Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH walking ahead

294 replies

Angelofmycoins · 21/03/2025 23:33

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

OP posts:
BarneyRonson · 21/03/2025 23:35

God, what twatty behaviour. Truly shitty.

Smokeyblueblack · 21/03/2025 23:40

Have you had a discussion with him about why he does this?
It sounds as though he is ashamed to be seen with you .
It's extremely unpleasant behaviour.
I would be tempted to not bother following him and go off by myself. Would he notice if you did?

Suzuki76 · 21/03/2025 23:42

The men I know who do this are using the time to get away from their wives and kids and they are selfish, unpleasant specimens.

Slinkyminky22 · 21/03/2025 23:42

My DH does this. I hate it and have brought it up. The kids have started noticing. "I'm a fast walker" is always the answer...

Dreamskies · 21/03/2025 23:43

And you’ve just put up with this for 17 years? 🫤

My DP is a very fast walker, even though I’m pretty fast myself, but he still walks with me. On the odd occasion he loses himself and goes on ahead, I don’t bust a gut to catch him up. He can either realise and wait, or lose me. If I were you I’d just have done my own thing and gone in the shop I wanted to go in, or let him disappear off ahead and do what he wants, ignorant git.

Enough4me · 21/03/2025 23:44

I'd stop walk back to the entrance and ask them to call me a taxi, go in for a drink while waiting, put it on the joint card. If he complains I'd say, "oh you were in a rush?!". I wouldn't argue, nag, cry...I'd save my breath and find ways to make him slow down. In the day I'd walk into a shop, "oh didn't you spot me?"

DrummingMousWife · 21/03/2025 23:45

Stop rushing to catch up and just do your own thing. Stop when you like, go and get a coffee, when he asks where you are and where have you been, tell him he would know if he wasn’t a mile in front.
take back the control on this. He is treating you like a dog on a lead.

caffelattetogo · 21/03/2025 23:46

On the rare occasions DH did this, I’d duck into somewhere and he’d have to waste time finding me. He learnt quickly to be more considerate.

PussInBin20 · 21/03/2025 23:48

YANBU but why have you put up with this for 17 yrs???

LilacPony · 21/03/2025 23:52

After 17 years I would honestly stop trying to keep up. Stop rushing and do your pace. Give yourself a break from this.
Someone in my family is similar, they can’t just walk, they have to walk with an aim and a purpose and march to it. They just can’t compute doing it any other way.

28Fluctuations · 21/03/2025 23:59

I cannot understand why you are scurrying after the twat. Let him go. Do your own thing at your own pace. Let him lose you - you'll be happier for it.

Original poster
Angelofmycoins · 22/03/2025 00:04

Well he will have the tickets generally - eg tonight he had train tickets and theatre booking on his phone.
He likes to cut things fine and so he is often late and in a rush.

I just need to be organised and talk with him before he go out that I need my own tickets etc and I'll make my own way in good time and meet him there. But there's normally not time to have any chat as he crams so much in.....

OP posts:
BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner · 22/03/2025 00:09

Are you also married to my DH?

I could have written your post.

My DH does this (he also has lots of other 🤨 social behaviours) he's undiagnosed Asperger's (I'm 99.9% sure of that ) no point pursuing or pushing for a diagnosis.

I would go into more detail, but I'm really sleepy right now.

Does your DH have any other unusual social practices?

Ps please save it if anyone jumps on me about passing off rude or abusive behaviour as autism. I know my husband.

stillwaitingtobepaid · 22/03/2025 00:15

My husband is a mountain climber,very fit and a few years older than me . I am a slow walker after falling over a few years ago,he is actually quite good at walking at my pace.

