Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

[PearlGold]

I would welcome some second opinions here, I’ve had a big row with my DH this afternoon.

-DH’s best friend split up with his partner a few weeks ago
-Said friend has been increasingly spending time at our house with DH - watching television, the odd drink on a weekend etc
-The past two weeks, he has started to make inappropriate comments about women and in general. Examples below:

DH and I needed to pop out leaving him in the house for about an hour, and he said ‘don’t worry, I won’t raid your knicker draw’ which had DH in stitches.

We were watching one of the soaps where there are two female characters who are romantically involved, and he casually said ‘it’s a shame they don’t show them getting the strapon’s out’, DH simply said ‘not before the watershed’.

Another character came on screen and he said something about not kicking her out of bed for farting, again really childish.

He is very bitter about women in general, and keeps slagging off his ex which is really awkward as we met as couples in the past and I got on with her.

I have told DH enough is enough and there must be other friends and family he can spend evenings with. DH says he is just being a friend and that he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments.

I am seriously pissed off now and want my house back!

These men are so tiresome. It must be exhausting having to deal with their shit every day.

Sounds like he's grooming you by pushing your boundaries as a couple.

Nah, you need to speak up.

I would absolutely put my foot down and stop him coming round. Tell him directly and tell your DH. Make it none negotiable.

Yuck! What a miserable incel.

My STBXH is like this, I am leaving him for other reasons believe it or not 😆 but Ithis thread has opened my eyes in terms of acceptable behaviour. I always thought that it was just banter and the weird thing is everyone we know just thinks he is really funny (or at least acts like that and laughs with him) especially his family but also people we know in general. I did think to myself he doesn’t seem to like women much but as his behaviour was normalised (other wives seemed to think it was fine and expected). If I ever said anything I was the miserable one or ‘taking it the wrong way’. I genuinely thought when I read the OP that this was my actual husband. Once again thanks Mumsnet!

Have you heard the expression " Familiarity breeds contempt" ? He's being allowed far too much access to your home and is clearly getting way too comfortable and over familiar at your expense and discomfort. Tell your husband he has to support him outwith the family home! Tell the freind if he was in the habit of making stupid, female demeaning comments. in front of his own wife,he will not be allowed to do it to you. He is being disrespectful ,probably why his wife is gone!

It isn’t making you weak, although your comment is quite passive aggressive.

You have an opportunity to be more assertive and I would encourage you to grab it with both hands.
You definitely could have said “Listening to that fart after you ate my food, didn’t offer to wash up, sitting with a tinny dismisssing women, I can’t think why she’d possibly want you gone out of her life. You’re such a Prince, behaving like that, you’ll be snapped up in no time.”

To be fair i wouldnt take offence to it and if said to me id have probably said just dont stretch the elastic if you put then on or something equally as stupid and childish.
I dont think the comments are particularly bad but the point is you do and its your house. If you arent happy with the comments the YOU need to tell him.

What would bother me is being at my house all the time. I can understand wanting to be a friend to him but i couldnt be doing with someone about all the time. Id tell your husband to go to the friends house or watch football in the pub and give me peace!

Please, please, PLEASE, find some self respect from somewhere and deal with your DH. This is turning out to be more of a problem with him and his respect (or lack of) towards you. You should thank his revolting friend for revealing this aspect of your marriage, and you need to do something about it or you'll be an unhappy wet blanket for the rest of your life.

That sounds to me as if you feel you need 'permission' from your husband to tick his mate off in your home.

You don't.

My go-to response would be 'it's getting easier and easier to see why she dumped you, Bob'. Every fucking time. It's time for these two men to feel uncomfortable and awkward. Because they SHOULD. Both of them!

I read a thread on here a few months ago where the pervy friend escalated to groping the lady in question.
And when I say grope I actually mean assault.
The husband ‘got him’ to apologise and said no more and couldn’t understand why his wife was upset.
And the wife was traumatised.
I would question my marriage. My OH would launch anyone who spoke like this and he can be as earthy as anything at times. But he knows about being appropriate.
Both of these men are now making you feel uncomfortable. They aren’t in adolescence. Although reflecting on the TV drama with that name, they are behaving like two toxic teenagers.

how are you this morning @PearlGold?

I call out my partners sexist vile mates, why can’t you?
so much for having someone’s back in a room theyre not in.

Get DH to drop his car off tomorrow so that way you don't have to put up with him in your house again.

What a gross individual. How sad that your husband is putting his mate above your feelings. Tell your husband he's no longer welcome, it's your house too.

Explain to DH that he's going to find himself in the same situation as his mate if he doesn't stop being such an arse.

His mate's behaviour might be tolerated when it's just men being arses but it's not acceptable otherwise. And anyone who's saying someone can't take a joke needs to swiftly learn that jokes are only funny when everyone is laughing. And be told so.

