Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

[Flowersinthehood]

DC is in year 5, we were speaking amongst us (the parents in the class) about the year six residential trip next year. It’s five days, three hours drive away doing activities and stuff that most children would probably enjoy doing with their friends.
My DC has SEN and is emotionally about two years younger. She still needs some help with dressing, time management etc, making sure she has things she needs, even more so than most kids of her age.
That said, I really want her to go on the residential trip. I have such fond memories of my trip. I know she’s not me though, and she’s not a kid of the nineties.
So many other parents said they didn’t think their kids would go, or they didn’t want them to. The main reason was anxiety (the child’s), them not trusting school, didn’t see a need for it as they did lots of activities ‘as a family’ (failing to see how much more fun it would be with friends), kids haven’t slept in anyone else’s house or been apart from them.
It made me think about how much has changed. I grew up in a council estate (whilst we live in an affluent area now) and we were out and about on our bikes. Kids walked to the local shop on their own from around 7, no real discussion of stranger danger.
My DC hasn’t had any of these experiences. We parents manage her social life, we are cautious about knowing friends families before she goes for play dates. I’m a single parent so she goes to her dads for sleepovers but hasn’t been anywhere else to sleep.
Are we unrealistic to expect our children to cope with the same things at the same age when they have so much less freedom?

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesthats what shocks me looking back. My primary school was proper rough! Kids with parents in prison, parents who were addicts, kids who came in with bruises from their dad or mum, kids who didn’t have clean clothes, ever. Yet nearly every kid went on the residential in year 6. I don’t remember any kids not going, and looking at the photos now I can see those kids there. How did they cope? They were used to these chaotic home lives, I’m sure so many of them had trauma/ MH. Yet they all went away for five nights. For some of those kids, it was their first time seeing the sea, or leaving our home city!
Yet the kids in my DCs school are much more affluent, stable middle class parents, huge houses, some have family abroad, yet they are the ones who are too anxious to go on the trip? It’s just odd.
Parents are offering to drive their children there and stay in a hotel nearby. Which defeats the point a bit!

We could send medication and they’ll have really small ratios.

@fashionqueen0123if the patient gives consent then yes. We ask them to think about it.

When you have access to constant news you will pick up that it’s a scary world out there and not want to take risks with your children maybe.
With my first I definitely did not have even half of the fearful thoughts I had with my last! All mine went on residentials but I definitely noticed that less and less children go each year- for some it’s mistrust, fear or even cultural. Some of my kids friends do not socialise out side of school at all as they are not allowed by their parents so residentials are out of the question for them.

That has nothing to do with residentials and they aren’t a necessary part of growing up. What a bizarre idea. Great if your kid wants to go but they are not going to grow up to be stunted adults if they never go on a residential. You can bring up a perfectly healthy adult without them and still expose them to plenty of situations where they still have to use their own initiative and do things that they may find difficult.

I don’t buy that modern parents are as incompetent as everyone seems to think that they are either.

Residentials were never a thing at my school or any other primary school I knew back in the 80s when I was there. Perhaps we expect more of kids now than a generation ago. Sleepovers were rare as well. I had a few in Y6 and Y7 but nothing like my kids do now. They have more and started earlier.
My first school residential was a 2-nighter in Y7. By that stage my two had already had four school residentials, three of which were longer.

Phew! Glad it’s checked.

Alrhough can’t think of why you’d want a parent there unless it was something serious.

I think friendships are very different with teenagers today, many are terrified of making a mistake, being blasted on social media. Judged by the entire school for an error.

They notice how quick life can tumble, watching it online, the cancel culture.

It is no wonder they're nervous living life on big brother.

At this point I am starting to feel sorry for the pandemic 😂 it gets blamed for everything.

While the pandemic may have had an impact this trend started way before the pandemic and has continued after. Kids no longer have resilience, are molly coddled, gentle parenting, parents who want to be friends instead of parent their kids, parents who would rather have a go at teachers instead of working with their kids to stop bad behaviour at school etc are not due to the pandemic.

@HoldingTheDoornot necessarily stunted but I guess the question is when will parents feel they’re ready, or when will the child spread their wings? Are they going off to Reading festival at 15 if they haven’t spent anytime away from their parents.
I don’t necessarily think all children are ready for a residential at 9. That’s my honest thought. Like I said in my OP, these kids are not living their lives in the way we did. I was drinking and in clubs at 16, so a pro at 18. My younger relatives only started getting drunk and clubbing at 19/ 20 when they moved away for Uni. See the difference? It’s almost as if we are protecting children for longer, which is great really, I had no business getting felt up in a club at 16. Yet we give them something arguably much more insidious, namely smart phones.

Blimey - my son was doing PGL for a week at a time starting when he was 8 - I busily dropped him off at Portsmouth harbour to go to Isle of Wight into the care of a load of jolly , organised ( and capable ) 20 somethings - ( this was 2006) ) he had a whale of a time and became a very independent teen - I’m not saying what was right for him is right for everyone but he has very fond memories of hisPGL years which he did till he was 15

Oh gosh very different to my experience in an affluent area this year in Y4, though just a 2 night trip. Almost every child in the year went!

For those who are nervous, scouting and guiding often provide a lot of opportunities for staying away from parents.

