Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

[PearlGold]

I would welcome some second opinions here, I’ve had a big row with my DH this afternoon.

-DH’s best friend split up with his partner a few weeks ago
-Said friend has been increasingly spending time at our house with DH - watching television, the odd drink on a weekend etc
-The past two weeks, he has started to make inappropriate comments about women and in general. Examples below:

DH and I needed to pop out leaving him in the house for about an hour, and he said ‘don’t worry, I won’t raid your knicker draw’ which had DH in stitches.

We were watching one of the soaps where there are two female characters who are romantically involved, and he casually said ‘it’s a shame they don’t show them getting the strapon’s out’, DH simply said ‘not before the watershed’.

Another character came on screen and he said something about not kicking her out of bed for farting, again really childish.

He is very bitter about women in general, and keeps slagging off his ex which is really awkward as we met as couples in the past and I got on with her.

I have told DH enough is enough and there must be other friends and family he can spend evenings with. DH says he is just being a friend and that he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments.

I am seriously pissed off now and want my house back!

he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments

Tell DH he does mean offence - he is belittling women in general.

It's just he's so used to a culture of misogyny that the friend - and your DH - don't even register it as offensive.

I would say you have had enough of the visits and your husband can go round his friend's or they can go to the pub

Are you afraid to challenge your husband or insist that he meets this friend elsewhere? It sort of comes across that way. If your husband is willing to die on this hill of prioritizing his friend over you then you have bigger problems than the stupid comments.

His comments wouldn't bother me but being in my home frequently would.

Your DH needs to understand he's a husband with a wife and he shares his home, with you, a woman. Expecting your wife to put up with your friend's misogynistic behaviour because you feel sorry for him is not ok. If the friend wants to mouth off about women more than he wants a bed for the night, then he can fuck off and your DH can fuck off with him and console the twat elsewhere on a full time basis.

He will just clock that as she's another moany woman and slag her off behind her back to her husband.
We all know the type.

Yes. I wouldnt want my DH to have a best friend like that in the first place 😬

Used to have that all the time with an ex and it was absolutely rank.
The irony was everyone thought he was a good decade older than his real age.
He used to say it about every woman.
The only who got his praise was Amanda Holden.

Re the ridiculous strap on comments, you could say - you do know women can orgasm without a penis or its like, perhaps that's where you went wrong

He’s making you feel uncomfortable in your home so you’re absolutely the one who should tell him so.

Its obvious you have a DH problem in that hrs siding with this prick against you - and that he’s not going to speak up so it has to come from you

I think you are past the "doing something good" stage and need to boot him.
He's overstepping your boundaries and seems to be very bitter about his separation, judging by his comments, there was probably a good reason for that. Have a serious chat with your DH, nobody should feel insecure in their own house.

I'd have called out his behaviour before now and made it quite clear he would leave if it continued

Sorry but your DH sounds like a dick too. You shouldn’t have to have someone you feel uncomfortable with in your own home. Tell your DH he isn’t coming to your house to watch the football if he wants to watch it with his friend then they need to go out.

I would be worried that your dh will offer his friend the use of your sofa/spare room.

Do you have an annoying/smelly/noisy activity you could be doing on the occasions he is in your home?

3 x a week is a lot. Especially if you have s job & kids etc. Surely they can meet in the pub for a drink and you can speak to your husband about that ? Just say you need peace , you are sympathetic towards his situation but his lewd /sexist* comments are rubbing you up the wrong way & you are tired /want the house to yourself not 2 blokes cluttering up the place. If my friends came over that much (I have kids though) I wouldn't answer the door in the end!

Just when I thought he couldn’t get more unattractive

Wonder why he’s single? 🤔

Neither your DH nor his friend seem concerned about upsetting you with these comments, so I’d take that as setting the tone for the rules of engagement. Respond robustly, with nary a care for whether they get upset. And if your DH chooses to side with his mate over this, he might want to consider whether he’d like to join him sofa surfing.

Suggest the friend has counselling. It is apparent he blames women in general for his marriage failure which is irrational and needs therapy to come to terms with it and get over it. Give him these links every time he comes out with the inappropriate comments:

https://www.talktoangel.com/area-of-expertise/breakup
https://www.thecalmzone.net/guides/relationship-breakdown
https://positivepsychology.com/breakup-therapy/
https://citytherapyrooms.co.uk/counselling-therapy-london/relationship-breakup-separation-divorce-counselling/

You could also keep reminding him that bitterness/hatred will never solve anything, but it can make his life worse by alienating those around him. If he responds aggressively towards you as a result, then we'll see how far your husband's tolerance goes and whether he is really husband material.

This is good.

Or “with attitudes like that, no wonder you’re single, Bob.”

Start an inappropriate comment jar and fine him £1 for every comment and use the takings to take yourself out with better company!

I have read a few threads similar to this over the past year.
Sometimes the behaviour of these men escalates. They are testing your boundaries in your own home.
Your DH should support you.
If he doesn’t he’s just as much of an idiot as his mate.
It is designed to make you feel uncomfortable. Put an end to it now.

You dh might think he’s acting in a harmless manner but by not backing you up he’s as bad as him; I take it he has to knock/ring the door bell to gain access to your home? Could you not switch off the lights early lock the doors; switch off the phones; close the curtains & have a snuggled up couples night with just you & hubby; if the prat comes knocking ignore the oaf & keep doing it until he gets the message go out for a meal next night; long romantic walk next night the idiot should realise he’s burnt his bridges quickly either that or your going to have to put your big girl pants on & tell him enough to enough & he’s to get out x

Sorry I’m laughing

I would say, ‘no wonder your wife left’.

He sounds like a pig.

Stand up for yourself! It’s your house too.