Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

[Flowersinthehood]

DC is in year 5, we were speaking amongst us (the parents in the class) about the year six residential trip next year. It’s five days, three hours drive away doing activities and stuff that most children would probably enjoy doing with their friends.
My DC has SEN and is emotionally about two years younger. She still needs some help with dressing, time management etc, making sure she has things she needs, even more so than most kids of her age.
That said, I really want her to go on the residential trip. I have such fond memories of my trip. I know she’s not me though, and she’s not a kid of the nineties.
So many other parents said they didn’t think their kids would go, or they didn’t want them to. The main reason was anxiety (the child’s), them not trusting school, didn’t see a need for it as they did lots of activities ‘as a family’ (failing to see how much more fun it would be with friends), kids haven’t slept in anyone else’s house or been apart from them.
It made me think about how much has changed. I grew up in a council estate (whilst we live in an affluent area now) and we were out and about on our bikes. Kids walked to the local shop on their own from around 7, no real discussion of stranger danger.
My DC hasn’t had any of these experiences. We parents manage her social life, we are cautious about knowing friends families before she goes for play dates. I’m a single parent so she goes to her dads for sleepovers but hasn’t been anywhere else to sleep.
Are we unrealistic to expect our children to cope with the same things at the same age when they have so much less freedom?

I think its up to the parents to let go..... gently. I used to let my son go to the shop by himself when he was 9 . But to come straight back home. It is nerve wracking though. I always used to panic if I heard a ambulance/police siren when they were walking to school.

I was talking about just this with my DC’s form tutor yesterday - the number of children in their year (also Y5) who are unable to cope with a 2 night residential is surprising. Personally I suspect it is partially down to the pandemic and there having been fewer opportunities to have sleepovers etc.
My DC is in the incredibly lucky position of going on a Europe trip in the Easter hols with school - whilst I’m obviously nervous about them going so far away, I think it is important to encourage them to spread their wings like this, and gain independence.
But equally I have another DC with SEN, who would find that very very stressful, so I suppose it is courses for horses.
I do think residentials can be great formative experiences for the kids though. I went on choir and orchestra tours as a teenager that were some of the best times I ever had, as well as language exchanges.

They only have less freedom if you don’t allow them to though. My dc have been walking themselves to play with friends from probably 5 and 8, respectively. We live on a farm. Neighbours live on a farm. It’s across two/three fields (no livestock, no roads). Mine have had sleepovers, camps, residentials from 6/7. My youngest did a one night Beaver camp last year at 6. Eldest went on school residentials from Y4. Y6 residential was 5 nights in France. Y7 enrichment week is a week in Germany. Both of mine pivotal ages during the pandemic too.

But I’m not one of those parents who is terrified of my children doing everything. I’m vigilant and sensible, yes. I monitor internet use very carefully. My secondary school one is not allowed social media at all. They cannot go to friends’ houses if I don’t know the parents. But I let them walk themselves to the bus stop and back. I let them go on trips if they want to. We have a parent in one of my dc’s classes who won’t even let her ds go on day trips (like to the theatre or to London) with school because she “doesn’t trust them”. He doesn’t have SEN as far as I know, seems to want to go, but she’s just too anxious. Some of the others go and stay at hotels nearby on residentials, even the ones an hour away, so that they can pick them up immediately if necessary.

It’s really important to build independence and resilience in kids, as long as you can generally keep them safe. I am the first one who will jump and sort out an issue if necessary, but I let them make mistakes first if it’s safe to do so. I don’t think the nervous nellys are doing their kids any good, but they won’t see the implications til too far down the road sadly.

I agree - it is the parents' anxiety spreading to the child.

I've got friends running groups in scouting and guiding. Brownie and cub camps are still run, often with numbers having to be limited due to a lack of volunteers rather than a lack of children. These are 7/8 yo upwards. Even beavers and rainbows have sleepovers at 5/6.

Children are missing out on so much due to parental anxiety.

