To think that BIL has serious problems?

[arcticpandas]

My sister confided in me last night and obviously I can't talk about this irl but would still like to have people's takes on this.
Background: They both work ft, two kids (school age), not wealthy but not poor. BIL is quite rigid but always polite and generous for gifts for birtdays in the family.
BIL does the weekly grocery shop (he has always insisted on doing this acc. to sis). Now he has admitted that he doesn't pay for all the groceries (selfscan). They were having an argument about money/spendings this week and he told her that he was doing loads to save on spendings. I was quite surprised when my sis told me because I always had him down as a "rule-follower" but this itself didn't seem to bother my sis so much her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan. The worst to her was that he kept a fucking log on how much they had saved due to his "forgetfulness" eg stealing per week/month/year!!! I mean, who does this!!!??? Imagine the time it must have taken him, and why? Like a serial killer keeping souvenirs. I told my sister that I couldn't come over to theirs this Saturday because I just can't stand to face BIL right now. I mean I will be able to see him later but I need to digest.
My sister got all mad at me and said hurtful things about my DH and that if I didn't come this Saturday I don't ever have to bother.
Should I suck it up and go although I can't stand to look at BIL right now (AIBU) or am I justified in wanting some time to digest this before I see him again (AINBU)?

I think it's very likely he will get caught and banned from the supermarket. The more he does it the more the risk. What a wally!

He's a thief. I wouldn't be visiting them as she's going along with it.

That little log will come in handy when he is caught. Most shops don’t bother till you’ve hit a certain amount then you get done for all of it.

He will eventually get caught. Twice lately I've seen people get caught.
He sounds vile.

He is not saving, he is stealing!

To be fair she wasn't happy at all about it and they had a major argument about this. But no, she won't divorce him because of it.

I mean, yeah he’s a nobhead thief, that has a knock on effect to the rest of us.

Your reaction was totally ott though.

Exactly what I said!!! Apparantly he has written it down as "groceries for mum" in case it got confiscated. James Bond he is.

I get why you're disgusted with BIL, but personally I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my sister for the sake of demonstrating my disapproval. You're not the one that has to figure out what to do about this. By boycotting her house you are making life more difficult for her when she confided in you looking for your support.

Retailiating by critisising your DH was petty of her but I can she why she was upset by you making it about you.

Ott how? I just can't look at him right now. Didn't say I never will. I don't like thiefs (unless you're starving) and I find everything around it so disgusting (logbook etc). But I asked if I was unreasonable and I'm ready to hear it, but with another argument than just being ott please.

He’s a twat. But your reaction is wayyy OTT.

apart from on MN where people are told to go NC for the slightest thing.

By going on about how you can’t come over because you can’t bear to look at him you’re making this all about you.

Lots of people have twattish family. You don’t have to approve but neither should you be making it all about you.

Just leave them to it. Or are you really prepared to lose your relationship with your sister over it. if so then you need to get a grip.

Good point. I don't want to punish my sis. She's got nothing to do with it. But I will look at the dinner and I will think about what is stolen on the table.

Not the brightest bulb when it will still match their list is he 🤣

The whole point of AIBU is to make it about me and if I'm aibu. My sister could log on making it about her ofcourse but she's not on this site (or I wouldn't have dared to post).

He's doing something really stupid and illegal.

You don't need to worry about it though - it's on him. He might get caught as this kind of stealing is becoming exceptionally common. I was stopped and made to wait in tescos for 15 mins when the self checkout ran out of receipt paper. I had one item (packet of batteries), which I had paid for. I suppose it was expensive and people steal them.

I would just carry on as though nothing has happened. If he gets caught, he can go fuck himself anyway - consequences are theirs to bear.

But you are making it about you rather than trying to support your sister. Yes he clearly does have a problem and yes shoplifting affects everyone in terms of rising prices but this particular issue is more problematic for her so if you are really concerned about her you will need to bite your lip and think about what is best for your sister. Which probably doesn't mean flouncing off and cutting her off because of harsh words said in the heat if the moment.

Well YABU then.

Honestly there seems to be a whole narrative on MN about never having to have anything to do with someone who has an affair/shoplifts/speaks to their children in a certain way (not talking about actual abuse here), and so the list goes on.

The fact is there are some major twats out there but invariably they trip themselves up.

I have a family member who consistently didn’t pay tax as he was self employed. People knew. And rather than distance themselves it became a long running joke about how one of these days he would be caught. And then he was.

so I would turn this into something. Ask him how much of the dinner was paid for or is this a freebie on Sainsbury’s today.

Ultimately as long as you’re not going out grocery shopping with him he’ll get caught in the end.

I think @notwavingbutsinking makes a good point. It’s something your sister has to deal with and your support might be comforting. To stay away because you can’t look at him is punishing her and could be seen to mean you can’t look at her too. Maybe she thought that, which makes what she said a slightly less overreaction. But I can see why she’s hurt by you rejecting her too.

You’ve said yourself that you will be able to look at him soon so it’s not really such a big deal to you, is it? You’re probably just momentarily shocked that he’s done it.

Also, regarding his record of his thieving- I would be very surprised if the police got search warrants for supermarket shoplifters. I suppose they might if they’d been told there was a list, but failing that they’d need to prove which tin of Bea had been stolen and which had been paid for.

I think this indicates that he is far more worried about money and feels far poorer than OP perceives him/them? I’d be worried that they are clearly struggling if he is going to these lengths and would suggest they seek financial counselling to see if there are legal/practical ways to reduce their expenditure.

I’d also point out that if he is caught and the policy of the supermarket/the driver for the duty manager that day is to prosecute every offender caught, he could end up with a criminal record, no job and even less money. He’s being utterly reckless when what he needed to do what level with OPs sister that they need to pull their belts in tighter.

Perhaps you should anonymously inform supermarket - hope he gets caught. He is putting up prices for everyone else in long run that is the effect of shop lifting. Don't blame you for not wanting to visit - he's quite disturbing. What else would he do?

If you don’t go it will be like punishing your sister for confiding in you. She was probably looking for some understanding and support as she is clearly also finding it difficult to deal with what her husband is doing. I understand your feelings completely but if it were me I would make sure my sister understands I’m not judging and “abandoning” her.

Perfect - then he gets arrested, loses his job and her sister is left dealing with the consequences?!!

I don't think YABU for feeling really off about this and needing time to digest it. But do stay onside with your DSis longer term as she will need to talk to you about her problems with him. Tricky for you now you know what he does. I couldn't go and eat a meal with them knowing it had been stolen. Could you see them briefly this weekend, maybe have a coffee out somewhere?

I mean that’s really not a valid excuse to just turn a blind eye to crime either is it.

Well yeah Johnny stole that car but if he gets caught Becky will have to have the children alone. So we just pretend we don’t see anything.

Yes, I’d prioritise your sister here.
Also you could ask him which of the items on the dinner table are stolen, as you’d rather avoid eating them (disclaimer- I am too much of a wuss to do this I suspect but it’s what I’d be thinking)