DH walking ahead

[Angelofmycoins]

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

It sounds as though he doesn’t really like you very much. He certainly doesn’t respect you.

I would have just turned and gone back home. Actually I wouldn’t, because I would have left this wanker years ago.

I hope you find the strength to leave this horrible man.

All I’m going to say is that you deserve better! My wonderful DGF was the epitomy of a true gent - even in his nineties he’d insist on walking on the outside of the pavement if I was with him. Find someone better!

I had a friend like this. One day, enough was enough. So I stopped, watched her disappear into the crowd, then crossed the road, hopped on a bus and went home.

The friendship fizzled out after that.

OP - just stop facilitating it. Either don't go with him in the first place, or go knowing you will both do your own thing once you get there. You can't control his behaviour, but you can control your response.

This sounds far more of an issue.....

This is always the sign of a massive twat, at the very least. Makes me so sad when I see it. @AngelofmycoinsI hope you are ok. If, as people suspect, this is the tip of the iceberg, please make plans to get some help and your own income.

Over 20 years ago my now DH did this on our first date, I remember because I stopped abruptly and asked what he was doing and why he was expecting me to trail behind him like some sort of subservient woman. He apologised and never did it again.

Dh had a tendency to do this. He genuinely is a fast walker and always looked back. After a while I got tired of it and started telling him. Slow down. Or I took his arm and made him slow down. It worked now he rarely storms ahead. Dd1 however I still can't make stop at age 27...

This all sounds horrid. An evening out to the theatre should be fun from the start not a mad rush with one person miles ahead. You are not even rushing together. He's just abandoned you. My BIL and SIL are like this. He had an affair years ago. It ended and they got back together ( for convenience more than love) . They have spent the last 24 years sucking the joy out of each others lives .He is always miles ahead. She fell and broke her ankle ( osteoporosis ) on a group walk and he had no idea because he was miles ahead.
My exhusband and I went to Center Parcs when the children were small. We had a pushchair each. Everytime I caught up with him he deliberately walked faster to get back in front. He was much taller than me and , in the end, I just gave up and walked behind . He also got up and moved if I sat next to him. It was the last holiday we ever had. He was having an affair with someone from work . He had checked out of our life . Does your husband actually like you Op.

Please get a job, OP. And then, start to make plans to leave. Happiness awaits you, once you get rid of this vile man. And I agree with the others, I don't think he likes you very much.

I get your frustration 😔

My DH is the most frustrating man I've met ! There's many , many more examples I could give you but I'd dominate the thread and end up making it my own ! But he literally is completely oblivious to basic social norms. I'll admit to an outsider many of behaviours would be considered "abusive/controlling" and sometimes there is a questionable overlap, but it's plainly absolutely obvious that he literally lacks awareness.

There are great points to him: strong morals, loyal to a fault, 'captain sensible ' (our mortgage was paid off at a very young age ) he'll never come home steaming drunk, he'll never gamble, there'll never be an "affair" etc etc. he's extremely reliable.

Anyway, I digress. Your father certainly ticks a few Asperger's boxes, sounds like he likely has it. The only thing Is, pursuing a diagnosis now is futile to be honest. Sometimes I'd love my DH to officially have a diagnosis, but it'd be more for my benefit than his. Unfortunately, when he would have benefited from it would have been his formative years and the horse has bolted. (I strongly suspect both his brother and mother have it also so there'd have been a lack of awareness that he was 'different')

I do this as I’m a much faster walker than DH. It’s not intentional

Seems like he's back in Victorian times where the man was always walking six feet ahead. In future I would just walk at your normal pace. Stop when you want to stop. He might just realise you aren't with him then. He sounds horrible tbh

So do you have access to the money that he earns? If not you’ve got far bigger problems than just him walking too fast.

My ex used to to do this. He is over a foot taller than me and said that it “hurt his legs” to slow his pace to match mine. I’ll never forget having to run, while pregnant on holiday in Lisbon, with a heart murmur , up a steep hill to keep up with him.
It’s not the main reason why he became an ex, but it made the list!
There can be all sorts of nuanced reasons around why someone would do this (a dominance/ control thing, an ingrained amygdala response to stress) or it could be, as I eventually decided, simply down to him being a selfish prick sometimes. 😂😆

Oh. I bet this man is a cunt across the board.

Do you have access to any money?!

My DH used to do this, and he isn't a narcissist, though it may be some latent unconscious misogyny. I spoke with him about it. He also said he was a fast walker. I asked him why then did he not do this with anyone else but me. Then I made sure to always have my own key, ticket, money, etc., and once he knew I was doing that because I was stopping playing keep up, he realised his mistake.

This is the first thing you should be changing.

While I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!).

I suspect in this case "being unreasonable" may be code for having your own views, preferences, opinions and desires and not immediately dropping them and apologising when it becomes evident that they differ from his.

Hold his hand. Walk beside him. Moderate your pace and chat. One day he won't be there. Stop rushing. The generally unimportant destination you are rushing to will still be there if it takes you 5 extra minutes to reach it.
I had a friend who walked at a million miles an hour. We used to meet for coffee and a mooch.You can't chat and mooch when one of you is out of breath. I gave it one more chance and walked at my pace to see what she would do. Off she belted. Apparently her mother always walked incredibly fast everywhere. I haven't seen her since. It was a pleasant experience and , at 60, I'm cutting unpleasant experiences out og my life. Maybe you should do the same Op

Wasn't a pleasant experience

My husband maintains a three pace gap ahead of me. He doesn't do any of the other things you describe.

He claims it's because he has longer legs than me, but my argument against that is that if thats the reason, then the gap between us would lengthen. But it stays the same.

He also says it's because in his head he's marching to a military beat (ex Royal Navy), but I still don't accept that, as the gap remains constant.

I've given up trying to get him to walk beside me. I do often just "hide" from him, and then act surprised when he has to retrace his steps to find me.

Interesting to read on the thread how many others experience this gapping

I have an ex who used to do this. Some years after we had split I saw him walking down the road with a woman who was clearly his partner. As I watched he suddenly zoomed across the road with no warning, leaving her waiting for a gap in the traffic to follow, and he never looked back. I bet he's still doing it now, the nob.

I'd not be putting up with this. Make him send you any on-line tickets for trains/theatres etc so there's always a back up copy. Good practice anyway in case of poor signals and dying phones.

Tell him again that you find his behaviour difficult.
Make your own way to events. I hate rushing and like to be early for things, just by 10minutes will do. Honestly, insist. He's behaving as if he's in charge, whether he is or not is up to you.

Mine does this but will wait at intervals. The problem is, when he sees me he doesn’t wait, just starts walking again. He says it’s because I’m slow.

On the walking issue alone, my dh walks exactly 2 paces ahead of me and speeds up if I speed up. I have some sympathy because our walking paces are different. He does look back though, and I noticed one time recently he walked one pace behind me, so I think he's aware and trying to change it. I do just try to go my own pace now and I know that he'll wait.
A partner doesn't go on to a show without the person they are with, OP. There may indeed be some things you do that he finds annoying, we are all human, but he is choosing to be in a relationship with you and you are worthy of respect and agency.