Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

[PearlGold]

I would welcome some second opinions here, I’ve had a big row with my DH this afternoon.

-DH’s best friend split up with his partner a few weeks ago
-Said friend has been increasingly spending time at our house with DH - watching television, the odd drink on a weekend etc
-The past two weeks, he has started to make inappropriate comments about women and in general. Examples below:

DH and I needed to pop out leaving him in the house for about an hour, and he said ‘don’t worry, I won’t raid your knicker draw’ which had DH in stitches.

We were watching one of the soaps where there are two female characters who are romantically involved, and he casually said ‘it’s a shame they don’t show them getting the strapon’s out’, DH simply said ‘not before the watershed’.

Another character came on screen and he said something about not kicking her out of bed for farting, again really childish.

He is very bitter about women in general, and keeps slagging off his ex which is really awkward as we met as couples in the past and I got on with her.

I have told DH enough is enough and there must be other friends and family he can spend evenings with. DH says he is just being a friend and that he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments.

I am seriously pissed off now and want my house back!

I second this

sorry but to me the comments are daft banter between male friends, no big deal. Your DH does the same. I bet when they are alone it's a lot of the time. As do many guys.

Your DH is wrong. It's offensive and disrespectful.

I'd have had to say something if it was me. Something like " I don't find that funny at all"

Then walk away.

Chuck them both out. Problem solved.

Totally agree with this.

I don't think DH is going to do anything anyway, it's up to you to set (and enforce) the boundaries. He's only going to get worse if left unchecked, now's the time to put a stop to his childish comments.

Is this an episode from Men Behaving Badly? 🤔

Genuinely, why are you being so wet?

This.
You have a DH problem.
It feels to me that your DH has had his head turned by his dickhead friend's unfettered comments. Like he's suddenly realised he doesn't have to self censor, because you can't actually do anything about it. And he doesn't even have to say anything himself, dickhead friend says it all for him.
He's not just refusing to stand up to him, he's actually enjoying watching you squirm. And getting bolder himself every day.
You're going to have to be very clear in your mind what you want the outcome to be here, because I think it could get very messy very quickly.

FFS OP, go downstairs, guns blazing, turn off the TV, and tell the pair of them that you are sick and tired of their purile behaviour, and that if they want to watch the football they can fuck off down the pub, and unless they're prepared to behave like gentlemen in your home, then they needn't bother to come back!

Honestly, kick them both out. Tell them you’ve had enough catering to dickheads. Go watch the football at the pub. I would also ask if he enjoyed the meal he wasn’t invited to. Yes? Good, because that was the last one he was getting. If he wants to eat he can put his hand in his pocket and buy a fucking pizza. You’re not their brother or their buddy and deserve some respect in your own home.

Indeed. I can't imagine why he's still single.🙄

I very rarely swear OP, but please take this one from an old, wise woman.

Kick both of the Fuckers out.

The friend is vile, and now he's bitter and twisted too. And your husband is lapping it up and currying favour with this vile specimen. How old is he? Six?

Please remember the saying, when someone shows you who he is, believe him. I'm sorry my darling, but you picked a dud.

...and women talk about stuff between themselves when men aren't around, but you consider the people you're with.My boys know I will disapprove but not be offended by sweariness, but they wouldn't do it in front of their grandma because it would offend her .

This character is pushing the boundaries and seeing what he can get away with. Dinner cooked, heating on, TV on. All for free and lads together farting, belching, hoping for some snacks and having some lads talk that resembles Men Behaving Badly. Soon he will be staying there overnight. Got to stop it now.

Doesn't sound as if either of them has any respect for you.

What age are you all, 21? You're a grown married woman being dictated to by his friend like you're youngsters. There's no way anyone would be calling to my house once a week let alone 3 times and if my husband told me he was coming back he'd be told if he turns up at my door you'll both be homeless. Wise up OP. You don't give your home up for anybody. His comments about women are just low IQ, unfunny attempts at wit but the fart would have done me in. So incredibly rude and looks like he's making himself at home. Tell him to get to feck.

Read him the tiot act?

Absolutely no point OP.
Both of them have made a point of absolutely humiliating you.
That scum friend in farting, your husband implying the same about you.

