To think that BIL has serious problems?

[arcticpandas]

My sister confided in me last night and obviously I can't talk about this irl but would still like to have people's takes on this.
Background: They both work ft, two kids (school age), not wealthy but not poor. BIL is quite rigid but always polite and generous for gifts for birtdays in the family.
BIL does the weekly grocery shop (he has always insisted on doing this acc. to sis). Now he has admitted that he doesn't pay for all the groceries (selfscan). They were having an argument about money/spendings this week and he told her that he was doing loads to save on spendings. I was quite surprised when my sis told me because I always had him down as a "rule-follower" but this itself didn't seem to bother my sis so much her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan. The worst to her was that he kept a fucking log on how much they had saved due to his "forgetfulness" eg stealing per week/month/year!!! I mean, who does this!!!??? Imagine the time it must have taken him, and why? Like a serial killer keeping souvenirs. I told my sister that I couldn't come over to theirs this Saturday because I just can't stand to face BIL right now. I mean I will be able to see him later but I need to digest.
My sister got all mad at me and said hurtful things about my DH and that if I didn't come this Saturday I don't ever have to bother.
Should I suck it up and go although I can't stand to look at BIL right now (AIBU) or am I justified in wanting some time to digest this before I see him again (AINBU)?

It won’t though will it. As a poster said above, the police don’t even attend shoplifting incidents of <£250.

I think it’s entirely normal to take the behaviour of one person and ask ourselves what the impact of everyone engaging in the same behaviour would be as a way of establishing whether that behaviour in that individual is or ought to be tolerated. To reject that is to assert that BIL is somehow special and has rights over and above those of the average person.

Respectfully, the reactions to my posts would also indicate that other people are perhaps getting this even if you’re not.

We’re obviously not going to agree, and that’s OK. Thanks for the discussion.

Got a photo of him?Id just drop that into the supermarket addressed to the manager with a note “ you’ve got a serial thief on the self scan, usually Friday evening”
I do hope he gets arrested.

Especially since the shop doesn't even have the list!

she is as bad as him. she needs to stop getting her nails done, stop eating out, and stop buying anything that isn't essential. His stealing is paying for all those things.

People need to live within their means, and that does mean cutting out luxuries, and that does include eating out.

OTT because it’s not your circus. Why does somebody else’s behaviour affect you so much to the point that you can’t keep the plans you’ve already made with your sister? I truly think this reflects more on you. You don’t have to spend time 1~1 with him. You could totally be honest and tell him “DSis told me about your shoplifting, it’s really messed up”

He is being a dick and will get his comeuppance - they could well be aware of it already. You could flag it to the supermarket you know he goes to if it really bothers you that much 🤷‍♀️

He won't even have the defence about them not having enough money. When it comes out that both of them have full time wages coming in, he will be taken to court over it. He's not thinking straight about this. If he doesn't have the money to shop now then how will he manage when he's lost his job?

Integrity is everything - does he really want people to see him as a thief?

Seems to be much easier in the smaller express supermarkets. I saw a lady “forget” to scan some expensive salmon the other week. Just happened to fall in her bag! They noticed and just made her scan it so she will probably do it again.

I’ve also seen a few people tap a card that gets declined but purposefully and quickly stride out so that by the time the staff realise, they are gone. Or they don’t bother chasing them - I told them about one lady and they just shrugged. So maybe I’m the idiot here actually paying for stuff 🤣

Christ on a bike, he’s a petty thief, not a paedophile!

Its distasteful of course, but your level of horror is way OTT.

If he continues, yes, obviously. But that’s not really the concern of the OP - she should be concerned that his stealing is an indication that his and her sister’s financial situation is much worse than she has lead herself to believe. Her role at this point to to encourage them to seek help with their finances/debts so that he stops doing it… not to play snitch and make both their situations worse, alienating herself from her sister for the rest of their lives, surely?

An ex colleague of mine told me that her and her adult daughter regularly shop together and walk out with a trolley full of stuff.Couldnt look at her the same after that.

Agree with all this. I think they should seek debt advice and maybe he should go to his GP for some therapy. In our area you can self refer to talking therapies.

I remember reading about a copper putting donuts through as onions or carrots.. caught.. sacked.
How stupid could you be to do that.

He is a criminal.
Try to obtain evidence and report to the police anonymously .

Oh I’d have to report him to the police. I hate that kind of behaviour.

People always legitimise what they’re doing when they’re doing something bad. That’s unbelievable. Makes my blood boil. I’ll happily report him for you if you send me an anonymous email. I’d love to see him caught and hopefully he loses his job in the process. Then he’ll see what it is to need food.

Mr Tesco provides thousands of jobs to people in this country, that they are completely reliant on.

I wouldn’t be having any relationship with my sister if she was supportive of this. Game over for me.

Unbelievable. These people need to go to jail and live with a criminal record

That’s nonsense. People don’t steal because they have to. They steal because they feel entitled to it. It’s not in the least bit indicative that they have a bad financial situation and completely indicative that her sister and her husband are awful people

Agree. Look at the profile of criminals. Always escalates from something more benign.

You did read that her sister now thinks he’s right to behave this way…?

yes I did. Things escalate in response to the initial behaviours and conversations. OP handled it badly from the start and it’s escalated. The sister no long has an ally in OP so has reverted to the husband instead

I think that says a lot more about your morals than hers.

That’s not an accurate assessment. An accurate assessment to back up what you’re saying would be “all shoplifters go on to commit more serious crimes” -which isn’t true.

you can’t say all serious criminals started as shoplifters to prove the likelihood of OPs BIL becoming one.

Honestly, yes your BIL is an idiot, he's stealing, and this type of theft means supermarkets have to increase prices. However, is it worth sacrificing your relationship with your sister over? You don't approve; no one says you have too.