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Original poster

DH walking ahead

294 replies

Angelofmycoins · 21/03/2025 23:33

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

OP posts:
ohforfoxs · 22/03/2025 06:21

I fear the walking ahead is just one issue in a whole long list of serious issues. One being you don't earn money - but do you have access the money he earns?

My XH used to do this (also wouldn't share money, controlling, sabotaged plans etc.) so your post has set alarm bells off for me.

From my own experience there is a lot of support on MN if you need it.

morethanspice · 22/03/2025 06:28

Narcissistic men do this. Mine did it and also did things like say he’d be in a certain shop and meet me later and then just not go to where we had agreed. So I’d be left waiting. Or when he went out of a hotel early without saying and I was stuck in the room with no car keys or room key and him uncontactable. It’s a horrible power /control thing. It can’t be fixed.

Cakeandusername · 22/03/2025 06:28

There was a very similar thread maybe a year ago. Not sure if anyone can find it and link.
Again longstanding problem with husband of many years and her accused of dawdling when she walked at normal pace.
Her final straw was seeing Grand Canyon on a family holiday she’d planned he marched ahead.
I think her solution was just to do her own thing.

Henry8thHoover · 22/03/2025 06:28

My husband does this but strangely only when we go shopping. He’s in Lidl before I’ve even got the bags for life out of the boot.

Cognacsoft · 22/03/2025 06:33

My dh is generally considerate and I am a fast walker. However if he does get too far ahead I slow down and he will come back to find me.

@Angelofmycoins you need a job, your dh isn’t going to change.

autisticbookworm · 22/03/2025 06:36

My dh walks significantly faster than me so always goes ahead. I’m not jogging behind him!!

I walk at my pace, if he wants to go ahead fine but I will pop into a shop/grab a coffee etc . I just text him. If we we going somewhere that needs tickets he either waits for me or doubles back on himself.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 22/03/2025 06:41

My dad used to do this to us all in the 80s. He didn’t want to be seen with us was the reason.

Pumpkincozynights · 22/03/2025 06:45

Insist he sends you your tickets so you have them on your phone.
If you are not in a hurry to get anywhere, go into a shop and look around, don’t run after him.
I had an ex who would disappear into shops. At first I used to look frantically for him. Then one day I told him to stop doing it. To have the manners to tell me where he would be otherwise I would just walk on and leave .

heartsinvisiblefury · 22/03/2025 06:50

Mine does this. Hate it.

DeepRoseFish · 22/03/2025 06:52

This is classic narcissism

Savyonblanket · 22/03/2025 07:03

I am physically disabled and can walk but am often slow.

occasionally my husband would walk off at a fast speed and I felt like a toddler trying to keep up with him. I hated being behind trying to keep up as it made me feel so insignificant.

I sat him down and told him how it made me feel and reminded him that due to my disability I can’t keep up and don’t want to feel lesser and behind when I can’t go any faster.

he just genuinely didn’t realise he was doing this - in my case - there was no malice - he was just was striding out purposefully towards our destination totally forgetting that I couldn’t go as fast (variable condition so good days and bad days affect my speed too)

now we either always hold hands which helps my pace and stability and means I can set the speed and chat alongside him or on days when I’m needing both hands for my walking aids - he remembers to walk next to me and never leaves me behind.

he really took to heart what I said because he is a good man and it was a genuine oversight as he hadn’t thought through how it feels to be disabled and unable to keep up.

try to talk to him and if it is because he is a last minute person - I’d stress to him that you would prefer to leave more time to get to places as rushing is stressing you out, as is being left behind in walks.

i really hope he will be reasonable about it when you speak to him.

AltitudeCheck · 22/03/2025 07:05

My dad and my partner both do this. I think in both their cases it is due to lack of awareness of other people/ social norms.... they are just doing their thing. So I just do mine... I do make sure I have my ticket/ key etc though as me and a group of friends once got locked out of our accommodation overnight in Bilbao after OH walked on ahead to catch the last train and got locked in the metro station on his own when it closed with no mobile signal until 6am!

