To think that BIL has serious problems?

[arcticpandas]

My sister confided in me last night and obviously I can't talk about this irl but would still like to have people's takes on this.
Background: They both work ft, two kids (school age), not wealthy but not poor. BIL is quite rigid but always polite and generous for gifts for birtdays in the family.
BIL does the weekly grocery shop (he has always insisted on doing this acc. to sis). Now he has admitted that he doesn't pay for all the groceries (selfscan). They were having an argument about money/spendings this week and he told her that he was doing loads to save on spendings. I was quite surprised when my sis told me because I always had him down as a "rule-follower" but this itself didn't seem to bother my sis so much her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan. The worst to her was that he kept a fucking log on how much they had saved due to his "forgetfulness" eg stealing per week/month/year!!! I mean, who does this!!!??? Imagine the time it must have taken him, and why? Like a serial killer keeping souvenirs. I told my sister that I couldn't come over to theirs this Saturday because I just can't stand to face BIL right now. I mean I will be able to see him later but I need to digest.
My sister got all mad at me and said hurtful things about my DH and that if I didn't come this Saturday I don't ever have to bother.
Should I suck it up and go although I can't stand to look at BIL right now (AIBU) or am I justified in wanting some time to digest this before I see him again (AINBU)?

I think it's more that I had a really high opinion of him. He comes across as such a decent man, a bit rigid at times but when you talk to him you get the feeling that he's a model citizen with firm values about behaviour etc. Like he would be really mad if one of his kids stole something and give a long lecture on morals- it's the kind of person he is. I suppose this is why I was so shocked. It's just so far from the person I thought I knew.
I will not report him. Apparantly he's been doing this for atleast two years so he must be good at it and have nerves of steal.
I can see why my sister has accepted it because she loves him dearly and he's a good father to their dc. And I'm not worried about him stealing from us as some posters said. I just can't see that happening because he wouldn't be able to justify that as taking from "the rich". I do worry about him stealing at work though since he's in a position to do so. It would break my sister if he went to prison for theft. If I say something she will just be upsetn
Selfishly I just wish she hadn't told me.

That isn’t selfish, OP. In fact I am sort of getting the impression she’s trauma dumped on you and is now getting pissy with you for having an understandable reaction. I have to wonder what reaction she expected.

I’ve put YABU but only because your sister was obviously looking forward to your visit and to back out because of something your idiot BIL did seems a bit selfish to me, you’ve got an entire week to process it. I think you should still go visit and maybe just tell him your thoughts on it.
I also think he’s blatantly a knobend, for some reason he doesn’t have a conscious and is one of the reasons why all of our food shopping has become extortionate with some families unable to keep up with the rises.
I once accidentally forgot to tell the Aldi person I had one of those big bags of dog food at the bottom of my trolly (also had a screaming toddler with me), didn’t realise until at the car when I felt horrendous for 2 days until I couldn’t bare it and went back and owned up, I was going to leave it until the next shop on the Saturday but I couldn’t sleep encase they’d discovered it on cctv and banned me or ridiculous over thinking!
I have no clue how he can go back into the supermarket and do it again and again! He’s a disgusting individual.

it’s unethical but i wouldn’t cause an issue over it - it’s not your problem it’s his / theirs. and it’s about perspective, for some they might think these big supermarkets are making a ton of profit etc and they’d justify it (or try to). others can fake needs for benefits. the rich find loopholes to avoid tax. even MPs claim steak lunches as expenses. all are unethical, but don’t get too emotionally invested about it.

If you don’t report him you are every bit as bad as him. Sorry, unfollowing. You’re morally bankrupt too and I have no time for you

I think you might of messed up here. Your sister confided in you and you’ve gone way OTT and made her confession ‘a thing’. It’s very unlikely she will confide in you again, and this bizzare behaviour by your BIL is likely the tip of the iceberg. IMO, you will never know now as she won’t be telling you anything else!

