Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

[Flowersinthehood]

DC is in year 5, we were speaking amongst us (the parents in the class) about the year six residential trip next year. It’s five days, three hours drive away doing activities and stuff that most children would probably enjoy doing with their friends.
My DC has SEN and is emotionally about two years younger. She still needs some help with dressing, time management etc, making sure she has things she needs, even more so than most kids of her age.
That said, I really want her to go on the residential trip. I have such fond memories of my trip. I know she’s not me though, and she’s not a kid of the nineties.
So many other parents said they didn’t think their kids would go, or they didn’t want them to. The main reason was anxiety (the child’s), them not trusting school, didn’t see a need for it as they did lots of activities ‘as a family’ (failing to see how much more fun it would be with friends), kids haven’t slept in anyone else’s house or been apart from them.
It made me think about how much has changed. I grew up in a council estate (whilst we live in an affluent area now) and we were out and about on our bikes. Kids walked to the local shop on their own from around 7, no real discussion of stranger danger.
My DC hasn’t had any of these experiences. We parents manage her social life, we are cautious about knowing friends families before she goes for play dates. I’m a single parent so she goes to her dads for sleepovers but hasn’t been anywhere else to sleep.
Are we unrealistic to expect our children to cope with the same things at the same age when they have so much less freedom?

My DD's school starts residentials in Yr3 with one night away, 2 nights Yr4, 4 nights Yr5, 5 nights Yr 6. Pretty much everyone goes so I don't relate to your experience.

DD is only in Yr2 now but it had never occurred to me not to send her for the residential next year, she is quite excited for it. I think parents here are more relaxed about dcs being away from home as it's an affluent area, there are lots of nannies (who will often look after dcs overnight while parents travel away), and most parents are used to using childcare for leisure purposes eg kids clubs in premium resorts. Kids don't really play out though, they will be used to being in lots of holiday clubs and extracurricular activities. But everyone gets used to travelling across London by Yr 7 as all secondary aged kids use public transport to get to school (or walk).

Blimey! We got taught about strangers in the 1970s! I grew up in a really nice area. Weird and dangerous people don’t just go around council areas that you mention OP. They go everywhere.

Not sure why your parents thought you were any safer in the 1990s.

I rode my bike a mile to purchase my mum's cigarettes at age 7, LOL, so it's difficult for me to relate. And we lived in a low-income, not especially safe area.

I do think it stunts children when they are constantly warned of danger and constantly sheltered. (SEN excepted of course). The idea of not leaving kids with babysitters or allowing sleepovers or driving kids everywhere they go is mind-boggling to me. I doubt my parents knew the surname of half the kids we had sleepovers with, and they weren't neglectful, they were considered quite protective by prevailing standards.

I sometimes work with uni students and the lack of resourcefulness is saddening. They don't know how to cope with any unexpected challenge, obstacle, delay or problem. I was driving around on road trips and spending nights by myself in Premier Inns at 18.

Parents need to think of the welfare of the human being they are raising, not assuaging their own anxieties.

This generation are going to be very protected in some ways and absolutely more vulnerable in others. Like I said, there was no halcyon days of freedom without danger, I was abused, touched, groomed you name it.
As many parents were in the 80's 90's, they were also abused, touched groomed, sadly some were raped, back then you told your friends, no parental input.
It's no wonder parents are nervous nowadays, there is more awareness of dangers and even more young men into violent porn.
I wouldn't wish those experienced on anyone.

My yr4 DD has just had a 2 night trip and the parents on the WhatsApp were absolutely batshit while they were away - couldn't sleep, moping around without "their little mate"

Honestly it was a bit pathetic - it doesn't seem healthy to me to be so obsessed with your kid and it doesn't surprise me when they then become anxious themselves

My DD has been excited for it since she got back from the overnight one in yr2 - roll on the 5 days in yr6!

In my DC's school residentials started in Y4 and most if not all children went. My DC started sleepovers at friends' houses in Y3. They had other friends that had started in Reception.

I agree. It is a sign of the times and the future. There are adults who can not flush toilets, tidy away their equipment, wash dishes, wash themselves even. It is sad; they seem like spectators in their own life.

And then you read all over here people saying how they were abused as a child or had awful encounters with a friends dad etc. I don’t let my kids roam around for the fact that I know how much shit happens when parents’ backs are turned. Also, just on a basic safety level there are so many more cars now. My children are my most precious people. They are everything to me. Would I leave my phone on a park bench for an hour? No. So why the hell would I let my child (especially at 5?!) out of my sight? It’s insanity. And screaming ‘anxiety’ is ridiculous. No people are just more open about the abuse they’ve experienced than they used to be so we’re more conscious and aware of how easy it is for harm to come to a child.

i wasn’t even allowed out young but still I had been shown porn by age 7 by a friend, seen a man wanking in public by age 8, had my disgusting neighbour drooling over my legs by age 9 and looking through my window while on his ladder and by 11 had fully grown men leering at me on the street.

And it’s not just adults is it? You think poor jamie bulger was the only kid every to have been abused by other kids? Plenty of kids are sexually or otherwise abused by kids their age or older.

the fact you’re acting like everyone else is crazy when you’re the one who lets a five year old out of your sight for significant periods of time is absolutely mind boggling

We definitely baby children these days, whilst at the same time giving them too much freedom online. It's insane.

Beavers/cubs and brownies have been amazing experiences for my children to experience being away with friends and their confidence has grown with that.

@Devonshiregal none of that happened on a school residential though.
Just out of question though, when do you think you’ll feel ready to let them spread their wings?

