To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

1 year.

You barely know each other.

So you say “i love you” to him
and it’s greeted with tumbleweed?

Not a chance I’d be saying to anyone that I saw my entire life with them when I’d been dating for a year and didn’t live together

I’ve never said it either. We’ve danced around it but I’ve been burnt by a former partner who didn’t say it back, so I’ve not said it.

So you got in an arse with him because he had t said he saw the rest of his life with you

but neither of you have even said I love you

So what is this thread about??

I had both moved in with my ex husband and said that long before a year. Granted our marriage didn’t last for other reasons but we were together a decade.

What’s yours and his past relationship history given both in late thirties?

does he or you have children from a previous rel?

You. Were. Living. Together.

I’ll tell you this, he is not the man for you. And that doesn’t mean he’s a bad man. You can’t get from him what you want, and you’ll resent him - unfairly so. Move on, for both your sakes

I’m not sure I understand what this means.

You said you moved in with your ex and said you saw spending your life with your ex way before a year

but you haven’t moved in with this chap, you haven’t even said I love you yet

OP, you sound incredibly needy and hard work. You're very young for late 30s

People are making out you are overacting but this is an important time to decide if this is something you can live with.

As we’ve gotten older, I’ve found DH’s lack of emotional expression harder to live with and have realised how mismatched we are in this respect. It’s ok for them to not express it, it’s ok for you to want someone that does but it might be time to accept that this isn’t the relationship for you if you aren’t getting what you need.

OP, I think everything is going to be just fine. He quite possibly is the man for you - as long as you can accept that he shows his love in ways that are not verbal.
For what it’s worth, my DP is a lot like this - never ever tells me I look nice, almost never says he loves me, never speaks of us and our relationship or our feeling for each other at all. He likes to talk of practical matters or topics outside of ‘us’ like current affairs or hobbies.
When we were first together I struggled with that a bit because I felt I needed affirmation and reassurance.
It turns out I don’t need those things. I just need him to be what he is - gentle, reliable, loving, thoughtful, practical, fun.
We’ve been together for 10 years and I think I grow happier every year. It’s the way he is and I wouldn’t change him.
Other men have been far more verbose and much poorer partners.

Some people (I’m one of them), don’t do soppy texts or words of affirmation. I would find the sort of thing you seem to want really uncomfortable. As would my DH.

However, that doesn’t mean you’re wrong to want what you want. It’s not a moral binary. He’s not doing anything wrong either, though. So, no, not a bit shit, imo.

I’ll share the whole context…

we were talking about how he’d never properly settled down before.

Me: well why now?

Him: what do you mean why now?

me: why now with me?

Him: Because I met you and realised it just felt right. What a strange question.

me: well not really, because you’ve actually never really said that you felt I was the one, or anything like that.

Him; but we talk about the future all the time. We’ve just been talking about fertility testing and what area we’d fancy living in. I thought it was obvious I wanted to be with you long term!

He then said multiple times throughout the evening that he couldn’t believe I didn’t realise he saw a future with me.

This was fine. It’s not unlike him to speak from a pragmatic perspective and not verbalise his emotions. At that point I didn’t give it much thought.

The thread was more that a matter of hours later (feeling comforted by his reassurance) , I said something uncharacteristically soppy. It wasn’t off-the-bat, it was in response to something he said about getting old.

And bar the acknowledgement of the emoji, I’ve not heard from him since! That’s rare but not unheard of.

I just feel like “come on mate, you wonder why I pointed out that you don’t really talk about your feelings for me! I’ve said something really nice there and you’ve barely responded since!”

Writing it down, it doesn’t seem the end of the world, which is exactly why I wrote about it here as this is always a good place for some sensible perspective.

Would that not have been the time to say I love you? Either of you?

Uncalled for and nasty post. And untrue - she does not sound like hard work. She has been taking this relationship on HIS terms - he hasn’t said I love you so neither has she. He has brought up the topic of starting a family so she has engaged with that. She has recently opened up a conversation with him about her feelings. She really hasn’t been in any way demanding or difficult as far as we can tell.

So, you’ve never once him you love him, but you’re annoyed that he isn’t showering you with romantic compliments? That’s a bit hypocritical, no? Why should he say ‘I love you’ if you won’t? He might have been ‘burnt’ too for all you know.

Sorry, but you’re being ridiculous. He suggested thinking about starting a family with you. He clearly sees you as a life partner. He sent you a heart when you sent him romantic text. He doesn’t have to put his feelings into words when he’s pretty much demonstrating how he feels. You can’t force someone into being comfortable with this stuff.

Thank you, this is super useful.

do you love him op?

You’ve just described my partner to a T. I think this type of men SHOW these feelings rather than voice them. As you said, you’ve been talking about stating a family, etc. I doubt he would talk about that if you weren’t the one he sees a future with.

I have had this discussion with my partner in the past and he was like “we talk about our plans when we retire” (we are only in our 30s and 40s😂) and he’s right, he talks practically about our future together rather than romanticising it and it sounds like your partner might be the same. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t think romantically about your life together ☺️

Yes. I do.

What I’ve learnt is that a person can’t be everything. He’s missing the soppiness but I bet he’s got other great qualities that other men don’t. It’s about learning what you can and can’t live without.
You can’t make someone behave in a way that isn’t natural to them.
It’s why I’ve decided to be eternally single and meet men depending on what I’m needing at that time!