If your DH starts grumbling you're no fun anymore, just reply that he never used to be such an offensive arse but people change...

Thanks CarrotVan for showing some compassion. PearlGold posted as I presume she wanted some validation that she was not being unreasonable about her feelings towards the unpleasant best friend of her husband. Whilst I appreciate the majority of people who have posted have the best intentions in the world, some are actually bordering on bullying although they may not see it this way. PG had already stated she has issues from the past and she already feels outnumbered at 2 - 1. We are all different in how we react to things. Life throws curve balls and someone quiet and unassuming can suddenly grow confidence which is great but not everyone will. Some people who were fairly confident can have a few or a lot of knock downs in life and lose every bit of self worth they once had. I know people don't mean to be so hard but tough love isn't always the best. We don't know if PG has close relatives or a group of friends or even one close friend she can confide in. I do hope she has but that may be the reason she posted on here for support as she doesn't have close friends/relatives she can depend on. Please don't post about getting some self respect etc and scroll past.if you can't offer sound advice with a little empathy.

I like @pollymere's comment

"If your DH starts grumbling you're no fun anymore, just reply that he never used to be such an offensive arse but people change..."

I can appreciate with those two ganging up on you that its very difficult to make a stand, but I don't think you should see it like that.

The "Friend" is pushing boundaries for sure, as several PPs have said.
Therefore he's going to keep on saying offensive things and upping the anti to see what he can get away with, and how much he can get your DH on side, laughing at your reaction. He's already starting this ascent, from the examples you've given.

But I think you are well within your rights to have a few simple phrases up your sleeve that are easy to deliver in a calm, no nonsense voice. and repeat.
eg.. That is disgusting. As a guest in my house you should not be speaking to me that way..
Him. "Oh can't you take a joke?"

"I could if it was actually funny" or the classic.. "Don't give up your day job".

So think of it as correcting them - each and every time, rather than starting an argument.
"That is disgusting. Please do not come to my home and behave like that and call it a joke."
I've noticed that he replies with comments like well you fart etc...keep repeating what your first comment was. "That doesn't alter the fact that this is my house and your behaviour is disgusting"
And if there is a pile on, just say firmly "I am not debating this with you. Your behaviour is disgusting and I am sick of it."

I think it is significant that these men met at primary school.. and revert to their childish behaviour when they meet up.

Also, correct your DH's terminology, don't let him frame or label your reactions. It doesn't have to be an argument.. just say calmly for eg when he asked why you were sulking... "I am not sulking. I just cannot stand putting up with his disgusting behaviour whilst you sit there laughing. It is not funny."

Its awful to have to deal with this idiot and worse to see him encouraging your DH to be as horrible as him. Your DH is not going to stand up to the Friend. He's too in awe of the Friends macho personality and is terrified of appearing to be under the thumb of his DW.
If you feel up to it. I would say directly to the Friend that he is no longer welcome in your house as he keeps disrespecting you. He can go and tell his rotten jokes somewhere else.
Best of luck OP.

Friday night seems as good a time as any to vaccum the lounge.

Id worry they would enjoy the sport of watching her react to their behaviour. Sort of thing silly boys would enjoy.
If DH doesn't listen, I'd absent myself from the house and him and let him have it his way and plan an exit if he doesn't back track.

Well he clearly isn’t bothered about spending time with you!
id get yourself ready next time he’s due round and arrange to spend to spend the evening with his ex… as he walks in, walk out and say I’m off to see Sandra…

Fucking hell, you're living with Beavis and Butthead. What a pair of juvenile twats .

Hate to say it, but your DH isn’t much better than your ex’s!
if you’re saying you don’t want this friend coming round to YOUR home then he should respect your wishes! He should respect that he makes you feel uncomfortable and he should be telling his friend not to run women down! Running anyone down is horrible and not funny!
Him saying you have no sense of humour and dismissing your feelings is gaslighting behaviour and I think you need to have a serious word with him and tell him he’s being very disrespectful!
I don’t think I could stay with a man who has so little regard for your feelings and wishes! And I’d be telling him this!!

I agree with others that the friend is pushing boundaries and is trying to engineer a break up between you and DH so they can continue their bromance unencumbered and talk with each other about what bitches women are. Perhaps pointing out to DH that you think this is what friend’s intention is might wake him up, although I doubt it.

re the farting and the football, I probably would have asked him to leave. Just ‘that’s enough, time to leave Bob’ and if either he or DH objected I would have cut the plug off the TV. But I think there is sometimes quite a bit of value to being unhinged at times.

Reading this has reminded me of a relationship I had years ago where my BF prioritised his friendship over our relationship. He moved his mate into his spare room and eventually I recognised it was never going to change and I left. I hope it doesn’t get to that point for you