It’s also due to the mollycoddling that goes along with gentle parenting. Children just have much less ‘spunk’, less likely to be adventurous, less likely to step outside the mould of blandness. Instead of all the parental handwringing a brisk, ‘Of course you’re going, darling. It’ll be brilliant fun and you’ll get pudding every night’ is 10 times more useful for her growth and development than all the needless angst with other parents. You’re only winding each other up now.

Anxiety is worn almost as a badge nowadays. Parents don’t teach resilience if a child is anxious. There isn’t a “come on, you can do it” attitude, more of a “don’t worry, don’t do anything that’s difficult attitude”.

Teachers are there as volunteers, giving up time with their own families. I know my husband has to use precious annual leave, that we would otherwise spend together as a family, to cover my family commitments.

Teachers don’t get paid any overtime. I work mornings only as a TA due to caring commitments (which suffer when I am away). I’m still paid for mornings only on a residential, even though I’m working constantly approximately from 6.30am to 2am (depending on when they finally settle).

There are generally unrealistic demands from parents beforehand that their child has individual wants/routines.

Residentials are utterly, utterly exhausting for staff, and to top it all there are usually various emails of trivial complaints when they get home. We’ve had complaints that their child didn’t get their usual cup of tea. Parents forget it’s not like a family holiday - it’s a class of 30-odd kids with a very busy timetable, in very basic accommodation. There just isn’t time to deal with individual requests.

Children on residentials need to be resilient and capable of doing the basics themselves.

There is a limit on how much assistance can be given by teachers on a residential and parents may have to stay nearby to be on hand if the child has special needs with physical care/dressing. It’s inappropriate to expect teachers to do these tasks on a residential.

Oh and also the teachers accommodation is usually pretty grim. I always spend my whole week dreaming of a nice hot shower (we had no hot water in the teachers bathroom) and a glass of wine!

That's really sad. Children need to develop independence and resilience and residentials are a great way to do that in a safe space. I work in a SEN school and earlier this year we took our year 5s and 6s on a residential for 2 nights. Out of 70 kids only about 15 didn't come. All those that did go are cognitively, behaviourally and emotionally between nursery and year 2 level. Several are still in pull ups and require high levels of personal care. All have significant barriers in everyday life. It wasn't without it's ups and downs but they all had a great time and the progress they made in those 3 days was immeasurable in so many ways. It's sad that parents hold these experiences back from their children due to their own anxieties.

Must be area dependant again as I don’t know a single parent using anything other than adult sitters and tbh mostly it’s adult family no children babysitting.

My daughter has a y6 residential coming up and I’d like for her to go. It’s her decision and she’s said no. She’s slept over at a friends before but feels two nights with some class members she’s not too keen on is different. I respect that. Just giving my input here..sometimes it’s the child who has reservations.

I have 3 DC, all home ed. Eldest is Y6, autistic, can't cope with leaving home. Never slept away.
Middle is Y4, lots of away trips under his belt. Started at 6yo with Beavers and has been begging to go to every single one since. He wants to go to football camp in summer for 5 nights. Just loves it.
Youngest is Y2 and just about to have his first Beavers camp.

I don't worry at all about letting them go.
None of them go to shops etc as I worry about someone notifying Social Services. We live in bubble down here in Surrey. There are never any kids just playing outside or walking anywhere on their own.
We had a neighbour who was 10 and during summer constantly walking about (also autistic, this was his way of relaxing).
The amount of other neighbours making comments implying that (neglectful) parents just 'let him wonder' was shocking.
He was 10!

I see more and more children afraid of their own shadow essentially year on year. A record number of Year 6 children aren't going on our residential this year, after a record number last year. Next year's cohort is already looking to break this year's record!

A lot of it is down to the parents not wanting to pay for a trip like the OP said when they don't see it as 'necessary' (ours is only 3 days, 2 nights, keep the costs under control by booking early, etc) AND having children that just can't cope being away from their parents for so long and parents who seem to encourage this.

It's sad, really. Fair number of them can't even tie their own shoes, let alone show any real independence at pretty much anything... A significant number of parents really do seem to be failing at parenting and raising their children to be independent, confident young people.

My DC 10 (year 5) got back from a 4 night school residential yesterday (mostly y6 but about 10 year 5's went) he had the most amazing time. I'm a brownie guider and love pack holidays as do all of the girls we take so I was keen for him to go and have similar experiences. That year was in lockdown 1 in reception and missed all the parties/play dates and the beginning of doing small things independently, I've noticed a few in his class struggle with anxiety.

DD9 has just come back from a residential for two nights. The whole class went which was great. She did say she was upset the first night, but ok the second. We have next to no opportunities for her to stay at others overnight (no grandparents) for this to become a natural thing, but it’s so important to project confidence in these situations and for the kids to build resilience. It’s the skill so many of the young these days are lacking. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. Sad to hear parents worries being transposed on kids.

Honestly some parents are ridic. One of the school mums airtagged their kid on a school trip the other day and all the other mums were anxiously messaging in the group back and forth - “where are they now etc etc” 🙄

Anxiety is worn almost as a badge nowadays. Parents don’t teach resilience if a child is anxious.
Nowadays? anxiety has always been an issue. Granted it was described as suffering with nerves or hysteria depending on the time, valium was prescribed like smarties for 40 years, but teenagers today apparently invented anxiety.

Is cost a big factor - it’s easier to say your child will be homesick rather than it’s unaffordable.