EmeraldRoulette · 22/03/2025 00:16

@Angelofmycoins "I just need to be organised and talk with him before he go out that I need my own tickets etc and I'll make my own way in good time and meet him there"

better still, book your own tickets. Preferably one that gets you out.

this is truly appalling. I occasionally see couples who are so far apart, I don't realise they're together until the lady invariably tries to sit with them on the bus and is on the verge of tears.

i actually helped a lady get her bag on the bus, only to realise her partner had already boarded. It's always shocking to me when I see this type of thing. You might think that makes me a delicate flower but as a long term single, I just feel so sad that people think they have to put up with this.

beccahamlet · 22/03/2025 00:17

Mine does this too. I find it disappointing.

Tittibits · 22/03/2025 00:20

Mine too. Really pisses me off!

BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner · 22/03/2025 00:20

I'll just add some other practices from my DH, to see if you can relate :

  • when walking , kind of stomps/struts, unintentionally heavy handed with closing doors, so they'll push shut or open really hard
  • everything is time critical, so storming or walking ahead to arrive exactly on time for say a show (even though we're often pushing it for time because of him!) will be more important to him than mine or the children's safety. So he'll weave into traffic to rush off without thinking "my kids and wife are behind me"
-he will let doors close on me and the kids (and carry on talking about whatever he's talking about - totally oblivious
  • he'll go outside and start gardening or something if family pop over (both his and mine) and not understand it's rude
  • if there was one seat left on a packed train and us 4 got on - he'd take the seat. Then carry on talking about something, totally oblivious to the poor social etiquette.

That's for starters (I could write you a book)

  • yes I could bury him under my patio and add extra cement over top just to make sure he's permanently under
  • yes he's got many redeeming features including being a great dad on many levels
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/03/2025 00:24

Don’t follow him. Miss the theatre and catch the next damn train if you have to. Just do it and see how he reacts. I would not be putting up with this. As long as you keep scurrying along after him like an obedient little wifey he’ll keep doing it. Do something to make it clear you are not going to tolerate it. Let him arrive at the theatre without you and have to make the decision to watch the performance by himself or try to find you. You get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Put your foot down for goodness sake.

EmeraldRoulette · 22/03/2025 00:28

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/03/2025 00:24

Don’t follow him. Miss the theatre and catch the next damn train if you have to. Just do it and see how he reacts. I would not be putting up with this. As long as you keep scurrying along after him like an obedient little wifey he’ll keep doing it. Do something to make it clear you are not going to tolerate it. Let him arrive at the theatre without you and have to make the decision to watch the performance by himself or try to find you. You get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Put your foot down for goodness sake.

I bet my last piece of chocolate that

a) he won't care
b) he'll shout at OP later for the hell of it.

note how OP says he described her as always being unreasonable.

Original poster
Angelofmycoins · 22/03/2025 00:31

EmeraldRoulette · 22/03/2025 00:28

I bet my last piece of chocolate that

a) he won't care
b) he'll shout at OP later for the hell of it.

note how OP says he described her as always being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Exactly. He'd watch the show without me and then be angry if I had bought another train ticket.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/03/2025 00:32

EmeraldRoulette · 22/03/2025 00:28

I bet my last piece of chocolate that

a) he won't care
b) he'll shout at OP later for the hell of it.

note how OP says he described her as always being unreasonable.

Show quote history

I expect your right. I can’t imagine putting up with 17 years of being treated like that. I might have given him a second chance after the first time he did it if he was suitably apologetic, but he’d have been shown the door if it continued. What a prick!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/03/2025 00:33

Angelofmycoins · 22/03/2025 00:31

Exactly. He'd watch the show without me and then be angry if I had bought another train ticket.

Show quote history

So let him be angry. Next time by the tickets yourself. Refuse to go with him if he’s going to get angry. Why are you putting up with this?

ChaosDream · 22/03/2025 00:42

My ExH used to do this. Eventually he admitted he didn’t want to be seen with me as I was “fat and unattractive”. Twat. One of many reasons why he is now ExH

GinintheBin · 22/03/2025 00:49

My ex did this. It was a power thing.