Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

[Flowersinthehood]

DC is in year 5, we were speaking amongst us (the parents in the class) about the year six residential trip next year. It’s five days, three hours drive away doing activities and stuff that most children would probably enjoy doing with their friends.
My DC has SEN and is emotionally about two years younger. She still needs some help with dressing, time management etc, making sure she has things she needs, even more so than most kids of her age.
That said, I really want her to go on the residential trip. I have such fond memories of my trip. I know she’s not me though, and she’s not a kid of the nineties.
So many other parents said they didn’t think their kids would go, or they didn’t want them to. The main reason was anxiety (the child’s), them not trusting school, didn’t see a need for it as they did lots of activities ‘as a family’ (failing to see how much more fun it would be with friends), kids haven’t slept in anyone else’s house or been apart from them.
It made me think about how much has changed. I grew up in a council estate (whilst we live in an affluent area now) and we were out and about on our bikes. Kids walked to the local shop on their own from around 7, no real discussion of stranger danger.
My DC hasn’t had any of these experiences. We parents manage her social life, we are cautious about knowing friends families before she goes for play dates. I’m a single parent so she goes to her dads for sleepovers but hasn’t been anywhere else to sleep.
Are we unrealistic to expect our children to cope with the same things at the same age when they have so much less freedom?

It’s interesting as I have two DC 14 and 11 and the classmates of the younger one have a far more anxious set of parents than the
older. They seem to have far less freedom or be encouraged to be more independent.

I do wonder if it was because they had just started school when lockdown hit or it’s just coincidence. Both my DC loved residential and camps etc, despite one of them being more introvert.

It is funny isn't it.

I've got a 9 and 7 (and 5 but he's not in the equation as definitely too young) year old who will be 10 and 8 soon.

I read the article about how experts do think not letting children be independent can cause long term mental health issues, so I'm wanting to let my children out more. I'm hoping 7/8 isn't too young but I do think at some point I have to bite the bullet for their sake.

So my eldest is 17 now, he went on his school residential and I didn’t give it a second thought. He enjoyed it, I enjoyed the break. He did Scouts/Beavers too and slept at grandparents.

My youngest is in year 5 and I’m not looking forward to his residential next year. He has a very different temperament, his school feels quite chaotic and the behaviour is far worse than when my ds1 was at primary school.

I think it’s an area based thing. My older two their primary schools had to do names in hat as there was always more children apply than spaces Youngest primary much much bigger school couldn’t even fill one coach for the very same residential my older two have done.

They are now trying to encouraging a camping residential so children can experience something they never have. That’s going to go down terribly frankly and we camp sometimes anyway so hardly a new experience.

Schools also cannot on one hand ask parents to over baby their children and in the other expect them to just hand them over for days at a time with high expense either. Ours sends out weekly reminders to make sure your child has a bit of fruit for break time and to send in frankly toddler toys for lunch break… it’s a junior school. Year sixes don’t need plastic dinosaurs and tyres to roll around the playground getting ready for year 7 with their snack bananas not allowed to walk home alone from 4pm club.

It definitely seems more common for parents to worry their child 'can't cope' on a school trip. There's a positive side to this - eg parents not forcing kids who would be miserable/anxious to go on trips because 'it'll be good for you' and who then have a rubbish time. There's a negative side because sometimes it's more the parents' anxiety holding their kid back because they haven't been apart from their child and they're going to feel anxious the whole time.

I'm obviously a heartless cow, as I was delighted when my kids first had multiple night school trips!

You have to use judgement and overcome anxiety really - oldest went on Jewish youth group summer camp for 12 days without any worries on our or their part; youngest has ADHD and is not mature for his age and was reluctant to go mainly as it's over his birthday, and we did have some worries because he needs his sleep and needs to not be in a dorm room with kids who want to mess around at night, plus can sometimes have difficulties with group activities. In the end he went on his 12th birthday because that was the last year it would be held somewhere in easy driving distance so could go get him if it all went south. We arranged for him to be in a 'quiet' dorm and briefed them about potential issues and he had a great time.

The trip isn’t until next year, your DD will mature a little, and you have time to help her advance in the skills she will need to get the most out of the trip assuming she wants to go? Is there a possibility that you could attend as a volunteer helper OP?

I don't disagree but I do feel that they are separate issues.

My DD is in a phase of getting anxious and saying she doesn't want to do things, and I insist she does them as I know she will both enjoy and benefit from them.

However they are things I take her too; they're not things she does on her own.

Girl Guides has been great at bringing my shy daughter out of her shell and giving her confidence.

I was surprised (not in a bad way) to see my school lets children walk home from school alone from year 4. Yet I was playing out alone long before then! Times do change; I can't pinpoint what it is.

I teach languages in a secondary school and we are considering ditching our exchange trips because not enough kids want to go (or more often their parents don't want them to). These are 14 year-olds. The French, German and Spanish schools have tons of kids wanting to come to us and we can only provide about 13 English partners for them. British parents and kids are clearly much more nervous about this kind of thing.

Probably around the time people stopped using 14 year olds as baby sitters, children had to stay in mandatory schooling till 18.

Teen pregnancy seems to of dropped though.

I was attending school camps in the 80s and 90s. I disliked them. I I still had plenty of fun with my friends, I just preferred being at home with my family, and disliked the atmosphere of enforced fun that often crops up. I wasn’t alone in that. So no, its not ‘kids today tsk tsk’.

As an adult I’ve travelled and lived independently all over the world. I
still love being at home with my
family. Some peoole just really like that.

