DH walking ahead

[Angelofmycoins]

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

Why you are with him? He clearly doesn’t like you.

This is SO rude! My other half is a mile taller than me and if we walked at his pace, my legs would be doing 3 steps to every one of his! He is naturally speedy and has never once zoomed off as you are describing. He walks at my pace and encourages me to tell him if he goes too fast!

I'd tell your husband to do one! Don't spend your life running along after him. It's a good idea to get your own tickets etc before you go anywhere and tell him you will see him there. If he wants to rush about, leave him to it. Don't let him spoil the outings for you.

My DH has always made sure I walk ahead of him (if there isn"t enough room on a path), especially if we are on holiday so he can keep an eye on me, I also do this with my DC. Surely it's a protective thing. Your DH is an twat, but unlikely to change in 17 years. Stop trying to catch up to him, he can wait for you.

Like a Saudi man with his wife scurrying behind waiting to see when he decides to stop, what he decides to do, what he might want to look at. Fuck that.

My husband does this because we have different paces, i have no issues

I don't earn any money

Am interested in this as my dad does the above. He also has little concept of social niceties - once a small child grabbed his leg and he just kept walking...looked down then tried to shake them off but didn't say a word. He sulks a lot, no interest in cooking but eats lots - ready meals, hugely untidy, piles of coins in random places, doodles and numbers on sheets of paper everywhere, things that shouldn't be in cupboards in rooms - kitchen isn't used for pots and pans but boots and ironing board always up etc. A couple of people have suggested Aspergers when they've met him. I've had to give up trying to look after him for my own sanity tbh.

Do you have access to money ?
if not , that’s another thread and a massive problem.

Ok. But you have equal access to the family money. Right??

You need to set up a whats app group where he automatically posts tickets and any organising. Leave home in good time and tell him to catch you up as you’ll take your time.

Exh is a total narcissist and used to do this all the time, such was his confidence that I would be scurrying along behind. As @GinintheBin said, was all about power and control.

My ex used to do this. Even at the time I saw it as a control thing. But I wasn’t brave enough to do anything. Please don’t be me. The other thing he used to do was leave a shop without telling me and not wait for me where i could see him. I think he would actively hide/ disappear so I’d spend time looking for him and then be really unpleasant when he eventually did appear. He liked the power of me looking for him. Utter twat.

Is he rude to everyone or only you (or other people whose status he considers inferior....)

I agree with all the posters who suggested this approach.

If you bring it up, it sounds like he will just tell you you're unreasonable anyway!

Well that can be remedied and until it is, once you're single benefits are a thing.

If you're only with him for financial reasons then start looking at the practicalities of being single and working towards that.

You can make an appointment at citizens advice bureau for help with claiming, you can check out entitled-to website to give you an idea of how much you'd get, you can Google the Local Housing Allowance for your area. All this would give you an idea of where you can afford to rent (probably as a lodger in someone's home, since landlords aren't keen on issuing tenancies to people on benefits, check out spare-room.com). You can also start looking for a job right now and you might find one before you move out.

If you mean you have no access to "his" money (it's not his, it's both of yours money if you're both agreed on you not working or if he won't let you work), then that's financial abuse and you can contact women's aid or similar charity for help and advice about making a plan to leave.

So, because you don't earn any money yourself you have felt compelled to put up with your partner's disrespectful behaviour.

That explains him having sole control of theatre abd train tickets. I imagine that he has sole control of all the bills etc, and savings accounts if any.

What would you do finacially if he ever left you? Please don't become one of the many women on here who are left destitute because the partner ensured that they had no financial control of anything.

As others are saying, the walking ahead is a sign of either ebarrassment to be seen with you or indifference to your feelings and welfare, knowing you will trot along behind because he has all the cards, literally!

It's time to woman up and take back control of your life and get financial and emotional control back. You deserve better OP and only you can decide to find it.

I’m going to bet you are nowhere near as unreasonable as either he or you think.

My ex used to do this, I don't think it was deliberate but unthinking in his case. He just assumed I could/should keep up and no matter how many times i asked him to slow down he would end up speeding up again eventually. My DD now does it and in her case I also think she just doesn't think about how it affects people. She also just walks off in crowded public places without saying a word. She's 13 so fairly independent but I still need to keep half an eye on her but she just disappears.

Tell him seriously and in no uncertain terms that you find it rude and unacceptable and he needs to remember you both love in the UK where it is expected a man and woman walk side by side, not the middle east where you would be expected to trail behind!

Are you being financially abused OP? If so that is the main issue. Is he abusive in other ways?

I always remember dh saying he found this so sad with his parents, and he saw a lady struggling once as the man walked ahead and said how awful it was. As our marriage got on (I act like we’re old but are mid 40s), he did the same. Weirdly it’s one thing I can’t bring myself to say- you said your dad did this to your mum, because it makes me feel like I’d sound a bit needy or pathetic (doesn’t really matter anyway, our marriage isn’t great now)

It's a huge narscasistic trait, please Google it there's so much advice online about it

My dad with Asperger’s does this

Ps I personally don’t think it’s that they think so little of women, I think it’s just a selfish’gotta get to where I’m going’ thing

On the occasion my dog does this, I hide until she realises and has to waste time looking for me.

She's learning quite fast.