Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

[PearlGold]

I would welcome some second opinions here, I’ve had a big row with my DH this afternoon.

-DH’s best friend split up with his partner a few weeks ago
-Said friend has been increasingly spending time at our house with DH - watching television, the odd drink on a weekend etc
-The past two weeks, he has started to make inappropriate comments about women and in general. Examples below:

DH and I needed to pop out leaving him in the house for about an hour, and he said ‘don’t worry, I won’t raid your knicker draw’ which had DH in stitches.

We were watching one of the soaps where there are two female characters who are romantically involved, and he casually said ‘it’s a shame they don’t show them getting the strapon’s out’, DH simply said ‘not before the watershed’.

Another character came on screen and he said something about not kicking her out of bed for farting, again really childish.

He is very bitter about women in general, and keeps slagging off his ex which is really awkward as we met as couples in the past and I got on with her.

I have told DH enough is enough and there must be other friends and family he can spend evenings with. DH says he is just being a friend and that he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments.

I am seriously pissed off now and want my house back!

DH came up to see me a few minutes ago (it must be half time!) and asked why I sulked off - I told him I felt uncomfortable and want his friend to go. DH said he will need to have a taxi as he’s had a few cans on top of a pint at the pub after work and they’ll pre book one for the final whistle. That also means his car will be on our drive over night and he will need to get it at the weekend, so another excuse to come round!!

According to DH that’s an innocent comment and he doesn’t think any other woman would take offence!!

I'm sorry, OP, but your husband sounds as much of a twat as his friend. It doesn't matter what he thinks other women would or wouldn't feel about it (and he's wrong on that anyway) - what matters is how YOU feel about it. I would tell him that in a country where VAWAG is frighteningly high, and where we know that assault often starts with disrespectful comments and then escalates, you are not prepared to hear women being spoken about disrespectfully in your home. I would also get him to read about structural misogyny and sexism - anything by Laura Bates would be a good place to start. And if he's not prepared to do that, and to find out what your and every other woman's experience of the world is, then frankly he can fuck right off.

I too agree a good approach is to ask your DH why he doesn’t seem to mind that his friend disrespects his wife (and thereby him) in his own home? Say most men would feel mugged off by a mate who did that. He’s taking the piss.

The starting point should be that any decent man expects his friends to respect his wife and family, especially when a guest in their home. If your DH implies it’s OK in any way (you should lighten up, only jokes etc etc), the implication is he’s not a decent man. In fact, his manhood is questionable. He’s still a boy.

Sorry OP, but I no longer feel sorry for you, as you're clearly not prepared to get off your backside and tell these morons that their behaviour is unacceptable. If you're not prepared to help yourself, then I don't think any of us can help you either.

It’s not as easy as that for me, I have had issues in past relationships with certain men and still carry the mental scars to this day. That’s why I want my DH to put his friend straight.

If that makes me weak or beyond help then so be it.

When men behave like this I find it helps to say how unattractive it is. How it gives you and most women the ick. So, it’s really turned you off him.

That way, you’re not telling your DH how to behave. You’re openly communicating your reaction to his behaviour.

If he doesn’t care whether it turns you off, you have your answer.

PearlGold, have just read your last post and I feel for you. I'm a bit more devious than you so don't do anything that I'm saying, I'm just venting 'cos I'm sad and mad for you. I don't know if this cretin is as ugly on the outside as he is on the inside but if he was fairly/very attractive I would have by now been doing my best to laugh at everything he said or joked about, telling him how funny he was letting him think he was something else,sitting/squashing next to him on the settee, offering him more food/drink but forgetting to offer DH any.... When he eventually left I would be telling DH how funny and what good craic he was and then you would have seen the change in DH as the green eyed monster rose. He would not have been quite so generous with the offer of visits/meals etc. BTW this would have been after 2nd vist and still no respect from him. If you tried it now DH might cotton on to ploy, so don't do anything that could humiliate you more. Stay safe. BTW have you not got any annoying friends/relatives that DH not keen on, that you could inflict on DH on days when friend is not coming round.

Ugh.

Reading the OP - those comments are borderline for me, I don't like them, but its more because they're clearly him testing the water to see what he can say and get away with, will his bestie back him up etc etc.

And as expected, he's upped the ante, meaning your DH has either not said a fucking word about him behaving himself OR he HAS but in a 'but I don't care, she's being over sensitive' way, meaning twat friend has just had a green light to go further and be an even bigger dick.

I'd tell him he can hang out with who he likes, but theres no way that prick is entering my home again so they'll have to go play with each other somewhere else!