Just don't visit. Say you are saving on fuel.. Unless he knows how to syphon off petrol from the service station? Your dsis is also a criminal now.... Eating know stolen goods...

Between your opinion and those who say I'm ott for reacting and that I should suck my feelings up for my sister there are some nuances of gray. I will not report nor go nc with my sister. What I will do is talk to her bringing up arguments about prices going up for everyone and tell her that if her dc find out the image they have of their father will be forever tainted. I am also worried about his ethics at work which would be catastrophic if they're as bad as at the shops..

I have every sympathy with the OP it's such a shock when you learn something negative about someone, you previously thought you "knew" well.
This happened to me some years ago when I admired a good friends jumper and she glibly told me her boyfriend had taken it from one of his clients houses but it didn't matter as they had a huge house and were obviously very wealthy.
I never felt quite the same about her after that, it ends up you questioning your own judgement about people.

Don’t be stupid, This isn’t about prices going up. It’s nothing at all to do with that. It’s entitlement. Pure and simple. I shouldn’t have to bother paying for food when I could just steal it. That is the underlying attitude. If he really needed food but couldn’t pay for it, he’d work more or go to a food bank. You have already stated what he said to your sister - his view is that the supermarkets make profits and don’t need the money so he feels entitled to take items without paying for them because it’s a victimless crime. The man is an entitled thief. He’s not struggling for money. You’re an idiot to think this is a rational debate that you’re having with them. I hope you’re all caught out.

Agree - this will just be one thing he does. He’ll be a bad guy all round. OP there are no shades of grey here. You just have no backbone that’s all

Don’t bother - he works in finance he knows prices aren’t going up for everyone. He’ll just think you’re stupid.

waterballons you are mad. Truly mad. And the most awful sister I could imagine

He won't have a job when he gets caught will he?
When dsis is relying on food banks she may be a bit more living in the real world then...

Calling me an idiot makes whatever else you say not interesting. BIL is an entitled thief but you're just rude.

Yes and you’re equally morally bankrupt. You can pretend you’re not because of ‘nuance’. But you’re just going through that same thought process that they are ok.legitimising things.

There are shades as to how to react. You will see when you'll get older (I hope). It's not either embracing what Bil is doing or never talk to my sister again. None of those are reasonable actions. I will keep on pestering sis with my opinions and tell her to do the shops so he can't continue.

When I get older? How old do you think I am?! 😆

You do seem to have brought out quite a few of the swivel-eyed from all directions, OP! I feel for you. It’s genuinely tough finding out someone you thought was good and decent isn’t. It’s a shock and perfectly understandable to be blindsided and not know how to react. It’s been bizarre watching so many people go to bat for a thief they don’t even know, I must say. One has to wonder whether there’s some bad conscience at play in some quarters . . .

There are some utterly unhinged views on here. OP is “the most awful sister I could imagine”. Really?

I’m sure Rose West would be a worse sister! Petty theft is shit, but there are far, far worse crimes. And OP is not the criminal here. She is under no obligation to poke her nose in. She is not legally bound to report this offence, and frankly if she did walk into a police station to make a statement (and potentially blow up her family) that her BIL had stolen a pack of fish fingers and a melon they’d probably chuckle and send her packing.

Bit of perspective, please!

Incidentally @arcticpandas

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cp82jvd3g54o

“Shoplifting adds £133 to the cost of an average UK household's shopping bill each year, according to the Centre for Retail Research.”

Not sure how reliable the CRR is, but food for thought.

Nonsense. It’s criminal. Just you keep paying for your food and whilst you do think of all the people who aren’t 👌

No I was just brought up well. Clearly not the case with all the chavs in here who are fine with it.

It’s not food for thought if it’s not true. Why don’t you find out how they calculated it before you post an article like that?

By all means explain it to us. This is obviously important to you and something you feel you are qualified to lecture us on. If they are spreading misinformation then I think that’s actually very serious.