I think there’s a big difference between year 5 and year 6 - my DD’s year 6 residential was 3 days, was held right at the end if the year after SATs, and nearly every child in the year went on it — even kids who in year 5 would still not have been ready to.

You’ll be surprised at how more grown-up they are in just over a year’s time!

It's mad for the school to expect any of the kids to go on a year 6 residential, when they themselves won't allow year 5s the walk to school. It's schools themselves that infantalise these kids.
Fortunately DS did walk to school even though it was not allowed and did go on the trip. One of the few

I loved residential trips as a kid in the 90s but my cousins were very high anxiety even then and basically incapable of staying away from home (not hugely privileged kids, streetwise estate kids as you describe). I think parents were more likely to make kids go back then regardless of if they wanted to?

I don’t know to be honest.

I know there were a lot of benefits to a free range sort of childhood, especially with regard to weight, but there were a lot of drawbacks as well which never seem to be talked about on here, or denied furiously.

The way I see it is that my children will move out soon enough and I will have the best part of two decades without them; I’m not in a desperate rush for them to go on a residential.

As a cub leader, I've noticed a lot more homesickness and fear in the last couple of years, especially from the current Yr6 age group, with some in the current Yr5 as well.

We think it may be a consequence of not being able to do things like grandparents sleepovers when they 4/5, not going on Beaver sleepovers etc.

We aren't seeing the same anxiety in younger children, who would have had those experiences.

Yes I’m a leader in girl guiding and there’s been a definite shift in last few years of parents not wanting children to go on residentials or being very anxious if they do sign them up. We still run trips and the children who do go really enjoy them and benefit.
It’s a shame as it’s not just about the destination but development of skills and friendships.
Personally I think it’s better to build up slowly in an age appropriate way so eg 1 night away with brownies, then school yr6 activity holiday etc.

The children are invariably fine it’s definitely fuelled by parent anxiety eg repeatedly texting child.

Completely agree with this. In 99/100 cases, children with anxiety have parents who are anxious. They project it onto the child and plant seeds in their heads where none existed.

There was a parent and child at the school and the teacher was talking to them both about an upcoming optional weekend trip. The child looked excited to go but the mum was saying things to the child like “but you’re worried you’ll fall over and hurt yourself aren’t you?” “You’ll miss Mummy too much!” “You’re not going to be able to go without having a bite to eat for that long are you? You know how hungry you get!” I don’t think these parents are even doing it deliberately and I’m sure it’s well-intentioned. It just starts planting doubt in kids heads and they start thinking “maybe there is something to worry about.” “Maybe I won’t really enjoy it” etc.

My kids school did it in Yr5, and although my 2 youngest were reticent to go (my eldest missed it due to the covid years) I didn't really give them the choice as I knew they would love it and of course they did.

So when the Yr6 trip to the Isle of Wight rolled around, they were excited to go!

I've never wrapped my kids in cotton wool though. They would go to the park and meet friends from age 5 onwards, from 12yo would cycle 30 mins to another part of town to hang out with mates. I'm not stressed about knowing friends parents before allowing my kids to visit, as I usually do drop off and meet and greet on the doorstep.

But I also know people panicking that their 12yo will have to come home after school alone, as secondary as no wrap around care.

I think kids anxiety can be influenced by parents good or bad, and we all need to be more aware of preparing our children to be adults.

My DS was like your DD in year 5/6, about two years behind in emotional intelligence and abilities (since been diagnosed ASD and ADHD). He was due to go on the 5 day residential at the start of year 6 in 2020 but then covid happened and it was cancelled.
he is now almost 14 and apart from a couple of sleepovers at friends very locally he will not go away without us either with school or scouts.
it makes me so sad that missing out on this trip at such a vital time for creating independence seems to have had this effect on him. He was excited for the trip when it was being organised and my older kids had all done it and come back more confident and mature.
I think the parents holding their children back due to ‘anxiety’ are doing their children a disservice

One year is a long time and they mature a lot in this time. I couldn’t picture my Y5 daughter walking home from school but she has been doing it successfully since the start of Y6 now. She lets herself in, makes herself something in the air fryer, does her homework and overall looks after herself until we come back from work. She has SEN but is loving the independence.

