To think this was just a bit shit

[Cyrilblack]

I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t bring it up to DP unnecessarily…

He’s not one for compliments or talking about romantic feelings. He’s a wonderful partner and we are making practical steps towards our future together.

I pointed out to him yesterday that he’s never actually told me that I’m the person he wants to be with long term, or anything to that effect and that sometimes it actually left me wondering.

He was astounded and pointed out we’d just been talking about fertility testing for planning a family, and we’d been working out our finances to see if it made sense to live together. And we spend all our time together. He was genuinely confused that I’d even question it.

I couldn’t disagree, of course, but I did say it would be nice to actually hear those kind of things. He was reassuring and we moved on.

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

He gave me one of those heart emoji’s people use to “like” a WhatsApp, and I’ve not heard from him since.

He does have a tendency to leave his phone alone for hours and reappear when he feels like, and I don’t like it at the best of times, but I do respect it.

In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that, I just think it’s a bit shit!

I thought I’d post it here rather than making a fuss but I’m a bit miffed!

I think some people are just like that. I know someone who has been with his partner for probably 10 years now, is a committed husband and father, but he’s just not particularly good at showing affection or emotions. She’s actually had to ask him to say I love you, I think after 10 months together even.

It wouldn’t work for me because I need/enjoy the reassurance, but there’s no questioning he’s a good partner to her.

True but I’ve had many lovely declarations of love in my life but unfortunately they weren’t backed up by actions. To have both is lovely but I personally don’t needs words if actions show me. I no doubt have been affected by my life’s relationship disappointments.

I recognise the tune - 'I am engagement/marriage/children', but there are other ways for others, meaning 'let others cock up and ruin their lives whilst we look on them benignly and understandingly'. Same people who say 'university is not for everyone' about other people's kids, yet would die themselves if their darlings don't get accepted to the uni of their first choice. I know far too many, 'not narrow-minded people' to trust them.

Why would you marry someone you hadn't had sex with? And major ick at undiseased sex 🤢

It's not shit at all op. Gushy, lovey dovey stuff isn't for everyone. You have to accept that. You sound insecure, it's probably worth exploring that a bit. If you are honest with yourself is your need for you dh to shower you with love and reassurance because you have doubts over what he feels for you or is it linked to some sort of previous rejection? I think it makes a difference.

It would also be sensible to remind yourself of all the poor women on here who get love bombed and then once they are trapped with kids realise their dh is abusive. People who bang on about their emotions and commitment don't always measure up and I tend to measure people by their actions rather than what they say.

I don't have to "let others cock up and ruin their lives whilst we look on them benignly and understandingly" - it's their business, not mine. Other people's lifestyle choices don't personally affect me, any more than they do you, and you tilting at windmills on MN makes no difference at all.

You express your feelings in different ways, that's all!

Do the love languages quiz together. We found it great.

Okay so I have a completely different perspective. To me his response sounded overly dramatic and odd that instead of reassuring you immediately and directly that of course he wants to be with you he seemed to spend more time saying he couldn’t believe you hadn’t already figured this out. Interesting. Secondly, I find it strange personally that rather than committing to you through something like at a minimum living together, he first wants you to have fertility tests. See to me I’d have thought a more logical way if you love someone is to trail living together first and ensure that you are both compatible as ‘spending all free time together’ and actually living together 24/7 with all the associated chores and banality as well as fun is totally different. Once compatibility has been established and feelings still remain mutually strong, shouldn’t fertility tests only come then? So I could be wrong but to me that feels like he wants to know the chances of you being able to have children first and only thereafter can he truly see a life with you. That may well account for why he hasn’t directly told you that you’re the one, that he loves you or responded fully when you made a romantic comment about growing old together. Because until those tests are through he doesn’t know if you really are who he wants to be with. Maybe an unpopular opinion and I hope it isn’t the case but as should be the case with all relationships, please do proceed with caution.

Neither of them have said they love each other, and she hasn't said that he doesn't say nice things or tell her she looks nice. That's very different to grand "soul mate, together forever etc etc".

He said he knew because he met her and it felt tight? Isn't that pretty luvvy divvy special?!

