To think that BIL has serious problems?

[arcticpandas]

My sister confided in me last night and obviously I can't talk about this irl but would still like to have people's takes on this.
Background: They both work ft, two kids (school age), not wealthy but not poor. BIL is quite rigid but always polite and generous for gifts for birtdays in the family.
BIL does the weekly grocery shop (he has always insisted on doing this acc. to sis). Now he has admitted that he doesn't pay for all the groceries (selfscan). They were having an argument about money/spendings this week and he told her that he was doing loads to save on spendings. I was quite surprised when my sis told me because I always had him down as a "rule-follower" but this itself didn't seem to bother my sis so much her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan. The worst to her was that he kept a fucking log on how much they had saved due to his "forgetfulness" eg stealing per week/month/year!!! I mean, who does this!!!??? Imagine the time it must have taken him, and why? Like a serial killer keeping souvenirs. I told my sister that I couldn't come over to theirs this Saturday because I just can't stand to face BIL right now. I mean I will be able to see him later but I need to digest.
My sister got all mad at me and said hurtful things about my DH and that if I didn't come this Saturday I don't ever have to bother.
Should I suck it up and go although I can't stand to look at BIL right now (AIBU) or am I justified in wanting some time to digest this before I see him again (AINBU)?

I think you refusing to visit and throwing a massive strop is making it weirdly all about you. Surely the priority is supporting your sister? Go, be polite and help your sister through this. How can you abandon her?

How has OP looked at her BIL's shortcomings honestly and scathingly? She has said that her BIL is a bit rigid but always polite and generous so it was a huge shock when her sister told her that he stole a large food shop every single week. Her sister deliberately told OP what he was doing. OP is shocked as it seemed out of character.

Why would OP need to look at her own DH's shortcomings? He hasn't done anything wrong, unlike her BIL. Why do you think that OP's DH is anything like your sister's DH. OP's sister was just lashing out.

Anyway, her sister is now saying that she supports her husband's weekly grocery theft and thinks that he is doing the right thing. She may change her tune when he is caught and then loses his job in finance due to a criminal record.

tell me he doesnt go to the same shop every week to do it-if he does small amounts he might just get banned they ddont bother proseuting for low amounts but i dont get hhow he hasnt had a random check yet-one thing you an say o i must have forgot but several things?

😂It took some front for the sister to slag off OP’s husband when she’d literally just outed BIL as a tea leaf who keeps little victory lists for his own gratification.

He’s been very lucky to have gotten away with this so far. I do scan as you go at Asda and they do random checks where they scan 10 items in your trolly to check you have scanned them. It’s happened to me a few times. Obviously it’s been fine for me as I scan everything but they’d be bound to pick one of the items he hasn’t scanned and then they do the full trolly. I’ve seen it happen to people. I’m suprised he’s never had a random stop for that. Or maybe it’s not as random as I think and I just look shifty 😂

Like a serial killer? Are you messin'.

How is your own outlook on money? Sounds like you've got your knickers in a twist coz someone out there is saving loads of £££ and you feel like a mug having to pay for it all, hence you being so flustered.

I mean, he shouldn't be stealing. But it's not like I'm ever gonna feel any sympathy for huge corporations like Tesco/Asda/etc either. Certainly wouldn't be in a rage on their behalf.

I don't know what your BIL is actually like other than your comments about him bring a bit rigid but polite etc.
I wonder if your sister has told her DH that she has also told YOU about his shoplifting.
If she has, then i think I'd speak to him about it, not being too accusatory or judgemental but in a worried way about what would happen to him and his family if (when) he gets caught.
If he thinks his habit is getting known within the family it might give him pause for thought. There's always a chance that the more people know about it, someone might dob him in.

He'll eventually be stopped from using scan and pack, the supermarket will catch up with him, he'll get braver and cocky and start to steal more, once he's triggered full shop scans he won't be able to say oh sorry I forgot to scan those 15 items.... staff aren't stupid.

We all suffer from rising prices when people do this. It’s not a question of rage on behalf of big companies. You can rest assured it’ll be all of us paying the price for theft, not the CEOs. Stealing from huge supermarkets isn’t the fuck you to the system that some people seem to think it is.

Jesus Christ. Who needs enemies when they have family like you.

...her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan.

This is incorrect. They have camera's on those scanners. Sooner or later the store will get suspicious and then they will review all the footage that involved him. He will be in big trouble and the resulting fine will be a big financial hit to the entire family.