I highly recommend you help your child build some independence skills and get them ready for secondary (and life in general).

As you said she isn’t you. She might detest it, as I did the only residential trip that I went on. I had dyspraxia and autism, hated being away from home and really didn’t need more time with my bullies. It was anything but fun. I’d never force a child to go and I’m very grateful that my Mother never forced me in the ‘90’s. They can be good for some kids who are eager to go but hell for others. I really don’t understand the need to force a reluctant or anxious child to go. I think that far too much emphasis is put on their supposed importance.

And personally speaking I still see plenty of kids playing outside together.

My two are older (17 and 19) and had school residentials in Year 2 (1 night) Year 4 (2 nights) and Year 6 (3 nights) when they were at Primary.

From what I can remember, nearly all of the children went although there were a couple who were homesick and their parents were on hand to speak to them when they were away.

It's so sad that children are missing out, whether it's their decision or their parents.

I was put under pressure to send my daughter who really didn't want to go. She cried the whole time, I was mega stressed. It just isn't worth it. You do you and let other people do what suits them.

(She has grown up fine by the way. An independent and strong woman. It means nothing in the scheme of things).

Why is it sad if the child wouldn’t enjoy it and might be actively hate it and be miserable?

You sound like my camping obsessed friend who thinks that everyone who doesn’t go camping is missing out. She won’t shut up about trying to get me to go camping again though I’d take more pleasure in being hit over the head with the nearest blunt object.

social media has created a world that doesn’t exist!! Everyone is a predator if you read Facebook - they are not it’s still extremely rare and more likely to happen by someone they know. My son is going skiing with school he’ll be 9. Year 5. He’ll be Italy will be nerves be gone for every second he not here? Yes will I stop him having experiences because there is 0.1% chance something will happen absolutely not?

My ds went on one of those PGL holidays for a week when he was year 5, that was 2019 so the year before the pandemic.He didn't know a single other child there, but he's always been confident.

I on the other hand hated school trips when I was a child, even just the days out! I was an anxious insecure kid. I'm so glad I didn't pass that onto ds.

I’ve been on a lot of school residentials as staff and whereas there used to always be one or two children that would need some cajoling I’ve seen a marked increase in full blown anxiety in the last few years. Most common is children not sleeping, eating or participating in activities due to anxiety. The big difference I think is when children struggled, most of the time they would be receptive to strategies and we could get them to a place mentally where they could watch or cheer their peers on in activities but that’s becoming harder and harder.

Also... we get some children who don't enjoy camps as we don't allow mobile phones. Not because they can't contact their parents... but its the games apps and talking to friends etc (despite having some of their friends there with them!)

I’m a single parent - it’s think it’s my job to in-still confidence and independence in my eldest - since age 9 she will stay home alone whilst I nip to the corner shop, or take her sibling for a hair cut. She’ll walk back from the shops and she does sleepovers with her friends

parental anxiety is the one of the worst things you can put on a child

I’m an 80’s kid. I remember being sooo home sick on my residential. 5 days was too much for me at 11 and I literally couldn’t wait to get home. My DD didn’t really enjoy her residential, although she did go with encouragement. It was only 2 days.

Im not sure there is necessarily a ‘cause’, just different personalities.

My dcs very much enjoyed the yr 6 residential - and they were very quiet children. I think one of the highlights of ds’s life was seeing the deputy head in his pyjamas! You need those bonding moments in life - the good laughs, the giggling.

Dd had a friend at primary whose dm was terribly anxious about her dd. She said that she cried every day her dd was away on the trip and she went and slept in her dd’s bed… Anyway, the dd has now changed gender and has gone nc with her dm. Just sayin’ .