To think that BIL has serious problems?

[arcticpandas]

My sister confided in me last night and obviously I can't talk about this irl but would still like to have people's takes on this.
Background: They both work ft, two kids (school age), not wealthy but not poor. BIL is quite rigid but always polite and generous for gifts for birtdays in the family.
BIL does the weekly grocery shop (he has always insisted on doing this acc. to sis). Now he has admitted that he doesn't pay for all the groceries (selfscan). They were having an argument about money/spendings this week and he told her that he was doing loads to save on spendings. I was quite surprised when my sis told me because I always had him down as a "rule-follower" but this itself didn't seem to bother my sis so much her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan. The worst to her was that he kept a fucking log on how much they had saved due to his "forgetfulness" eg stealing per week/month/year!!! I mean, who does this!!!??? Imagine the time it must have taken him, and why? Like a serial killer keeping souvenirs. I told my sister that I couldn't come over to theirs this Saturday because I just can't stand to face BIL right now. I mean I will be able to see him later but I need to digest.
My sister got all mad at me and said hurtful things about my DH and that if I didn't come this Saturday I don't ever have to bother.
Should I suck it up and go although I can't stand to look at BIL right now (AIBU) or am I justified in wanting some time to digest this before I see him again (AINBU)?

Your sister is nuts

its not the owners who suffer but each and every one of us who also shop. Part of any price rise covers the cost of good lost through shoplifting

he is a thief and she is now saying it’s acceptable, it’s not and whatever my relationship with them I would not be prepared to have anything to do with a thief or anyone who colludes with them

i would also be reporting anonymously to the shop giving a good description so they can look out for him.

awful man and sorry your sister is no better

If you steal when you don't have to, it is a reflection on your morals.

I don't willingly surround myself with people who I believe to have very poor morals.

This is tricky because it is your sister, so you have to let it go if you want a relationship with her... But I don't think you are being OTT at all OP.

It would make me question everything about who he is as a person.

Is your DS aware that he will definitely lose his working in finance job when he gets caught? Even if it is a warning issued by the supermarket or it’s resolved civilly and not criminal pursuit, he will have to declare to his employers. Hope DSis works herself, she’ll need to when she is the sole breadwinner! What supermarket is it? I’d assume Waitrose, cannot imagine taking this risk for Tesco! 😁

This.

Most people I know are struggling to afford their food shop these days with COL. It doesn't sit well someone stealing who doesn't have to (to feed his family) AND he is doing something that is affecting the rest of us.

We are picking up his bill in the long run and not all of us can afford to do so.

I'm not sure if I would report, it's complicated as it's family... But if it was anyone else, I absolutely would.

This isn't some single mum on a really low income hiding a couple of items in her child's buggy, this is a reasonable well off man stealing a large grocery shop every single week. The supermarkets don't miss out as they just raise their prices to claw back the money that is lost through shoplifting so other law-abiding shoppers are paying for his groceries.

I'm not sure why your sister immediately started saying hurtful things about your DH. She chose to tell you what her husband was doing. Did she expect you to tell her that it was no big deal?

@fishpie2 I’m ill today, thank you for the TV suggestion.

To the OP, he will get caught, it’s just a matter of time. Sounds like he’s doing it for the thrill now and well as greed. Greedy bastards eventually get lazy and complacent and that’s their downfall.

I think it’s odd that he does that. It’s not something I would do.

However, I use self scan and I understand how the machines work. So he’s going through an awful lot of gymnastics to do this. As when you scan an item and put it on the bagging area it’s weighs your shop and it should theoretically hold the shop up and alert someone to come over.

Asda allow you to scan and bag while you’re shopping and when you go to pay someone comes over to check you’ve scanned alcohol and other expensive items.

I don’t know how he’s getting away with it.

As for your reaction though I think it’s over the top to tell your sister that you need to “digest” this. I think her anger is justified given that she can’t trust you and tell you private matters without you being judgemental.

You’re making it about you. It’s not about you, or your reaction. It’s about your sister having discovered something very upsetting and which will potentially land them in trouble if it continues. She needs support, not judgement. Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

This. A hell of a lot of people who shoplift aren’t doing it out of necessity. They do it because they get some kind of frisson from it. He may well need psychiatric help.

