DH walking ahead

[Angelofmycoins]

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

I imagine he paid for them because he controls the money.

How much is your allowance and what do you need to buy with it? There was a previous thread where the OP had an allowance but she had to pay for everything for the children leaving her with no money for herself at all. She was walking round in shoes with holes in while her DH was buying himself luxury cars.

How old are your children? Do you want to stay in the marriage or do your think that you can't afford to leave?

What are you hope to get from this thread, OP?

If it's confirmation that your partner is behaving badly, I think you got it.

I felt incensed on your behalf and the fact that you have tolerated his behaviour.

I hope this thread might be the first step to your new life.
It is very unlikely that he will stop this behaviour. It reads like a control thing and your updates make it sound like this is symptomatic of your relationship.
The only thing you are able to change in your set up is your own actions and behaviour. You have had lots of great advice, so I encourage you to re-read this thread and look for approaches that can help in your situation rather than reasons why you couldn't possibly change.
You can and you owe it you yourself to try.

Initially I started it to show yo dh but he thinks mnetters are all loppy, so there's little point

He’s lost interest in you. Doesn’t sound like you’re going to be that elderly couple walking down the street holding hands, does it? Because that’s where the bar is for me.

You said it yourself, OP.

He is not going to change. This behaviour worked well for him for 16 years. You have asked him to change, he ignored you.
You did your own thing, so he yelled at you until you fell back in line.
If you are going to show him 12+ pages of posters backing you up, he will dismiss that as a bunch of loopy harpies.
He is not going to change.
The best advice I ever got from Mumsnet (and the real world for that matter) is this: You cannot change someone's behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it.

He enjoys having his little woman scurrying behind him. Again, why would he change?

You need to ask yourself, whether your relationship works for you or if you should walk away. Work out what your best outcome is and star changing your situation to achieve that. He will continue the behaviour, because it gives him what he wants.

Ah yes, we’re all loopy and he’s the only one making sense. Unsurprising reaction from him. Loads of women are wrong and the one man is definitely right. It really doesn’t matter what he thinks at this point, what do you think?

He just doesn’t like you or care about your feelings so r have any respect for you!
its the only explanation, if you have talked to him about it and he ignores you

Are you joking? Maybe he does it because he has lost all respect for you.

Have some boundaries and let him disappear off. Maybe for good.

Well, out tonight and I've left in good time, with tickets and on my way. Alone, which is quite shit . Guess I'll see him in the seat when he bowls in with seconds to spare.
.

Why on earth are you still with him?

So you're going out tonight to the same place, and you've left early without your dh and will meet him in the seats there???

Is that right??

If so, that's beyond weird!

Well this is a step in the right direction. Well done!

Have you actually read any of this thread...?

Yes I have, I read it from the beginning when it was first posted! I've also posted on it before today so have you read the whole thread?

Put your snark away, love!

My comment still stands though, the best solution to be found was leaving at different times to go to the same place is weird, if that is what is actually happening!

It’s very easy to watch from the outside and judge. The OP is stuck in a marriage with a very controlling man. This is a first step in asserting herself. Maybe he’ll see sense and become more reasonable, maybe he’ll double down and she’ll start finding the courage to leave. Either way, it’s a first step and should be celebrated.

I get that, but the snark of "have you actually read the thread" pisses me off when I've have done so, who christened themselves the thread police? And if they are going to police a thread, read it thoroughly, I have commented before and have been reading it as the op updates. Anyway, let's not get off topic!

Yes it's great the op is finding courage but I still find it strange that in a marriage, a couple are leaving the house at different times to arrive at the same place to spend the evening together.

This man has zero respect for you, or women in general it seems (all MNers are “loopy” aren’t they? Their majority female opinion should not matter to him.) and he doesn’t seem to even like you that much.

He’s mean. He won’t even listen that he’s being mean or give a fuck about you being sad because of his behaviour. Why are you settling for this?

What's the reason you can't leave him? You CAN. And you'll be setting a much better example to your poor kids (and their future partners!) than the pair of you are now.