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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult (20) Stepdaughter Won’t Wash Her Dishes

249 replies

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:33

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 21/03/2025 15:21

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 15:18

He will bring her fast food from time to time. But she drives and always has money on her. My fiancé is very successful and makes sure all his kids are taken care of in another sense. I think he just depends on me now to make sure she’s taken care of.

Edited

He's very successful but he rents 🤔

Original poster
Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 15:22

No he owns his homes. His older kids live in his other properties he own. They live rent free.

OP posts:
Pootle23 · 21/03/2025 15:22

Octonaut4Life · 21/03/2025 14:35

If your partner won't let you tell her then make it clear it's his responsibility to clean up after her and cook for her!

This. Stop doing everything for her and make it your partners responsibility.

ShhhhhItsASurprise · 21/03/2025 15:23

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:52

It’s his house, he pays the rent, and I’ve lived with her for 3 years. If I don’t feed her she will starve.

She’s an adult. You’re not related to her. This isn’t your responsibility.

Your partner isn’t going to stop supporting her to be a lazy pig. If you don’t want to be part of that, you’d be best leaving as these step kids aren’t going to be going anywhere.

HarrietJonesFlydaleNorth · 21/03/2025 15:23

Pahahaha she won’t starve 😆 Seriously through, fuck that shit, I’d move out. Even a house share would be better than staying there.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 21/03/2025 15:23

Focus on securing your own property and future OP, give these various adults as much consideration as they do for you.

BaggyPJs · 21/03/2025 15:26

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 15:22

No he owns his homes. His older kids live in his other properties he own. They live rent free.

He owns multiple properties but rents the one you live in?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/03/2025 15:27

She really won’t starve… 🥴

since you can’t do it to her apparently….

I would set aside one cupboard with 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 side plate, a glass and a cup for your own use and not touch of clean anything of theirs.

Leave her and your “fiancé” to their own skanky devices…

RedHelenB · 21/03/2025 15:30

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:52

It’s his house, he pays the rent, and I’ve lived with her for 3 years. If I don’t feed her she will starve.

She really wouldn't. She has a father.

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/03/2025 15:30

It isn't going to be any kind of marriage if you have to live with someone you 'cant' speak to. Honestly I'd leave.

I guess you don't want to, so then I would tell partner either he a) has stern words with her and sets boundaries, b) gets her to move out so she can sort herself out, or c) you leave. It's his choice which of those things he does but ultimately c) will be happening unless his daughter's behaviour changes such that it isn't negatively affecting you. I would definitely also stop cooking for her, if you can't speak to her you don't have a relationship so you have no responsibility.

TonTonMacoute · 21/03/2025 15:32

Jeez. Your 'D'P saw you coming didn't he?

Accept it, you're just the housekeeper. He expects you to look after his lazy offspring and doesn't respect you.

Put up or move out.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/03/2025 15:34

You don't need your partner's permission to say whatever you like to someone who lives in your house. There's no way I'd be staying with a partner who was enabling a whole adult to be completely dependent on them and expecting you to pick up the slack.

sesquipedalian · 21/03/2025 15:34

”If I don’t feed her she will starve.”

No she won’t - but why in earth would she bother making any effort for herself if she’s got you to cook and clean up after her? Could you go away for a couple of weeks and leave her to it? And tell your fiancé that his daughter needs to take responsibility for herself? Otherwise you’re going to be an unpaid skivvy for as long as the daughter chooses to live with you.

MissMoneyFairy · 21/03/2025 15:34

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 15:21

Yes, I know he had to respect me to model the behavior from the beginning. It doesn’t help all his children are in their 20s. They’re going to make up their mind about me according to their personalities. He never sided with me once. He has always kept quiet.

What are you with thius idiot and hus lazy fart arsed children

carrotsandtomatoes · 21/03/2025 15:36

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 15:22

No he owns his homes. His older kids live in his other properties he own. They live rent free.

But you said up thread that it’s his home and he pays rent for it.
please can you clarify? Why did you say he pays the rent and now say he owns it?

and she won’t starve

leave her to sort herself out. And reconsider being with him. This will be your life

Terrribletwos · 21/03/2025 15:37

Your partner is successful and owns properties and the daughter has a car and money according to you so how would she starve? Is this a joke post?

Middlechild3 · 21/03/2025 15:57

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:33

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

Stop doing anything for her. She needs to learn life skills

Soontobe60 · 21/03/2025 15:57

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:52

It’s his house, he pays the rent, and I’ve lived with her for 3 years. If I don’t feed her she will starve.

No she won’t. Stop pandering to her, and find your own place.

Cyclebabble · 21/03/2025 16:00

He may pay the rent, but you did not sign up to be his daughter's maid. She is 20. Your Dh needs to set ground rules, although if she has got to this age without having such rules it will be quite tough. Does she behave like this at DM's house?

femfemlicious · 21/03/2025 16:00

He owns the house bit pays rent?.

Either you suck it up or move out. Do you work?. If you don't then you need to get a job

Wishimaywishimight · 21/03/2025 16:02

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:52

It’s his house, he pays the rent, and I’ve lived with her for 3 years. If I don’t feed her she will starve.

Don't be so bloody daft, of course she won't starve. Do you seriously believe she will sit there and fade away from malnutrition of you don't put food in front of her??

Just stop making her food. Either she will get a grip and make her own or daddy will sort it. Either way, feeding a (lazy) grown woman is not your problem.

claudiaswinklemen · 21/03/2025 16:02

This is going to be one of those vague threads where nothing makes sense and key information is not provided.

Ella31 · 21/03/2025 16:03

Is she 19 or 20 years old because I read your post from last night about "losing your sanity" and she was 19 years old as of midnight last night.

JLou08 · 21/03/2025 16:06

Flowerchild1 · 21/03/2025 14:52

It’s his house, he pays the rent, and I’ve lived with her for 3 years. If I don’t feed her she will starve.

Unless she is severely disabled she will not starve. I work with disabled people who can find the means to feed themselves. If she is literally would starve without you bringing her food she needs care.

Crazybaby123 · 21/03/2025 16:06

Options

  1. leave
  2. Set some house rules and an ultimatium that you will leave if not followed
  3. Accept your assigned role as handmaid to a spoiled princess for eternity.