Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

[Flowersinthehood]

DC is in year 5, we were speaking amongst us (the parents in the class) about the year six residential trip next year. It’s five days, three hours drive away doing activities and stuff that most children would probably enjoy doing with their friends.
My DC has SEN and is emotionally about two years younger. She still needs some help with dressing, time management etc, making sure she has things she needs, even more so than most kids of her age.
That said, I really want her to go on the residential trip. I have such fond memories of my trip. I know she’s not me though, and she’s not a kid of the nineties.
So many other parents said they didn’t think their kids would go, or they didn’t want them to. The main reason was anxiety (the child’s), them not trusting school, didn’t see a need for it as they did lots of activities ‘as a family’ (failing to see how much more fun it would be with friends), kids haven’t slept in anyone else’s house or been apart from them.
It made me think about how much has changed. I grew up in a council estate (whilst we live in an affluent area now) and we were out and about on our bikes. Kids walked to the local shop on their own from around 7, no real discussion of stranger danger.
My DC hasn’t had any of these experiences. We parents manage her social life, we are cautious about knowing friends families before she goes for play dates. I’m a single parent so she goes to her dads for sleepovers but hasn’t been anywhere else to sleep.
Are we unrealistic to expect our children to cope with the same things at the same age when they have so much less freedom?

I was a very sheltered child and not allowed to go to the shops on my own at that age or walk to school etc and I loved the year 5 residential. Obviously I can’t speak for any SEN children as it’s a different situation, but I’d be interested to see of the kids who do go, what their thoughts are before and after.

I agree. Residentials weren’t a thing in my primary school. Somehow we’ve all managed to grow up into functioning adults!!

My two children have been doing sleepovers and camps with various clubs since they were 6. My eldest is 10 and will be doing a 7 night camp in the summer and going abroad with guides in the autumn.

They’ve always had an amazing time, as did I when I was growing up, and they always come back a little more independent and confident than before. I think it’s definitely worth encouraging them to spend time away where they can learn new skills and bond with their friends.

I would never admit it irl but I have to admit I find it deeply irritating when friends tell me how anxious their kids are to go on residentials. I feel as though it's the parents fussing over them and panicking them. It should be presented as a non-optional fait accomplished. You're going on a residential, you'll have lots of fun and we're looking forward to hearing all about it. It's 2 or 3 days, all the drama is completely unnecessary.

My kids have never done sleepovers with friends (I'm not against it, they've just never been invited!) and they've never even slept at grandparents (just never came up) but they've both been ok on school residentials.

I think a carefully planned and structured trip with teachers they know and trust is actually emotionally easier/safer than a random sleepover at a friend's house.

(I was a total mess on the other hand, but I was very careful not to let them realise!)

I can understand both kids and parents being anxious in the run up to the year 5/6 rezzy - I certainly was, as was DS - but they are so good at boosting kids independence and confidence before the move to secondary.

It's one of those where everyone needs to get out of their feelings and look at the bigger picture, for want of a better term.

The school knows all of the kids well and are, I'm sure, taking into account the likely additional anxieties felt by the last few years of kids who had disrupted starts to schooling due to covid.

I was fine with residentials until my youngest was on a Beaver camp when he was 6 and they lost him (temporarily thankfully and due to adult error). It was horrifying.

My children still go on residentials but I worry a lot more about them myself.

My kid is going on a year 4 residential soon, as far as I as am aware all the children are going, there has been no talk of kids not going or being too anxious to go.

You have to let them gently go...they will go one day. We should want them to. That's out role...to prepare our children for independence. I don't recall any child not going though in year 6...some were a little homesick but still enjoyed themselves.

That is so sad. Would the British families still host though? When I went one time, the girl I stayed with didn’t come to England. It was still beneficial for her English I think.

I agree, it's particularly important for these kids.

My DS was in the same situation - only one set of GP's within an hour's drive and they were still working full time so didn't offer to have him at weekends etc.

Very few sleepovers either, likely affected by covid and the general anxieties that came after.

DS had a rezzy in years 5&6 and he came home more mature and confident after both. I really believe they set him up for secondary.

I do think it’s a very personal choice and perhaps more introverted children prefer to do things in their own time. My daughter wasn’t a fan of Brownies and their insistence of her coming out of her shell. They were lovely people but I know I myself don’t like to be pushed into things ..I have to make my own decisions in my own time.

I’m not sure why they need to go to Reading or get drunk at that age. If anything I think that
less drinking and not underage drinking are very much positives. There’s still a myriad of ways for children to learn to be independent in age appropriate ways and personally speaking I still see plenty of kids going into town together, walking to school without parents and playing outside. Modern parents aren’t all wrapping them up in cotton wool.

I agree that social media is a very real concern and needs to be managed in order to protect them but there are ways of doing that and I fail to see getting drunk underage in parks and clubs or taking drugs at 15 at Reading as something to be applauded.

According to OP and others you’re probably in denial about that. Apparently it’s just about impossible to become a healthy functioning adult without a residential.

Your child doesn’t have sleepovers at her dad’s.

hmmmm….inknow my child would play Minecraft on switch for 24 hour straight if allowed to sleep over at a friends house. So no I wouldn’t allow sleepovers. I do encourage play dates if live more spontaneous play but we live rurally and that is difficult.

