DH walking ahead

[Angelofmycoins]

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

i would dump a guy if he did this to me after a few weeks / months of dating (happened 3/4 times with different guys)

i think its very disrespectful
all these men are partnered now and cheat / treat their wives terribly

so… this walking ahead is the doorkey to the roomful of problems?
we have just spent time and energy and emotional input on a similar
thread of husband’ peculiar eating predilections and look how that developed !
to OW, divorce, liberation

So glad to see this as it's usually taboo on MN to even vaguely suggest ND as the cause of male behaviour. You'll have the MN autism gatekeepers jumping at your throat for even daring to imply ASD as the reason, as opposed to all men just being cruel, shit and useless by default.

Same in my experience, DH does this very often and I'm also 100% convinced it's due to being on the spectrum. He's very high functioning and high masking but has "quirks" that give it away. Walking ahead is a typical one because he struggles with thinking in multiple steps especially if it involves social & emotional factors.

The logical sequence of thought is: "My wife is behind me and therefore I must walk slower. Walking next to a person is a sign of mutual respect. Showing this respect is an important part of keeping our relationship alive. I have to push past my own sensory or emotional issues to prioritise the reasons for walking slower next to someone."

To an ASD person the thought is literally: "I am walking because I need to get to a destination." or sometimes "I am in a hurry and therefore I want to walk faster to get there."

It's really not that complex. It's annoying AF sometimes and he cannot regulate the behaviour because on a certain level it doesn't make sense. In literal thinking logic, why must he be forced to walk slower or next to someone all the time when walking is simply a functional act of getting from A to B? He needs to learn that walking next to someone is a sign of respect or love, but there is no logical connection between the two. It's just one more unwritten social rule that NDs have to follow in order to not inadvertently offend someone.

Obviously, this is not the case for every ND person and many are fully able to walk slower. But I feel every ND individual has their own "spiky profile" of social things that they can fulfil and a maximum quota of how many social rules they can follow. Once they reach their maximum, they physically cannot continue masking in every single area of their life. Some manage to mask almost 100% in their work life due to the reward of money and workplace pressure, however they slip up when in private and that's when their wives and kids get the brunt of "shitty" behaviour.

This is a classic narcissistic trait. You don't mean that much to him. Sorry.

I want you to know they're staring at you to make sure you're OK - they're not judging you, they're judging him and keeping an eye on you because they're concerned - I guarantee it.

I'm a short arse and always seemed to have dated extremely tall men with long, long strides I would have to run to keep up with them if they didn't adapt their pace. Apart from the odd occasion when I have suggested they go ahead for a specific reason they have always managed to slow for me despite being fast walkers. He is a rude twat and I would let him go ahead, and just do my own thing.

my dad the same - head up, oblivious to anyone else - we’ve seen pedestrians leap off the narrow pavements to avoid him, he was a menace
he was also controlling I have to say, especially with finances, I remember the rows
of him at 65 retirement wanting to move money into a long term savings account for example.

I also recall a mini fight at the pavements edge with a break in traffic, mum cautious and waiting, dad put his hand on her back, shoved her gently, saying come on now -
mum was shouting- we were shocked - don’t think he ever did it again.

Some men have a hard time ‘allowing’ wives agency, the controlling and insecure.
Women are meant to be emancipated, however recognising coercion, control and abuse requires a willing pupil.

I think these men just think they are right all the time, faster, more time economical, just know how to live life better than everyone, and are showing you this by being faster and in charge.

Its like this race to the destination is a vain glorious display of being better able to navigate the world and use all of their time to full potential. Your struggle to follow them shows up your weakness and their superiority.

OP - do you enjoy the outings?

OP - try to build financial independence so that you can liberate yourself from his oppression.

I was talking to a 90+ year old family friend whose husband is a similar age. She was telling me, completely without rancour, about a fall she had had where a van driver had been very kind.

She and her husband (whom I have always considered a bit of a misogynist, and so did my late mother) were walking to the GP surgery and he was walking ahead like he usually does. He never looks back and is very deaf, so he didn't hear her fall and of course he wouldn't bother looking behind to check on her.