I don't see it as that either.
I just see the world realistically. As a place where some people follow the rules, and some people don't.
That's life. You can't change human nature. So no point getting all wound up about it.

What he is doing is wrong but it's not like he is out mugging the elderly. Your DSis confided in you and you have massively overreacted saying you can't face him and need time to digest it like he has committed some heinous crime. I'd be upset if I was your sister too, she is the one who could actually be impacted by his behaviour not you and rather than support her you are shunning her DH.

This isnt an accurate reflection of the way supermarkets - or any shops -price their products. They simply don’t carry on increasing prices directly to compensate for theft.

it just suits them that people who aren’t experienced in pricing/ marketing believe that.

its also far from a guarantee that BIl will lose his “job in finance” - there are loads of jobs in finance that don’t require professional qualifications and don’t require a dbs.

even for those that do, if he were to get a shop lifting convection it wouldn’t necessarily exclude him from the job (and he won’t get a shoplifting conviction at the level he’s stealing)

hyperbole isn’t really helpful to an already drama llama OP

Well, of course - we don’t live in a perfect world. That doesn’t necessarily mean OP’s required to turn a blind eye, though. I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone as self-serving and enslaved by his impulses as BIL. I’d probably arrange to see my sister at my own home or somewhere else. I wouldn’t dob him in, but I wouldn’t go to their house and make nice and pretend like his behaviour isn’t an embarrassment, either.

She went on telling me that she now agrees with her husband because they are cutting down on staff at the supermarket and the customers are basically doing a job scanning all the products so should be paid for it. And supermarkets have rich owners so it's not like taking from someone poor.

Justifictions like this make me see red. All the supermarkets will do is put up their prices, so we all pay for their stealing.

Thing is again where do you draw the line. What stops him stealing from op? Stealing from ops parents? Stealing from friends and other family?

A thief is a thief if they are brazen enough to even keep a little log book of their accomplishments is a mental thing.

This isn’t a young mum or dad stealing so their baby can have formula and nappies where you might be inclined to turn an eye.

It’s a man stealing whatever food he wants just because he can and it’s a game to him.

This makes me so angry. He is no better than a thieving junkie scumbag. The excuse "ooh they should pay me it's not my job" is bollocks. If you don't want to do it go to a manned till. All the thieving scumbags say exactly the same, I forgot, the staff know you didn't forget they are not the idiots that scumbags take them for. Can you tell i used to work in retail and there are just as many well dressed,, well to do shoplifters as there are junkies. He's kidding himself if he thinks the staff don't know. Eventually they will start following him around the shop and catch him. Then he'll lose his big job hopefully.

Because he’s using scan as you go, not self check out. No weighing takes place

What would he steal from OP or family? I’m assuming they don’t have a supermarket in their house.

what stops him is what stops most shoplifters from stealing from their families

He won’t get arrested. At some point he’ll have a random spot check. My DH genuinely forgot to scan a solitary jacket potato in a £150 shop. It was spotted and it was added to the bill.

The next time we went shopping we had a full trolley search. Everything was in order but it took forever. After that we were searched about 1 in 3 trips, which is gradually lessening. I’m sure it would be more often if they found something amiss again.

It’s such a ballache that I can’t see how anyone would subject themselves to the inconvenience. He won’t get away with it forever.

But I have to say your reaction is very over the top. Unfortunately loads of people steal, illegally and legally. Whether they’re nicking the odd supplies at work and think it’s fair game, or giving their house away to their kids so that the taxpayer has to eventually cough up for their care costs, or swindling benefits. If we stopped talking to them all we’d never talk to anyone again!

Oh, come on. They increase prices with gay abandon at the slightest provocation. I’m not suggesting shrinkage is anywhere near the driving factor in price increases, but let’s not pretend that folk who go on the rob in Tesco are taking money out of the pockets of the higher ups, because they’re not. It’s not ‘hyperbole’ to point out that BIL is a common or garden tea leaf and not Robin Hood.

He’s getting a kick out of stealing. It is absolutely not a stretch to speculate that he might seek that thrill in other contexts, especially if the addiction escalates.

You're not overreacting at all.

A lot of people with low standards on this thread. Probably the same ones who end up complaining they're in shit relationships.

No one said they take money out of the higher ups, no one says they’re a Robin Hood character.

i said i know that shoplifting doesn’t directly or impactfully increase retail prices