Both my kids went on their residentials - my DD was pretty anxious but I encouraged (not forced) her to go. DS is autistic and still had a few accidents so I was more nervous but spoke to the teachers and came up with some good strategies. I admit I was a bit anxious about them going in the sea etc without me there but I knew I had to put that aside as passing your anxieties onto your kids is not good. They both had a wonderful time and it increased their confidence. It is good for kids (and adults) to step outside their comfort zone - it is how we progress as humans otherwise we just stagnate.

I was nervous as they got older and started going out alone, hanging out with friends in town, travelling into London, starting uni but they have to do new things and we have to have confidence in them and the people who care for them!

I have friends who encouraged their kids to go to local unis and commute. It hasn't worked out well for some of them and to be honest it is just selfish. We have to let go gradually and let them grow.

Sorry that was bedwetting accidents

My DD happily went to camp with Beavers and Scouts but wasn’t keen on the school residentials. The Y6 residential got cancelled due to Covid and we both breathed a sigh of relief. DD is ASD and isn’t keen on the non-stop activities on the residentials, she needs down time. She found the Y5 residential too full on.

Yes I think its sad and there is a lot of anxiety in society generally. We are all feeling it. I think too much is being streamed to us constantly. I temember only watching the news once a day and you would only hear of a local burglary in the local paper. Now, I check the news maybe 15 times a day, everytime i log onto social media I see thr uodates from local groups about the stuff going on around us. I know the population and crime has risen so maybe we need to be more vigulant. But it is a sad state of affairs.

Regarding the trip, I sent my son on overnight week long summer camps from year 5, outside of school. He has absolutely loved going on them and has great memories. They are run really well and I had small fears but had to let them go. My reasoning for doing that was that he is living a sheltered life and we wouldn't just let him wander to the shops or out on his bike for hours. We live in a city. So I wanted him to have that experience to feel some freedom and autonomy and have to figure it out himself being away from home and with a group of people, buying stuff from the tuck shop, handling being away from home. My thoughts were that it would be deeply beneficial for him to be able to do that as he cant do it day to day

I think this is where I feel conflicted. I don’t overprotect my children but my children are very different to how I was as a child and times are different too!!
Example, last summer we were in a holiday park in the UK. I decided to let my DC go get a drink on her own so a short walk from the caravan to the shop. She was happy to go and likes the freedom.
She didn’t come back. Had got lost. Lots of people stopped her as she looks about 7. And you just don’t see kids of that age on their own very much. It was all really scary. I felt like the worst parent, speaking to security. Found her after 30 minutes.

I should have really let her try it out at home first. But we live in an area where people openly try to score drugs outside the shop, XL bullies, cars going 40 in a 20 zone etc. The holiday park felt safer!
Her school is in a much nicer part of the city and kids do walk home on their own in year 5. She can’t but I do wonder if it is in my head. There were definitely parents on class A’s, weird old men and crime in my childhood school too, although it was more rural than the inner city where we live now.
I would love for her to go on the residential but as she has a 1:1 TA for a lot of the time in school and has melatonin I don’t know how it will work. I hope we find a way. It feels like a necessary part of growing up to me.

In my experience primary schools are very keen to make residentials great for SEN children. I went on several trips with the SEN children I was working with at the time and it was the making of them, indeed they coped better than some of the other kids. Talk to the school and see what support they will put in place for your child. I hope they can go and that they enjoy the experience.

To add my son is also SEN. But the trips are good and the staff there are trained to some extent on it too.

Havent noticed this at all. Every single one of our Y6 kids is going on the 5 day residential in a few weeks, even though there are many with quite significant SEN.

Also in my work, I see a lot of overly involved parents. Ringing up and making appointments for their 22 and 25 year old NT ‘kids’, wanting to be in the room when they have their appointment, wanting to have all the notes. Their children are adults and aren’t seemingly encouraged to do anything by themselves, not even remember their own medical appointments. So I really don’t want to fall into this type of parenting.

This is such a sad thread. No wonder so many of our young people are struggling with poor mental health if they aren't being allowed and encouraged to move out of their comfort zones in supported environments.

When dd was at primary school, all of the children went on residentials. Some children needed adjustments to be made to enable them to participate, but they all went. It's a real shame if overprotective parents get in the way.

My kids have never slept anywhere without one of us - but honestly it's not because we are anxious, we would be very happy for them to.

We would love to have them stay with family - none have ever offered. They attend beavers and cubs but neither does any camps because the leaders aren't keen.

I find that quite weird. My child has been on her year 6 trip for six nights recently and about 95% of the kids went.
Your school seems to have a lot of anxious parents who are stopping their children’s development!

Lots of them had done brownies or cub sleepovers and they’ve probably nearly all slept at a friends for one.

They are still using 14 year old babysitters - DC and their friends were desperate to turn 14 and start babysitting because it was their first experience earning.

I think it's a lot to do with lockdown children having missed out on a lot of socialisation and a fair bit to do with overanxious parents spending too much time consuming news and alarming social media stories.

My youngest went on her primary school residential 8 years ago and there was only one family out of 60 expressing reservations or talking about not going. DSis says in the school she works at it's over a quarter of families now.

My 6 year old has just gone on his 3rd beaver camp tonight. My oldest went on rainbow sleepover age 5 and has just done a two night brownie camp age 9.
the school they go to start residential in y3 with one night, 2 nights in y4, 3 in y5 and a week (5 days) In year 6. As far as I know most parents seem to let the kids go. Why wouldn’t they? It’s a great fun experience.

Blimey is that even legal?