Adult (20) Stepdaughter Won’t Wash Her Dishes

[Flowerchild1]

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

She sounds severely depressed. Being lazy is one thing, going months and months without doing basic self care and hygiene is another.

And he’s a bad father if all he wants is to ignore what’s going on.

Please try to get a job. I promise it will be better for both you and your son in the long run

Agreed. And it doesn’t sound like stepdaughter’s mum is in the picture.

What's a good idea?

What hit home? You know if you use the quote button, people will be able to see what you're replying to.

Go back to work, and get out of there OP @Flowerchild1

If my words hit home, I'm glad. Not to upset you or cause you pain but to make you really understand, all the way down to your bones, what you have signed up for.

Now it's up to you to either accept that your life now is what it will always be, or to begin to think about and plan for another future. One that may not appear as rosy as this man's 'rose garden'. Just remember that as beautiful as a rose garden is, it's also full of thorns. But if you plant your own garden, you get to choose your own flowers with nary a thorn amongst them.

I wish you good luck with whichever you choose.

She absolutely will not starve. If she is a functioning adult, she can make herself a sandwich or heat something in the microwave. Not only do you have a stepdaughter problem, you have a partner problem too. If you're not allowed to say anything to her, he must. You're not her unpaid skivvy, gather up your self respect and leave, they can rot together.

Let her then 🤷‍♀️. She's 20 ffs.
Stop pandering. And move out - your partner isn't going to make her change so you'll carry on being miserable and frustrated there.

She is lazy. Ask her DF to sort it.

I'm missing tge point, I know, of she's 20, she wouldn't be at school, would she?

Why are you cooking for her? She's not your child. Why doesn't your husband cook for her?

So you're a housekeeper?

With benefits....

Not for the OP by the sounds of it

YABu to accept this BS from your partner. And her.
She's an adult and she lives in your house. Tell her whatever you want. And that should be contribute to the household or get out.

Well yes, she doesn't work, and her son lives there for free too....

They are both using each other in different ways.

I picked yabu because I feel that you are in tolerating this madness and thinking there may be a soft fix. Tell her and her parent to wise up.

Omg please leave him! He sounds awful!

I'm really concerned by your post that his kids are from various women who just dumped these girls on him and left. I can't believe multiple mothers would do that?! And he has basically neglected them. It is neglect, to let a child be completely unable to care for herself. This all screams of something weird going on.

I wouldn't be staying if I were you. But I'm not sure what it is you want out of it.

I think what she wants is to live rent free and with all the bills paid, but without the hassle of looking after the stepdaughter. Which I'm sure would be better for her, but I doubt it will happen.

The relationship with her partner frankly sounds
completely transactional - she does the cooking and cleaning, he pays the rent and bills. They don't seem to care much about each other beyond that. He won't change, so it's up to her to decide what to do.

Yes, this.

If your fiancé is 'very successful', surely he can afford to get a dishwasher?

No she won’t.

You don't work, neither do your step kids and you all depend on this man to financially support you.

You're directing your anger towards the wrong person. You say your step daughter is lazy, it sounds like she has additional needs & possibly be neurodiverse.

You need to get off your arse, get a job, move out and financially support your son. You say your son hustles for a living, he obviously learnt it from somewhere.

You saw a cashcow and are now angry that you have to share him with his children. You wanted his money and resources for yourself & your son, you didn't want to share it with his kids. Now you're trying to find a way to get rid of them.

Rubbish! She won’t starve, she’ll start cooking for herself! Stop being a doormat and question if you want to be part of this dysfunctional family!

I think you should leave and live elsewhere. You can carry on seeing him if you like but you are not his housekeeper or child care