Neither of them have a scrap of respect for you.

You truly are married to scum and he has moved his friend in to reinforce just how little you count.

This is your life OP.
I feel desperately sorry for your children.
What an excuse of a man they have as a father.

Oh and his friend is deliberately provoking you to find out just how little respect your husband has for you.
Your scum husband rose to the challenge and heaped further humiliation upon you.

That would have been the perfect moment to stand up and say:

"Right, I've had enough, no wonder Linda kicked you out, you're disgusting. Get out of my house and don't come back."

Then if DH takes his side tell him he can fuck off too.

Your DH is an immature dick, he's clearly spending too much time with this wanker. No wonder his GF/wife kicked him out.

you have a DH problem

go nuclear after the "friend" has left

Doubledenim305 - Exactly, you are correct. Pearl has already told or made clear that friend and his gross comments are not welcome and I believe she has told DH, but DH obviously thinks too much of his friend. It's ok everyone saying Pearl should do this and that and say this and that, but without back up from DH it is going to fall on deaf ears. She can tell her husband very strongly later when disgusting friend has gone but it depends on how much DH likes his friend, how far they go back. If she gives DH an ultimatum, it needs to be one that doesn't disadvantage her e.g. "he's not welcome here with those type of comments and if you think it's ok you need to join him somewhere else" - this just gives DH a reason to go out with friend and possibly spend money in the pub that is not affordable, or DH could go out with friend and DH/both end up drunk and comes home and annoys Pearl even more and DH argues with her and it all gets out of hand. If at all possible, Pearl needs to explain to DH calmly that what the friend is saying is not only embarrassing her and making her feel really uncomfortable but she is surprised that DH is not annoyed by friend disrespecting wife - most men would not like that fact alone as it shows that friend believes DH's wife -(DH's choiceto marry/cohabit with) is not worthy of respect and really that is disrespecting DH as well. I hope they can sort it out between them but friend must be rubbing his hands in glee, probably hoping wife will leave DH and he can have DH to himself and comfort of the home without any interruptions from wife. I dislike him and I don't even know him but I know how friends can come between couples. Good luck PearlGold.

I'm not surprised you are fuming.

But really, how long are you going to silently put up with the Friend be so rude to you and practically giving your idiot husband lessons in how to insult you and applauding him when he manages to score a good point ?

The time for politeness is passed.
This is the point where you say direct to Friend.
I find you offensive and rude.
You are not welcome in my house.
Leave now.

There will be an outcry.. but you have to keep repeating direct to the friend.
You are not welcome here and repeat.

I can't see them stopping otherwise, they are so disrespectful.

you are getting an insight into what the conversations between him and your H are like when you aren't there

This. You have a DH problem because he thinks this cretin is hilarious.

This.

Read your latest post @PearlGold. My word, my teenage and young adult DSs don’t behave like that. They’d think anyone who did was a bit of a dick.

It’s greatly concerning that you’re having to be forced upstairs all evening in your own effing home. How dare they disrespect you in it.

If you want or need to go downstairs and if there’s any more of it, I’d simply say: ‘I’ve welcomed you into my home and offered you dinner. If you don’t have respect for me, why are you here? I’d like you to leave now.’

Good point @Doubledenim305
"most men would not like that fact alone as it shows that friend believes DH's wife -(DH's choice to marry/cohabit with) is not worthy of respect and really that is disrespecting DH as well."

That might appeal to the DH's idiotic vanity. And he is encouraging DH to be vile to OP. More conversations along the lines of the friend is using DH and making a complete fool of him. However, the DH seems to be fine with all of this.

If the OP says direct to the friend,You are not welcome in this house. instead of relying on spineless DH to talk to friend at least then its all out in the open that OP is opposed to him being there. Technically its not at the moment because she is cooking for him and watching tv with him, although unwillingly. It must be unbearable.

No big deal??????? This is not daft banter between men - it is crass, gross remarks to OP - a female - the wife and co owner of the house that friend is lounging and scrounging in. Women may/do talk between themselves and may share dirty jokes or whatever, at work and on nights out together - in all-female company - that is the difference. You are missing the point.