Adult (20) Stepdaughter Won’t Wash Her Dishes

[Flowerchild1]

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

Forget about him and his children, turn the lens on yourself. WTAF are you doing allowing yourself to fall into this pit of dependency and lethargy. You’re following the steps of the others around you by not working. Are you trying to make yourself feel better by pointing at the next person in the hierarchy and saying ‘at least I’m not as bad as them’.

Leave.

if you stay then you’re just one of the other zombie dependents.

"She won’t shower, won’t brush her teeth, washed her clothes once every 6 months…". If she won't shower, brush her teeth or wash her clothes, is she suffering from depression? Being lazy and not cooking or cleaning up is one thing but not brushing your teeth or showering is concerning.

’hint things’? I’d be doing way more than that. Stop making life easy for her and harder for yourself. If I don’t feed her, she will starve - do you know how ridiculous that sounds. She’s 20 years old! You are making a rod for your own back and your partner is allowing it. You either allow things to continue as they are, set rules and have them agreed or move out!

Err, yes it can. That’s called depression.

She won't.

My first thought. Leave.

What hope do any of the children in this scenario have in becoming stable, fully functioning and contributing adults?

zero

Your partner has asked you to do nothing?
I would be taking him at his word and literally do nothing. It will be hard for a while and you may need to grit your teeth at mess but it seems it’s the only way to get the message through. Don’t pick up her trash, don’t cook for her (unless it’s a family meal that everyone is eating, but even then I’d be making sure that OH and DSD do their share and don’t cook at all on certain nights, get yourself a takeaway), don’t pick up or do her washing, nothing. Partner will eventually complain and you’ll say ‘you told me not to do anything’. Or maybe he’ll do it himself, in which case, win for you and more fool him. Petty maybe, but sometimes it’s necessary to make a point.

Housekeeper is a legitimate job you could get Op. you could do all you’re doing now and actually get paid for it. Would you consider that? @Flowerchild1

Yes it sounds as though she needs help .

This whole thread is weird. It’s like there are elephants falling from the sky and op has posted worrying about the falling raindrops.

Why does he rent the house you live in if he’s wealthy and owns other properties?
Makes no sense

Not necessarily. My son has a wealthy friend who rents because he doesn't want to have to hassle with or pay for maintaining the home. They just call the landlord. FWIW they live in a very nice 3 bed flat in Manhattan, so it ain't cheap! Some get 'wandering feet' and like to move around. Or it could be that OP's 'partner' just hasn't found 'the right place'.

Another thing with a rental, if OP's partner decides he's 'done' with her, he can just give notice and move elsewhere once the lease is up, married or no. Also, the property he bought prior to any marriage but doesn't live in would most likely be considered his sole and separate property. Whereas the 'family home they live in' even if bought prior to the marriage may end up being a marital asset.

Sounds to me as if this man has it all figured out.

This is your partner’s job to sort out. If he is unable or unwilling to do that then leave.

Is she depressed? Might some therapy help?

I don't understand a 20 year old girl having no skills, you don't say, has she learning difficulties, have you shown her what she needs to do. Does she suffer from depression, something does not add up.

She'll starve????

I'm sure she'll manage

She won’t. Her father can feed her. And voted YABU for putting up with it.

But if she can drive, presumably she can cook?

Why are you with him?

You are obviously trying to marry this man for his Money. Why don't you get a job and pay for yourself?. You are going to marry him then get a divorce to get a payout.

I have a feeling OP is not in UK. "School" can be a term used to mean education.

No she won’t starve she will learn to feed herself - it’s a form of weaponised incompetence that you are feeding as well as feeding her.

Your poor son is being taught some really fucked up lessons about relationships and male / female dynamics by being forced to live under the same roof as this bizarre situation. Massively not worth the damage it will be doing to him. At such a crucial stage of his development too when it comes to him thinking about relationships of his own in future.

Look for a job and find your own home. The next boyfriend needs to be 'normal' ; this one is weird with the way he pays rent to live but owns property that his other children live in rent free. Find someone who wants to save towards a deposit on their own home and find someone with fewer children. I think you are storing up trouble for the future, you need a more straight forward chap.