Adult (20) Stepdaughter Won’t Wash Her Dishes

[Flowerchild1]

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

Stop making and bringing her food for starters.

Personally I would move out though, you don't have to break up, but living separately while she is still there, not working or contributing, would be a good idea.

Paper plates.

What do you mean, you can't tell a 20 years old to wash her dishes? That's nuts.

If your partner won't let you tell her then make it clear it's his responsibility to clean up after her and cook for her!

Stop cooking for her. If her father wants her to be pandered to, let him do it.

Presumably the product of never having done this ever as a child or teen because you didn’t encourage / enforce it

Unfortunately OP this is the product of poor parenting as a 20 year old doesn’t just become like this overnight and be so disrespectful to her step mother or indeed anyone

and as for I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?
well you got lucky with your partner didn’t you?!

I was buying and cooking all my own food from aged 14. And doing own washing up obviously.

If you don't feed her she can't produce any dirty dishes.
If she's 20 she needs a job so tell her to get one or she'll need to be given a month's notice to leave. Does she pay rent or board? Is she on benefits? Is she unwell? If she is then try to help her get medical support. But if not she's just a piss taker.

Why's that then?

Is it your house, or joint? If so, ignore your partner and set house rules that apply to everyone in the house, including him.
If it's your partner's house you're living in, and you're not paying rent, you can't say anything. But you can stop cooking for her.

Are you being paid to scurry around waiting on her hand and foot? If not, then I'd stop. If she's not your child I haven't got a scooby what you're doing.

How long have you lived with her for? And whose house is it?

And I'd simply say that I'm not cooking for her if she won't wash her plate. If your DH had a problem with you telling her that, then he can cook.

It’s his house, he pays the rent, and I’ve lived with her for 3 years. If I don’t feed her she will starve.

Has she got disabilities?

We tried setting household rules and she ignored them. We ended yo hiring a cleaning lady. But she comes once a month. In the meantime she rots.

Do you work, OP? As someone upthread said, leave.

A lot of young carers do more and younger. Why are you trying to shame someone for their childhood?

Are you spoon feeding her? Why can't a 20 year old make toast or an omelette or baked potato?

Her dad can batch cook and she can heat it up in the microwave.

Bet she won't starve 🤣. More likely get stuck into Deliveroo or Just Eat. Stop feeding into this nonsense. Stop running round after her and indulging this nonsense. Even my toddlers have started tidying up after themselves, ok they need prompting but it's a start

Unless there are significant disabilities, she won’t starve. She will eventually appear mumbling under her breath, overboil an entire pack of penne, smother it in cheese and disappear again. Yes,she will leave the pan, the cheese grater and assorted utensils but it’s only Day One.
as you say, it is his house, he pays the rent. Therefore you could be out of this within the few minutes it takes to pack a bag.