To think that BIL has serious problems?

[arcticpandas]

My sister confided in me last night and obviously I can't talk about this irl but would still like to have people's takes on this.
Background: They both work ft, two kids (school age), not wealthy but not poor. BIL is quite rigid but always polite and generous for gifts for birtdays in the family.
BIL does the weekly grocery shop (he has always insisted on doing this acc. to sis). Now he has admitted that he doesn't pay for all the groceries (selfscan). They were having an argument about money/spendings this week and he told her that he was doing loads to save on spendings. I was quite surprised when my sis told me because I always had him down as a "rule-follower" but this itself didn't seem to bother my sis so much her argument being that they can never prove he didn't "forget" to scan. The worst to her was that he kept a fucking log on how much they had saved due to his "forgetfulness" eg stealing per week/month/year!!! I mean, who does this!!!??? Imagine the time it must have taken him, and why? Like a serial killer keeping souvenirs. I told my sister that I couldn't come over to theirs this Saturday because I just can't stand to face BIL right now. I mean I will be able to see him later but I need to digest.
My sister got all mad at me and said hurtful things about my DH and that if I didn't come this Saturday I don't ever have to bother.
Should I suck it up and go although I can't stand to look at BIL right now (AIBU) or am I justified in wanting some time to digest this before I see him again (AINBU)?

He’s a prick but I think being unable to look at him and comparing him to a serial killer is rather melodramatic.

By not coming over you are punishing her for his actions. That's not fair.
You are also punishing her for confiding in you. That's not fair either. She should be able to confide in you without you making her problem all about you.

I think you have to let it go for the sake of your relationship with your sister.

I don't even understand how he does it. That "unexplained item in bagging area" alert goes off if you so much as look at the damn thing!

How much is he ‘saving’?

I don’t know how he can be so brazen about it, I have forgot to scan a carrier bag before and freaked out.

don’t let it ruin your relationship with your sister though, if u was her I’d keep quiet about it

He’s a thief and will have far bigger fish to fry when he gets caught.

I’d not punish the sister, I’d go to the dinner (whether I could keep it in wondering which parts of dinner were stolen I honestly don’t know!).

I don't think this is about him saving money - he is getting a buzz from it, like a gambling addict. He's walking a dangerous path and it will end badly. Your sister will have to deal with the fallout and embarrassment. I wouldn't fall out with my sister over this but I would warn her that he could end up losing his job if he's convicted of theft.

He is a thief. The OP can make her own choice about what to do, as can her sister. Each to their own.

I wouldn’t fiddle the self scan, but who on earth waits for 15 minutes after you’ve already paid for an item? Assuming you’d paid using contactless (or card) you had a proof of purchase. If I had been you I would have just walked. Indeed, if the Sainsbury’s one run out I just walk and push the barrier open. Why people feel the need to wait around for the convenience of a major retailer I don’t know!

@arcticpandas your sister is married to a dishonest fool.

Loving her and your relationship, with her, is so much more important than you, judging her idiot of a husband?

Go tonight @arcticpandas, otherwise, you are punishing her too?

What is his job?

Send an anonymous picture of him to all the supermarkets he frequents 😂 Tell them he is a thief.

I bet you are all guilty of receiving stolen goods when you accept his very generous gifts too! The difference is now you know will you be complicit?

I’d inwardly consider him a dick and continue your relationship with your sister. But I’d be slightly miffed at her that she values her thieving dickhead husband over her sister who has done nothing wrong

Ott how? I just can't look at him right now.

You answered your own question there.

But I asked if I was unreasonable and I'm ready to hear it, but with another argument than just being ott please.

So you’re prepared to hear it, as long as it’s the argument you want to hear?

No wonder your sister has told you to forget it. I would too.

I don’t know what his job is, but in many professions, a conviction for theft would be a dismissal. Job loss, car loss, home loss, family loss, status loss (no particular order).

It’s just theft and if I were his wife I would make it stop, immediately.

I didn't go tonight because I had a fallout with my sister. I called her to say that we would be coming over. She went on telling me that she now agrees with her husband because they are cutting down on staff at the supermarket and the customers are basically doing a job scanning all the products so should be paid for it. And supermarkets have rich owners so it's not like taking from someone poor. And apparantly they "save" around 100£ per month thanks to BIL and they are struggling every month. I told her that if this is true how come you don't stop shopping all the time (Amazon deliveries atleast 3 times/week with "stuff") doing your nails, going to restaurants frequently. We're not doing any of that, we have less money because I'm a sahm with one of my DC being SEN so just 1 salary. So obviously this didn't go down well. We'll make up later. I'm just disappointed in her justifying her DH's stealing when her first reaction to it was to be appalled. Maybe she needs to buy his narrative to keep the peace at home, I don't know.

I still find it extremely weird that he keeps a logbook about his thefts. It feels like a really creepy and sick thing to do even though he does work in finance so maybe it's just second nature.

If he works in finance and gets a criminal conviction he can kiss his job goodbye. Bloody idiot

He'll get caught, he'll have found a technique for stealing that's repetitive and that's what will stand out and staff will be looking out for him.

He’ll get caught. Everyone gets stopped for a trolley check eventually. I’ve been stopped a few times. I’ve figured out that it’s when I’ve bought something expensive that I don’t usually buy one week that it triggers a check. One time it was a Lego set. Another time it was some dehumidifier blocks. Things that aren’t on my weekly shop. Also I’ve always been stopped when doing a biggish shop at a different supermarket branch than my usual. My DD laughs we get stopped every time I go to this other place every few months. Lol. However the staff did seem to think most people are triggered for a check every so many shops - reward card scanning is key here in tracking what you usually buy and where you usually shop and then also how often you’re checked. I’ve nothing to hide so it doesn’t bother me. My elderly DM hates being stopped and doesn’t use self scan now as she finds it humiliating.

You are being unreasonable on many counts. Don’t punish your sister, it’s not her fault she’s married to a thief and a twat. Go over and just be civil to BIL. You are making this all about you, how you feel and how you can’t look at him. Stop that, make up with your sister as she’ll always be your sister and he may not always be your BIL.

For those saying OP has been dramatic about this, sister has matched that with her 'if you don't come this week, don't ever bother coming again' comment

Either he's exaggerating as he thinks it looks 'cool' or he will one hundred percent get caught and fined. It sounds like that's not the least morally appropriate thing he's doing though.

He seems very controlling. I hope she knows she doesn't have to stay with him? Just keep her in your sights as he sounds like a wrong un.

But if you openly slag him off I guess it could push her closer to him and further from you.

The more he gets away with, the “braver” he will become and will start to steal more and more and then will eventually be caught. This is the well documented pattern for such behaviour. I think I’d have the dinner and make veiled comments throughout but then I’m petty.

I agree with this. You aren't the judge and jury and your sister may need your support when he gets caught.

This is like Richard Madeley in 1994 chucking his coat over all that champagne and ‘forgetting’ to pay for it. 😅 why is he keeping a list of his stolen goods!

Seems fairly risky but I think he’ll get away with it actually. It is quite funny though, are they really that skint they need to risk it?

Tell her to watch Stacey Dooleys new documentary on iplayer about shoplifters and see if she changes her mind.
I watched it yesterday and it was the shop staff I felt sorry for not the poor shoplifters. Most of them were bypassing half of their goods on the self scanner as well as thieving out of shops like Bodycare.

I would be trying my best to park this as none of my business, as ultimately, your relationship with your sister is more important than Mr Tescos profit margin.
Your sister confided in you about something shes worried about but doesn't agree with, but youve blown it up with selfrighteousness and made it awkward