I’ll tell you this, he is not the man for you. And that doesn’t mean he’s a bad man. You can’t get from him what you want, and you’ll resent him - unfairly so. Move on, for both your sakes

I agree. My DH is the same and after 17 years of marriage I just feel so unloved. I need words of affirmation and he just can't do it. Even the kids comment because he doesn't say anything nice to them either.

If it's bothering you now OP, it will only get worse.

BubbaHorovitz · 23/03/2025 16:15

Let me tell you now, this is NEVER going to change. He is who he is and you need to take it or leave it.

Maybe have a skim through the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

GoldPoster · 23/03/2025 16:16

I think in the context of the previous conversation, followed a bit later by an unusually soppy message, if I were in his shoes, I’d be feeling as though you were trying to manipulate me.

Original poster
Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:17

Poppyseeds79 · 23/03/2025 16:09

It's not healthy to project that you're someone you're not though. Or to try and bury it if it's bothering you. You'll just end up building more resentment and he won't know why.

As others have said have a conversation with him once he resurfaces about both of your preferred methods of expressing love languages and you might have more insight into each other's.

Show quote history

I don’t know that I’m pretending to be someone I’m not, as much as I’m trying to have a healthier, more open minded approach where I’m not expecting someone to behave exactly as I want and making them feel like shit if they don’t. It’s more about personal growth while still having reasonable boundaries,

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:18

GoldPoster · 23/03/2025 16:16

I think in the context of the previous conversation, followed a bit later by an unusually soppy message, if I were in his shoes, I’d be feeling as though you were trying to manipulate me.

This was definitely not my intention but I am disappointed to hear it could be perceived that way.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/03/2025 16:19

Doesn't sound as if you are suited Op as he's not really giving you what you want/need.

I mean maybe you can tell him & maybe he can try, but wouldn't you then be wondering if he meant it or was just saying it because you wanted him to?

So how does splitting up sound to you?

mumda · 23/03/2025 16:20

Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 14:24

That’s really personal and not really relevant to this thread.

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Oh it is.

Original poster
Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:21

diddl · 23/03/2025 16:19

Doesn't sound as if you are suited Op as he's not really giving you what you want/need.

I mean maybe you can tell him & maybe he can try, but wouldn't you then be wondering if he meant it or was just saying it because you wanted him to?

So how does splitting up sound to you?

I’d be devastated. He’s wonderful and I love him (even if I’ve never told him!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:21

mumda · 23/03/2025 16:20

Oh it is.

Show quote history

Nonetheless I’ll politely decline to disclose my medical history here, thank you,

OP posts:
Hwi · 23/03/2025 16:22

The man should do the running, not the other way around. The man should, before getting the comforts in the form of healthy (un-diseased) sex and hot meals, propose and marry the object of his adoration. Why do everything back to front? I.e. have sex and then marry? Why?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/03/2025 16:23

Honestly, I am just like him. I cannot be emotional, it just isn't me. I feel awkward, and stupid and fake. I show the people I love that I love them all the time, by my actions. I wouldn't have known how to respond to your text either, anything I said would have felt forced and fake, like I was only saying it cause you told me to do you wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/03/2025 16:24

It’s up to you if you can live with it @Cyrilblack I couldn’t. I need words of affirmation and loads of couples do.

YourLuckyPearlGoose · 23/03/2025 16:25

I’m not sure he’s The One. You will always feel his communication style lacks the emotional reassurances you want.

diddl · 23/03/2025 16:26

I’d be devastated. He’s wonderful and I love him (even if I’ve never told him!)

Perhaps that's your answer then.

My first husband talked the talk but he left me for someone else, so I suppose I'm biased!

mumda · 23/03/2025 16:26

Cyrilblack · 23/03/2025 16:21

Nonetheless I’ll politely decline to disclose my medical history here, thank you,

Show quote history

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.
He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

But you're considering fertility treatment for having a baby with someone who you don't live with and you're not convinced he likes you enough to be with you long term?

I think it's really relevant.
Do you talk about fertility treatment with every man you meet?

Your conversation with him feels very confused. Are you ready for a long term living together relationship?

Meanwhile33 · 23/03/2025 16:27

You can’t make an honest man behave in a way that doesn’t feel natural to him. So you need to work out if this lack of romantic language is something that will wear you down and make you unhappy over the years, or if you can find a way to be ok with it, because you can’t make him be different to how he is.

It might be wiser to cut your losses because your styles are mismatched. I think if you want to be with him you need to be more honest about who you are and what you want. It’s a bit sad that you love him but haven’t told him and he hasn’t said it either.