So she did fall and couldn't get up, husband walked into the surgery completely oblivious. A van driver stopped his van, got out, checked if she was Ok and helped her up, asked where she was going and helped her there. All this happened and her so-called devoted husband had no idea. This is the spin I put on it - she was just laughing because he was so shocked when she came in with a strange man.

OK sorry for the anecdote, but OP, please do or say something, or this might well be happening until you are very old indeed.

even if it is as you suggest, posts like these give us all an opportunity to air our (emancipated!) views so we benefit from the discussion

although its always dismaying when we collectively put in the effort only for the OP
to drift away or the thread removed 😐

@Angelofmycoins why dont you take your tickets and leave the house at the time you think is appropriate? he is never ready to leave at the correct time so he can run to catch you up! get a job so you dont have to rely in him for pocket money!!

Have you got your own pension provision? Access to a joint account? Are you married?

This sounds a bit close to home 🙁

You've been scurrying after him for 17 years? Personally I'd stop, tell him you're done and not go out with him. It does seem as if he's ashamed to be seen with you. That might be something you need to address.

This is disgraceful. The amount of posters putting up with this shit! My dh is nearly a foot taller than me and he doesn’t speed off. Just like I don’t speed off when I walk with a toddler or my mum - it’s basic respect and human decency. I’m so angry that so many women are putting up with this because he might be anxious or have asd - a life running behind because of might bes and maybes.

op I’m assuming if you’re regular theatre goers you aren’t skint which means there must be money for retraining and childcare for you to get your own income so you can be independent of this horror.

Stop trying to keep up. Looks like he needs to bear the cost of a few missed train tickets / show bookings to learn his lesson.

my sister would take Dad shopping in Waitrose car park he would direct her to a space as though she was a learner then he had his seatbelt undone and opening the car door before she even stopped the car, he would slam the car door hard then march off, self important, a 70+ year old man with behavioural problems he’d had all his life despite entreaties from mum who he wore out so died to get away from - another thing they do is stand in doorways to block your exit, asking you inane questions or if you get up to leave the room - now you will notice it

I was in a date once and the guy did this. I just stopped, stood still to see if he noticed. I never saw him again, that evening or ever again. It was so rude.
Just do the same, of go home. Or do whatever you fancy.

Have you ever asked him to stop?

I apologise if this seems really obvious, but there are countless MN posts where direct communication doesn’t seem to have occurred to the OP.

Coercive control.

I stoopidly went on a few dates with an mysogynistic Trump loving incel addict a few years ago. He was off the road for drink driving. I brought him to Tesco and waited outside while he did some shopping. The angles of the parking lot are misalligned with the entrance, it's easy to get mildly disoriented when returning to the car park.

I saw him, panicking in the car park, searching for my car. He had loads of heavy shopping and no way home. So I beeped and called him.

He was convinced I had re parked in order to play a trick on him. Teach him a lesson.

I dropped him home, 30 minute drive, I could see him reassesing the parking situation in his head, he was convinced I was lying I had tricked him. He got shitty with me, and dumped me.

Why do sensible women put up with this sh1t?

OP your husband is a bully. Get therapy.

DH is similar, he will look back but is always ahead, early on he tried to slow down to my place but gave up because he said it hurts his knees to walk so slow????

it is bloody minded! deliberate and demeaning and if he is not consciously doing it then he/they need consciousness raising therapy and to eat before they leave the house

Years ago I had a supposedly besotted man do this to me in a strange, busy town centre, strode ahead, I had no clue where the car was parked, where I was, had no bearings, was tearful, had a panic attack, leaned against a wall, attrcted passer by attention, suddenly he was in front of me, hands in pockets, looking amused.
He referred to it as my not bring able to keep up while trotting behind him
I drove home that afternoon and didn’t see him for weeks, if only I had extended the separation, if ony I had realised the game, if only I had the wisdom of Mumsnet

Yes i always try and ask him. Sometimes have to shout ahead to him.
Then I'm 'being difficult '.

Apparently, he just told me last night the kids couldn't believe how i was being. I was literally trying to get him to stop.

Ffs

With everything you've said - and particularly drawing your children in on it - there are red flags.

Are you having therapy on your own? Or together?

Do you know why you tolerate this?