CautiousLurker01 · 22/03/2025 07:07

Angelofmycoins · 22/03/2025 00:31

Exactly. He'd watch the show without me and then be angry if I had bought another train ticket.

Show quote history

Then what you are telling us is that you are actually in a coercive controlling and thus abusive relationship of which the walking ahead is just one symptom? I’d be planning to leave after 17 years. I’d also in the interim, be taking charge of the tickets or simply not going out with him any more.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 22/03/2025 07:23

caffelattetogo · 21/03/2025 23:46

On the rare occasions DH did this, I’d duck into somewhere and he’d have to waste time finding me. He learnt quickly to be more considerate.

I've done this too 🤣 Wind-up merchant is part of my core personality.

Embankments · 22/03/2025 07:28

Just let him get lost and stop trying to keep up with him. I would intentionally lose him if he started doing that to me Grin

arcticpandas · 22/03/2025 07:31

My DH does this as well. What's wrong with them? Every time he does it I take another path so that he'll lose time finding me. Passive agressive but oh how satisfying. For some time he will remember not to walk ahead until he doesn't and then I'll do it again.

namechangedtemporarily123 · 22/03/2025 07:32

ExH did this. He just didn’t care and probably liked me scurrying after him, often I was encumbered by children, so couldn’t just pick up the pace. I discussed it with him so many times but it made no difference. DP never does this, even though his walking pace on his own is much faster.

sunights · 22/03/2025 07:33

OP before I knew I was autistic I was like your DH, and it caused my own DP a lot of distress.

In those days we ended up agreeing to travel separately and meet at a venue (my choice) each with our own tickets etc.

This really helped me in that I could start to see how stressful and anxious I found travelling to places and find ways of doing things that worked for me.

Things are generally better now in that 1. I go out a lot less or go to things solo as I've found this is how I like to do things and 2. When we do something together e.g. a holiday I have more sense of timing and pace as I'm not drained from previous joint excursions.

For context I do like my DP, I just need to travel at a very different rate and pace to him.

sweetpickle2 · 22/03/2025 07:35

Do you have access to family money OP?

I don’t think him walking ahead is your biggest issue.

Unrelated38 · 22/03/2025 07:38

Don't ask him to go in a coffee shop. Just go in and get a coffee. At some point he'll notice you're not following him.

Start just walking separately to him. Go somewhere else. I imagine ove rhe 17 years you've mentioned it and it's not done anything. So just start fucking about with him. Make it a funny game for yourself.

Now either he'll stop. Or, if he's doing it deliberately to put you in your place he'll become nasty, and you will have the clarity that you are not unreasonable, he is abusive, and you can leave and be free to find someone who likes you.

NotTerfNorCis · 22/03/2025 07:39

My OH does this. Not all the time though - seems to be more when we're on holiday or in some unfamiliar place. I don't think he's consciously doing it, but he's determined to take the lead. I've had the same experience as you of catching up and determinedly holding pace, only for him to suddenly swerve off, for example cross the road, so he can take the lead again. It is grating.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2025 07:40

ChaosDream · 22/03/2025 00:42

My ExH used to do this. Eventually he admitted he didn’t want to be seen with me as I was “fat and unattractive”. Twat. One of many reasons why he is now ExH

Jeez that’s awful but you know he just said that to hurt you and he’s the ugly one inside.

OP my lovely-in-every-other way DP occasionally does this. I remind him we are not on a forced march and so he stops.

Chemenger · 22/03/2025 07:42

Mine does this, so does his father. I either just go at my own pace or sometimes it’s quite fun to catch up so that he has to walk faster and faster to keep ahead. Airports are the worst, he is obsessed with getting through airports quickly.

Chemenger · 22/03/2025 07:43

We were on a walking tour a couple of days ago (we’re on holiday) the guide had to point out to him that only she knew the way through the tiny city centre streets and that it would be better if she led.

faerietales · 22/03/2025 07:51

He’s treating you like a dog.

It honestly shocks me that you’ve tolerated this behaviour for 17 years. He wouldn’t have even got a second date off me.