I didn’t go on school trips and survived to be a risk taking adult!

But yes I’d allow my kids to go.

id be more worried about how many mobile phones were going on the trip 🙄🙄🙄🙄

It's so sad that lots of children aren't getting to experience school residentials. They can be so much fun & really enriching.

I worry so much when my two sons have been/are on them but I won't transfer my anxiety to them or stop them going.

DS1's (now 20) primary school had a 5 day trip to France in year 5 & 6. He went in year 6 and had the best time. He was a nervy, anxious child but it did him the world of good.

DS2 is the complete opposite and lives for his trips with friends. He had 2 x 3 night stays when in primary school and 3 x wild camps (no tent etc) also in primary years. He beach camped in year 8, went to Germany for a week in year 9, Has an outdoor extreme activity week in May (year 10) & going to Iceland in year 12. So many amazing memories made and its made him so confident to try new things.

Just to offer a different perspective. I went on lots of residential trips as a child as my parents had to work and they needed to occupy me in the summer. I didn't particularly enjoy them but I had no choice and my parents thought it would be good for me and build resilience.

It didn't. I have shit memories from them and even as an adult I despise sharing my space and bathroom with other people (other than DH), I can't sleep in the same room as another person unless I wear ear plugs, the trips didn't create any new friendships for me, and I find being around people all day everyday extremely stimulating and exhausting. I love nothing more than coming home at the end of the day to my quiet bedroom. I enjoyed activities that allowed me to be home at night a lot more.

@HoldingTheDooryou’re twisting my words now. I was contemplating the difference between this generation and ours, I wasn’t putting either on a pedestal. This generation are going to be very protected in some ways and absolutely more vulnerable in others. Like I said, there was no halcyon days of freedom without danger, I was abused, touched, groomed you name it. Not on a residential though! By stopping our children from spreading their wings we are in some ways protecting them, in some ways we are reinforcing that it is ok to not do something because you’re out of your comfort zone.
My year nine residential in Italy, the bus broke down and we were stuck in the mountains in a basic hostel for two nights longer than anticipated. It really helped me to deal with the unexpected and understand that travelling rarely go smoothly!

Thinning back to my residential trips. Although they must of been considered educational I couldn’t tell you what we learnt.

Apart from getting a good shot at throwing paper airplane messages to boys outside and smuggling items we were not supposed to have. Tip toeing around the corridors to get to others rooms late at night.

One of the school mums airtagged their kid on a school trip the other day and all the other mums were anxiously messaging in the group back and forth - “where are they now etc etc”

Kid should have chucked it out of the window on the coach.

I fail to see getting drunk underage in parks and clubs or taking drugs at 15 at Reading as something to be applauded.

Where did pp say anything about getting drunk underage in the park or taking drugs?

I went in pubs at sixteen. My parents knew I met my friends there. We talked and had a shandy or two. No-one got drunk.

I have read about Scout groups that put 'cuddly toy' on the kit list for camp, the idea being that if everyone has one, those who need their own special toy don't stand out.

Absolutely parental anxiety, rubbed off on the children. My children have been openly encouraged by us to attend camps and overnights trips within scouting since they were 6. We have encourage friendships/tea/sleepovers. My children have never been worried about leaving us, even if I've had a wobble (but not let them see it) I've still encouraged them to go. They experience things far greater than what we can offer then on some of these trips.

My brother's children, have been Molly coddled by their mother. Wrapped up and kept at home and not had the same encouragement to explore things outside their home. Children have huge anxiety, the siblings can't cope with being apart from one another now either apparently and the bloody dog gets anxiety over being away from them 🤦🏻‍♀️ weird.

I relate to this! Some have said I maybe autistic but I’m not, I’m just introverted. Daughter is the same but independent and strong willed. No way will she be influenced by me!

I’ve got two DC with SEN who were quite anxious and had rarely been overnight away from home at that age (partly because we have no extended family nearby). They were both scared about going on residential trips but they did it - we discussed it a lot and they luckily had nice teachers who understood their worries and were reassuring. I think the trips really helped them both to grow a lot and gain confidence. Re some PPs, I am anxious myself, but it’s well-managed and I try not to pass it on.

As it happened one of them ended up supporting a friend who was horribly homesick and it was my DC who was the strong one for her.

Having said that I wouldn’t force a terrified, clearly objecting child to go, especially if there was a bullying situation or only mean teachers.

i sent my daughter on hers, but i can honestly say i hated mine, i didn't enjoy any of them, sharing a dorm with other kids was hell, the food they served was awful and i barely ate.

I don't think there is anything constructive or useful about those trips other than it being an 'experience'

My DS didn't go on any as he needs sensory lights, music and medication to get any sleep at all, and is up/down all night, and i'm not making any staff member have to deal with that.

I had a lot of freedom and independence to do what I liked as a teenager. I wouldn't advise it, and definitely would have benefitted from missing out on it.

There was underage sex, drugs, alcohol, My friends and I dealt with some really adult situations, badly too, sometimes I feel sad for my younger self.

There is a balance, sugar coating the past is ridiculous.

Parents didn't have time or awareness to nurture and protect, the friends I have met as an adult who were protected and nurtured are fabulous adults, there is pros and cons.