I agree, that we have to swallow our fear, and be grateful today children more openly discuss feelings, trusting with their parents.

We cannot be naive either.

More than 250 convicted of child sexual abuse in UK and Ireland while in Scout movement.

The USA gymnastic team scandal.

The Irish olympic swimming team scandal.

It sadly happens, we can only warn them of the dangers.

I’ve only ever seen this with one parent so I find it strange when people talk about how widespread this is. My DS has been on school residentials, multiple cub and scout camps and no parents seem like this. DD has been on lots of cub camps. We actively encourage them to go. It really frustrates me when parents project their ridiculous worries onto their children, it doesn’t prepare them for anything. If you don’t trust the school why are your DC there?!

There was a thread on here recently where someone said that parents in her DC’s class were arranging to stay in hotels near the residential! Absolutely bonkers (unless there’s a specific need, obviously, but it didn’t sound like it in this case).

DS has SEN and finds residentials difficult; he’s been sent home a couple of times from different things. I wouldn’t force him to go (there’s no point; he gets stressed and throws up and then gets sent home), but I do encourage him to take part as much as possible (even if I have to drive him there in the morning and pick him up in the evening, which is still quite stressful for him, but he can push himself and do that much). Too many parents just seem to say “No it’s too much” and it’s not doing their kids any favours.

We’ve actually noticed a bit of this in work over the past few years. There’s an annual work-related event in the US, a sort of networking thing. For those who go, they basically get a free trip to New York, where they have to go to a conference from 9-5 but are otherwise free to do whatever they want; the company generally offer to let them stay on for the weekend as well, to do whatever they like; they’re also fine with allowing people to bring along an extra person (partner or friend, at their own expense). Obviously it’s not everyone’s cup of tea; it’s not compulsory and some people don’t fancy it or can’t go due to childcare etc, but when I joined 20 years ago I’d say about 50% of new joiners went. It was very much seen as a free holiday and people (usually recent grads) were excited to have the opportunity to travel a bit. Now we find that maybe 2 or 3 are interested every year, out of about 15-20 new joiners. Of the rest, the vast majority say they don’t want to go because it’s too scary to go away with people they don’t know (as it happens once per year, some of them will have been in the company for 11 months by the time it rolls around). It’s a little bit sad that they won’t even consider it.

I’m one of the other parents .I simply do not see the benefit ? I don’t particularly feel ok with my child sleeping away from home either at that age and being 5 days away ? Is there any actual benefits to this that have been proven in any way ?

@Crazyworldmumbut when are they going to stay away from home? When they go to uni?

And ? Where I grow up we don’t do residentials at all . We actually had 3 days abroad in year 9 ( 14 to 15 years old ) and I think that was my first time sleeping away . I grew up in the 80s and 90s and sleepovers where not a thing outside spending a few days with the grandparents. I still went in to uni and left home with no issues and have kids a career a partner etc .
why is having my children sleeping away that important ? I honestly don’t get it .

I simply do not see the benefit ?

Do you see the benefit in going out to MacDonalds or to Costa or to a theme park or the pub or going away on holiday or getting a takeaway or buying a new bag or top or jumper just because you like it or upgrading your phone or spending a bit more on hair or beauty products.... I mean is there any actual benefit to any of those things that have been proven in any way ?

No maybe there isn’t , so there really is no bed for them ? What’s your point ? I don’t see the benefit of sending children away 5 days .in fact makes me uncomfortable.

I went back to work at 9 mths and someone once said absolutely... As they grow up

Mine went away at age 6 for a night. I freaked the whole time but they had a fab time. Was chatting to a stay at home mum whose kid is same age now 10 and she was freaking out about a night away .

Kids love it. Parents panic. Bit we have to let them go. Kids grow up ....

But then they’ll be going from never having spent a night away, to living away full time? Would you not feel more reassured if they made the step up gently by going on residentials etc first?

It's not times that have changed, it's parents, if anything the loss of community and sense of self-entitlement has added to it because if a neighbour, auntie or grandparent told this generation of parents to get a grip and let go, it wouldn't go down well but essentially that's what needs to happen.
If a parent doesn't start to let go how are they showing their child that they trust and believe in them?

Why don't you think children can walk to and from? My kids were doing it from year 3, the school I work at now also lets them from year 3.

You don't have kids to satisfy your own beef for company, these are real humans/citizens you're raising.

I came on to say this. Even if the trip is subsidised there might still be the cost of boots, waterproofs, swimwear etc and it all adds up if you are struggling.

One thing concerning me about an upcoming trip is that if anything goes wrong (illness) then school expect me to travel to the location to collect DC. I don't drive and therefore have no way of getting there.

What about fun, independence, bonding with friends, getting to do sports and activities they couldn’t do at home, having new experiences, enjoying a different kind of atmosphere to home?

I agree that 5 days seems a lot for year 6, but my DD absolutely loved her year 6 residential which was 2 nights 3 days, and would have stayed longer if she could! They did sports and team building activities like building a raft, kayaking, rope climbing etc.; they watched the football all together with cocoa and popcorn; they had enormous amounts of fun bonding time with friends and saw a more fun side to the teachers and just had so much to talk about afterwards. DD literally came back saying they had been the best days of her life so far 😆 She didn’t always like all the food or every activity they did, but the fun massively outweighed that.

Obviously it might be more difficult for a child with food allergies or strong dislikes, or who is particularly shy. But there is so much to be gained from the bonding with friends and the camaraderie. I didn’t go on a residential at that age (I don’t think it was a thing then in my area!), but I went on girl guide camps which were very similar and which I hugely enjoyed!