What sort of job will he apply for when he can’t work in finance any more then?

They’re nuts. They’ll get caught.

Have you looked your DH's shortcomings as honestly and scathingly as you have your Bil's?

My bil is an absolute asshole - goes on holidays without sil / kids multiple times a year and then complains there's no money for family holidays, never contributes to any child related expenses so my sister has to support both kids (and pay towards bills) on 15k a year, and will regularly steal money from the joint account to find his interests. Yet my sister has the nerve to criticise my husband whenever he so much as looks at someone wrong.

Ask your sister how she will run the household when her dh is arrested for stealing. It will go down on his record in some way which will have future consequences for him. He may lose his job and/or make it difficult for him to find future employment.

This will mean all the money he has 'saved' will be spent on subsidising the family while he is unemployed or in prison. I hope your sister has a decent paid job if she's ever left to financially support the family alone.

These are the points I'd mention to your sister.

Agree...

I also wouldn't be letting a known thief into my own home either.

Tbh it's the best reason on here for turning a blind eye.

There's too many women struggling raising children alone due to shitty male parents making dreadful choices.

I wouldn’t want to ever see him again, he’s a persistent shit head of a thief. Can you have your sister round to yours rather than have to go to hers and see him?

I have no idea how he does it but I hope he's caught and humiliated. We're all paying extra due to thieves like him. Your sister is just as bad for going along with it. I wouldn't be able to visit them without telling him he's a low-life thief so I'd have to keep my distance.

Disgusting - people who steal bring prices up for everyone, don't think for a minute supermarkets will not reflect this 'forgetfulness' in their next price reviews. Supermarkets won't lose out, we all shall. And for your sister to tell you that - it means she is not horrified, as she would have been, had he killed somebody or even embarrassed - had he had a STD from illicit sex in the park. Says a lot about them both.

Referring to previous posts this week: he probably was forgiven or even 'gifted a few bulbs to plant for next' when as a child, he was stealing daffodils from a neighbour's garden, instead of beaten the proverbial out of.

I agree - don't sacrifice your relationship with your sister over this. So your BIL's a knob. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I understand how it's done with the handheld scanners you take around with you. I also hear there is a way to ensure you don't get a bag check.
Obviously, I'm not going to say here! Thing with shoplifting is that it's easy to turn a blind eye but it affects us all in that it forces retailers to up their prices (as if they need an excuse!). I stole a baking potato and some bananas from outside a greengrocers many years ago. I was skint and hungry. My god, I felt so guilty.
Perhaps he could become a freegan? I'm in a bin dive FB group and the amount of food that M&S bin is absolutely disgusting. It really is shocking.

Just climb down OP, it's really nothing to do with you what other people do, you could tell her that you've rather not have known because it makes you think of BIL in a different light now, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it so why take it out on your sister? Tell her you'd prefer she didn't bring it up again.

He will eventually get caught out, so just leave them to it.

I used to work for someone who made plenty of money and never had any issues with finances, but he used to steal razor blades and batteries, he says he did it for the thrill of knowing he might get caught.. some people are just odd.

In the UK, the prosecution threshold for shoplifting, specifically for low-value shoplifting, is £200. Shoplifting involving goods worth £200 or less is a summary-only offense, meaning it's typically dealt with in a Magistrates' Court, with a maximum penalty of six months' imprisonment or a fine.
This amount is going to removed pretty soon.
If you watch the TV programme about a shopping centre in Coventry (I think) they just remove the goods and give a ban to the centre and often don't involve the police as it is not worth it for less than this amount.
The shop staff in S Dooleys programme said they have lost their Christmas bonus and some staff members because there is so much thieving so not just the company that loses out and the amount of abuse they got was dreadful.

I don't understand how it's possible to do that. When you put item in bagging area it shouts at you and you can't scan anything else. If he leaves it in trolley it's on camera and security will see it

Describing it as creepy and sick is such a weird response. You can disagree with his actions without weirdly labeling it.

That’s his fault for being such a twat! Idiots like him are helping to push prices up in supermarkets for the rest of us! On top of which store staff get it in the neck if their loses are above 1% at stocktake time! He needs reporting, if it was my BIL I’d happily do it!