@PearlGold

Well, I'll bet there's no wondering who broke up with who, is there?

I understand the aftereffects of abusive relationships, they can last a long time. But if they're affecting your ability to stand up for yourself or to ensure the 'peaceful enjoyment of your own home' then it may be time to do something about those aftereffects. You may want to consider counseling.

I did and now I take no prisoners when it comes to my home and the behaviour I'll put up with there. I don't need DH to speak for me, I can speak for myself. Yes, it's nice when he recognizes a situation with his friends and 'gets in there first', but if he doesn't, I will. And if he's not happy with what I've said, well, next time he'll beat me to the punch.

Sulking in the bedroom only hurts you. And chances are your DH's friend gets a thrill out of knowing he's upset you and 'chased you away'. Don't let him 'win' like that.

challenge him once - if he is argumentative or makes further "off" comments, tell him to leave, and he is not welcome to visit again.

In some ways, if he is genuinely thinks like this, In your position I'd prefer he vocalise and acknowledges his thoughts - however unpleasant at least you know how unpleasant he is, & can tell him to fuck off, rather than rushing round getting him a glass of wine and thinking he's just a bit quiet or weird.

I'm so sorry your partner is pathetically not standing up for you. That's fundamental for me. No fucking way would my partner allow such disrespect. Nor would I allow others to mock him. Non negotiable.

I know a man like this, he's always making inappropriate comments about women. But he's also recently diagnosed with autism. I told him straight he can't speak about women like that. He actually didn't realise there was anything wrong with it. Did he act like this before? Could he just be trying to be funny because he's hurting from the breakup and doesn't actually know how to be funny without making inappropriate comments?

I would be too. How unattractive. He's prioritising his knobhead friend over you. I'd fucking hate having a man like that in my home several times a week besides.

Re that awful comment on the strap on - I would be tempted to say "Whilst there are men like you, there will always be Lesbians".

This is not meant to be offensive to any Gay person or anybody who respects people for whatever their lifestyle/self identity is, after all you do not know my gender or sexual preference - I am using it to show the woman hater up for what he is and just using a phrase I have used many times to men who have used derogatory terms to women in front of me, to me, or who have called me a Lesbian because I didn't fall about laughing at their crude attempts at humour.

My DP’s bestie is also a bit of a perv and it took me a while to get used to him, I found him really off putting in our initial interactions just because the jokes were always so sexual.

I’ve warmed up to him after a road trip to go pick up my DP in which he was perfectly nice and normal but I felt a bit off and debated telling my DP, then ultimately decided to let it go unless it happened again.

However the issue here is your DH, he’s clearly a lads’ lad who acts different around his boys. Him knowing you’re uncomfortable should be enough for him to establish some ground rules with his friend. I’ve had a couple situations where DP’s friends joked about my accent or being foreign and they were swiftly asked if they wanted to keep their jaws on by him.

This man has issues with his last relationship. I'm sorry I haven't read every reply or your own updates OP. As far as I'm concerned so far I would be telling my DH it's either him or me. You can't take on the burden of your DHs relationships. If he makes it clear he supports him before he supports you in this situation I'd be concerned about his sexuality.

DH is on the sofa tonight. Pissed up and being a prick, and playing the sense of humour failure card again.

Claims his friend wasn’t dumped but he left her due to her ‘becoming a bit of a nutter’. I told him I can easily find out what happened as I’ve an old friend who is quite close to her through work, so I’m half tempted to text over the weekend and find out.

Bob saying his ex 'turned into a nutter' translates directly as 'realised I'm a c^^t'

Tell dh as they are good friends they can keep each other company in the house or flat they will be renting together if he dosnt put his foot down with his friend and put you first.

Find out why he is so supportive of his friend & why his feelings are more important than yours.

They have been best mates going back to school days so he feels he has a duty to support him when he is in a bad place and ‘so down’ (he has seemed very jovial at ours every time he has been recently!)

U don't really need to as u 100% know what happened.
Don't let him keep driving the narrative.
Work out where the lines are of what is and isn't acceptable and put ball in his court. Let there be a consequence to his actions if he ignores ur wishes. He thinks he can do what he wants and there's nothing u can do about it

He loves being a boy again with his mate and ur just the moaning her indoors...

As much as I hate to assume there are men who are awful to women when they are confused about their sexuality,sadly it does happen. OP please don't assume this is happening within your relationship but it can't be dismissed.

What a pair of charmers.

I'd kick em both out tbh.