You shouldn’t have kids with someone who doesn’t tell you that they love you directly.

You also shouldn’t have kids with someone you’ve never lived with.

(Unless it a practical arrangement, which I don’t think you want)

I would be very cautious.

My DH is great with words and tells me all the time how much he loves me, screeds of deep and meaningful romantic words, also cheated on me for a year. I don't think words really have that much meaning to be honest, for some people I'm sure they do but they'd never 'reassure' me. People can say anything but the way they choose to live their life tells you the truth.

I find this a bit concerning about your relationship. When I read your posts I wondered if you are generally a bit emotional insecure or if you feel emotionally insecure with him.

Did he tell that he thinks you are the "least demanding woman" he knows? Is this something that matters to him? Does he generally think of women as "demanding"?

In either case, it looks like you are already walking on egg shells with him. This could be either due to insecurities on your part, his behavior or both. I think it's worth examining before you plan a future together. In a secure relationship, with both parties communicating in a mature way, you should be able to discuss these things.

Hey OP, I don't think you are insecure or needy like other PPs have suggested!

I married a man very much capable of showing love via his words and his actions. The two should match. It is not unreasonable or needy to expect them to.

I personally would be concerned that he hadn't told me he loved me. I would never say I love you first to a guy (and have never had to!)

The lack of emotional reassurance and pulling back after you expressed deep emotion towards him together with the fact he is late 30s and never settled down would be red flags to me of potentially an avoidant man. Also the fact that you clearly don't feel secure in your relationship otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. As PPs have said tread carefully and protect your heart.

"You shouldn’t have kids with someone who doesn’t tell you that they love you directly."

Why? Words are only one (of many) ways to show love. I honestly can't remember the last time DH told he loved me, but he shows me every single day.

He only '❤️'d' a soppy whatsApp?? Omg that's terrible and I'm so sorry!! You should definitely LTB.

And do you have children with him? Did you start TTC before either of you had told one another you loved one another?

I really don’t mean to be rude, but you both sound quite immature, given that you’re late 30’s. Having children isn’t just something to tick off a life list of ‘things to do before you die’. If you don’t at least start off being completely committed to each other and your relationship then please don’t bring children into the equation. It’s hard enough when you both believe you’ll be together forever, but a recipe for disaster when it appears you still keep each other at arms length.

Not everyone is soppy. I’m like you and would love to hear more compliments and soppiness but my partner is the non soppy kind. You just learn to live with it and see the ways they show you how they feel. Like making breakfast in bed, always bringing you a coffee when your working, spending hours trying to create/replicate your favourite ever meal, the little things that are their love language. Not being able to express romantic emotions doesn’t mean they love you any less

You aren't living together, presumably you're both single and you don't have children jointly. He may not be thinking he does want to grow old with you, although if that's how you feel towards him, then I hope he does feel the same. If it matters this much to you then you're going to have to talk to him, not random internet folks. I suspect it's fairly unusual for people in your situation to be considering growing old with one person when they've not known the person for that long. All the best.

I would say you're putting unecessary pressure on the relationship.

This:
In the context of yesterday’s conversation though, and after a soppy text like that

You had a conversation yesterday. You really ought to leave it alone for a bit after that. Not press for more affirmation and feel down when you aren't getting it.

After a serious conversation people often need a bit of headspace, it can be a lot. Pushing it more and more and then not hearing exactly what you want to here can be exhausting and disappointing for you both.

I'm not sure it is. Plenty of people will live with someone an even have a child with someone they won't marry. It's strange for others, but it does happen.

I don't have children but I'm not sure why telling someone you love them is necessary for that.

Plenty of men say those words and turn out to be shit partners and parents. I'd rather a man show his love through his daily actions.

There was no need for that, that’s nasty.

This. Stop obsessing over juvenile things like WhatsApp messages. It's cringe.

Well said.

You are entitled to want what you want, but you are not entitled to latch onto someone and then re-mould them to suit your needs. Either you like him as-is, or you go off and find someone who's into soppy texting and "romantic affirmations." It's not fair to pressurize him to conform to your fantasies.

I don't see this working out long-term.