Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

[Flowersinthehood]

DC is in year 5, we were speaking amongst us (the parents in the class) about the year six residential trip next year. It’s five days, three hours drive away doing activities and stuff that most children would probably enjoy doing with their friends.
My DC has SEN and is emotionally about two years younger. She still needs some help with dressing, time management etc, making sure she has things she needs, even more so than most kids of her age.
That said, I really want her to go on the residential trip. I have such fond memories of my trip. I know she’s not me though, and she’s not a kid of the nineties.
So many other parents said they didn’t think their kids would go, or they didn’t want them to. The main reason was anxiety (the child’s), them not trusting school, didn’t see a need for it as they did lots of activities ‘as a family’ (failing to see how much more fun it would be with friends), kids haven’t slept in anyone else’s house or been apart from them.
It made me think about how much has changed. I grew up in a council estate (whilst we live in an affluent area now) and we were out and about on our bikes. Kids walked to the local shop on their own from around 7, no real discussion of stranger danger.
My DC hasn’t had any of these experiences. We parents manage her social life, we are cautious about knowing friends families before she goes for play dates. I’m a single parent so she goes to her dads for sleepovers but hasn’t been anywhere else to sleep.
Are we unrealistic to expect our children to cope with the same things at the same age when they have so much less freedom?

Tbh, that’s an unusually long residential trip. I’m sure they used only to be 3 or 4 nights away. I imagine for that length of stay, including food and activities the cost alone would be prohibitive for many parents. Especially, if they are intending to pay for a holiday for the whole family as well.
That’s very different from an occasional sleepover at a friend’s or grandparents’ house. Some DC would love the opportunity, but it might be stressful for others, your DC included. I wonder why the school has chosen somewhere so far away?

My daughter went on a residential trip in Y5 and it is just as well she did to because Y6 was Covid year for her so she missed the bigger residential trip the school offers. The children all had a great time.

I have a relative of the same age and asked where they were going for their residential and mom said they weren't going, nobody was because most people didn't want their children to go! I think its really sad, all of mine went and really enjoyed it and I still remember my own experience. I thought it was a coming of age thing. Surely a sign of the times because I think if mine were small now they wouldn't be doing sleepovers although I definitely chose to host more than they ever went to in fact I don't think the youngest has ever other than his residential so yeh times change.

This is all really sad - though the school can also help manage it. I am a governor at a school where they start residentials with a one night trip in Year 2 (we rent a local brownie camp) and build up to a 5 night trip to London in Year 6. There are a few tears in Year 2 but generally the parents seem much more anxious than the children, who forget all about Mum & Dad the minute the bus away pulls round the corner.

I used to teach, and our school had the very sensible policy of starting in Y3 with a one night trip fairly locally, the Y4s went a bit further afield for 2 nights, and so on until the Y6 children went abroad for a week. Some of them did struggle with a bit of homesickness and seasickness but on the whole they got so much out of it. A few very vocal parents complained they couldn't afford it though and the trip was scrapped. (The thing was, if someone was struggling, their kid's place could be subsidised)

I think it was the Y4 trip that really seemed to make the difference - if they got used to being away at 8/9 they were way more able to cope with the longer trips later on.

I do remember one child who came to France though - we knew of course that she had significant SEN, but her parents didn't tell us that she also struggled hugely with dressing herself/washing etc. Of course we would have kept a much closer eye on her if we'd had a heads up. Turned out that she didn't shower or change her pants all week. Poor thing absolutely stank. Still feel bad about that all these years later. Communication between parents and teachers is key.

@Emily47 that was my sons experience. I also did PGL for him for a week in the summer holidays from 8 upwards. As an only one he loved it - he’s always since been an independent soul- we did 18 months state boarding school for him age 12 and by then he could get all the way from Redhill back to where we were in Twickenham by train with changes etc. at 17 he was in a shared house whilst doing a tech apprenticeship and at 19 was in London in a shared house whilst working. He’s 26 now and a mature and well rounded young man and despite a few hiccups ( adult diagnosed ADHD) he’s always been very good at dealing with change and I think it’s because he had lots of very varied experiences -I’m very proud of him

Yes but those cases are decades apart. I’m talking about 4 high profile murders within the space of a couple of years.

True, but a lot of that was because the 00s were the start of 24hr news reporting. I'm sure there were all sorts of cases regarding children that didn't always make the national news.

These days the daily news of the entire country is carried around in our pocket.

Statistically it's no more a risk for kids to go out playing now, than it was in the 80s. In fact, with kids all having mobile phones, smart watches etc is probably safer than ever. It's parents who are pushing their anxieties onto their kids.

I allowed my kids to go to the park behind my house alone, and spied at them over the fence. But it gave them a feeling of independence, started when they were 5 and were allowed 30 mins at a time and progressed to longer and further away as they got older.

We have to allow our kids to experience the world, learn to make decisions and weigh up risk. Teach stranger danger, teach how to get to a safe space if needed, teach them to stay together etc.

We'll sadly never eliminate risk, but we're in a better position than ever now.

Well yes, I’m not saying the world is more dangerous now, just that the certain conditions around this cluster of awful events (all within a short space of time, very high media coverage etc) made it a bad few years for parent anxiety and I think once people parent a certain way, it catches on to their kids in turn etc

My eldest is 13 she loved her Yr6 trip it was just after COVID she had missed two years of school and loved trying so many new things it was only two nights away from home. The kids were great at cheering each other on! I will be very sad if my 10-year-old doesn't get the chance they also do Brownie and Guide Camps. They walk themselves to school 10 year old has since the start of Yr5 , 13 year old walks 40 minutes to secondary school. I send them to the local shops. Neither are particularly outgoing. At 13 I was being sent to France on my own to stay with a strange family on a French Exchange. I am so grateful for the teachers for putting on these opportunities. There is no way I can afford the residential in secondary so thank heavens for these chances.

What drawbacks? Children need to spread their wings, knowing we will be there to catch them if they fall. Both of mine went on every trip we could afford and both were really chilled on return.

Our school (like a PP) starts with a one night in Yr3 and adds a night each year. In both my dds year groups it’s been very unusual for children not to attend - maybe one or two over the whole time - even the more anxious children normally have a go and are fine.

I’m always a little nervous - especially when they go abroad - but they really do get a lot out of the trips in terms of independence and the fun of being away in dorms with friends.

My daughter is in year 3 and is going for a 4 night residential with her cub group in May! She is anxious but will love it when she goes.

I can't imagine it's much different, maybe it's just dependent on the child. I hated residential trips and was so homesick, I now have been diagnosed with ASC and ADHD, the anxiety was huge for me. I'd be happy if my kids did want to go, but both are also ASC and struggle a lot with anxiety, fitting in and bullying. My eldest is also trans, which threw up a load of extra problems I hadn't thought of before when we looked at a French school trip as their policy is to place him in a separate room, which the accommodation didn't have, and with the mounting stress he decided not to go.

Attitudes have changed from 10 years ago then (unless it was just my DC’s class). There were one or two parents with concerns (including me with a child that suffered from anxiety), but everyone went and it was a great and useful experience. Maybe it depends on the teachers going with them. But I think a lot has changed in the past 10 years and we have more anxious parents and children.
It was such a positive experience- what a shame.