To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

@Cyrilblack my dh is exactly like your dp. We've been together 30 years and are very happy.

But we do have different love languages. When we were first together, he used a line from a film to declare his feelings, one that doesn't even say the actual 3 little words. And once during a discussion about our relationship he described it as 'having some practical benefits'. My face was a picture and we still laugh about all of it now. It's just that romantic words and thoughts don't come readily to him. Both those examples, however, have become part of our shared humour and life. One evening after a particularly lovely and close sunset walk, he said I still had some practical benefits

Like you, I sometimes need to hear words spoken that affirm his feelings towards me. He needs me to want to spend quality time with him (e.g. accompanying on a long drive to do his hobby, even if I just go for a walk and coffee on my own while he participates).
I show my love through thoughful gifts / events that he would enjoy. He shows his love through acts of service (I've not done any laundry for years!).

For us it's about working out how best to communicate between us so that we both know that we are loved. Sometimes I remind dh that he might need to speak some words (without making it into a joke), other times I need to remind myself that him doing the laundry (washing, drying, ironing, putting away) is part of his demonstration of commitment.

The important thing is not to sulk if his communication style doesn't match yours. And visa versa.

This does sound like a good update :)

I think you’ll be fine, OP. He sounds lovely 😍

I don't see anything terminal here, OP, but it seems like the both of you are still dancing around your feelings and the future. And I don't know about him, but you're certainly not able to have the mature conversations with him. All of that can be normal, of course, for a relationship a year long – but this is not kids planning territory whatsoever. You need to be in a MUCH more secure and certain place where this dance is not happening anymore.

You are BU, he doesn't look at his phone all the time is rather a positive. Everyone is different as other posters have said actions mean more than words.