Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

[PearlGold]

I would welcome some second opinions here, I’ve had a big row with my DH this afternoon.

-DH’s best friend split up with his partner a few weeks ago
-Said friend has been increasingly spending time at our house with DH - watching television, the odd drink on a weekend etc
-The past two weeks, he has started to make inappropriate comments about women and in general. Examples below:

DH and I needed to pop out leaving him in the house for about an hour, and he said ‘don’t worry, I won’t raid your knicker draw’ which had DH in stitches.

We were watching one of the soaps where there are two female characters who are romantically involved, and he casually said ‘it’s a shame they don’t show them getting the strapon’s out’, DH simply said ‘not before the watershed’.

Another character came on screen and he said something about not kicking her out of bed for farting, again really childish.

He is very bitter about women in general, and keeps slagging off his ex which is really awkward as we met as couples in the past and I got on with her.

I have told DH enough is enough and there must be other friends and family he can spend evenings with. DH says he is just being a friend and that he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments.

I am seriously pissed off now and want my house back!

I'm afraid I would have said something to him by now - especially when he made the knicker drawer comment. Totally disrespectful of you.

I think if he is really comfortable about talking like this in your home then you are getting an insight into what the conversations between him and your H are like when you aren't there: they will be much much more extreme. The fact your H is happy for his friend to talk like that to his wife in her own home is pretty disgusting.

You should be having a talk with your H and telling him if his friend can't behave in a civilised way then he's not welcome in your home.

I’ve tried to talk to DH again this evening but he’s having none of it and thinks I’ve had a sense of humour failure re. the comments.

He has also informed me he’s watching England play football at mine tomorrow which has really riled me up. I’ve had a shit week at work and just want to relax with my husband at the end of it.

According to DH that’s an innocent comment and he doesn’t think any other woman would take offence!!

Well your DH is either lying or stupid highly unimaginative. Of course it's offensive!
As is him repeatedly inviting this guy over without checking with you - really disrespectful.

Your DH really needs to have a think about his priorities. Yes his mate is in need of support and friendship, but he clearly isn't inconsolable or he wouldn't have the headspace to be such a dick. And you are just being trampled over by the pair of them, in your own home.

You are obviously not having a sense of humour failure - as nothing this guy has said is funny. It's his sense of humour that has failed.

Your husband thinks what his friend says is perfectly fine , I wonder does your husband carry on in the exact same way when your not in earshot?

The more you post, the more I'm thinking your husband sounds like this guy's twin brother.

Awful.

OP re the knickers I’d have said “that’s really creepy and pervy Dave and I’d not have let you in this house if I thought you think that way. Now you’re here I’m taking my knickers with me( and I’dve packed them in a carrier bag and done just that). If you say anything like that again you’re not welcome here”.
re the footie plonk yourself between him and DH on the sofa, feet on DHs knee, wear your headphones and watch something on your phone.
Its your house make your presence felt,
longer term, call this guy out next time and tell him that attitude is not welcome in your home and not to come back

Nobody should be making you u comfortable in your home. I would absolutely tell him myself that in our home we do not disrespect women or talk like that and that if he cannot be appropriate in his behaviour and language that you think he should meet your husband somewhere else as he will no longer be welcome in your home. I have young daughters so would absolutely not tolerate that kind of talk. Nor would I let my husband make excuses for this man.

Your husband knows nothing about women if he really thinks no other woman would be upset by the knicker drawer comment. And as for men and 'no sense of humour' - give me strength. I'll bet they don't have a sense of humour when their sensibilities are poked.

I wouldn't pretend to be ok with this, I'd go out when PITA is at yours or I'd be in the bedroom reading or doing my own thing. You will get a lecture from H about being rude to his mate, but he's been rude to you so who cares?

Are you now wondering if this is the way he's talked about women behind your back your entire relationship, because i would be!! I'd feel like I'd married a stranger.

I'd either

• say nothing if it didn't bother me
• go out more
• speak up every time
• start wearing revealing stuff around the house, like tiny pj outfits. Hopefully it will make DH rethink his mate being around all the time if he himself is uncomfortable.

Eta- give crude banter back to make dh uncomfortable. "I'll choose you a nice pair when I'm back" etc. It doesn't have to be clever. Men don't like being told what to do or have you come between theism and their mates. They do respond to feeling jealous, threatened, or feeling insecure.

I’m definitely going to be in later, I’m not being forced out of my own home. Sadly I don’t quite have the confidence to walk around wearing very little but I love the idea!

Absolutely this!

So you have a husband whom doesn't care less about what you feel in your own home about his scummy friend constantly visiting?

He is just like his friend.
Birds of a feather flock together.

Scum hanging out with scum.

You have a husband problem that you need to wake up to.

DH would have walked him to the door himself tbh. Tell him his playdates are over and he can go to his mates place instead.

Why can’t your DH go to his house instead? Still a bit rubbish as you won’t be spending time together but at least he won’t be at yours.

His ex kicked him out, he is basically sofa surfing between his Dad’s and another friend

I don’t think these comments are horrific, was expecting much worse with your comment of pervy friend - and I am definitely not charitable to men who talk in innuendo all the time. The knicker drawer (I can’t resist saying it’s not draw) comment was grim though and I agree with others that you can and should say something.

The bit that would bother me the most is my DH unilaterally deciding that he’ll have a friend in the house whenever he wants - in our house we’d always say to each other ‘I’m thinking of inviting Dave on Fri night to watch the football, does that work for you?’ Etc. I’d not cope well with people in my home that often each week. So I think it’s a DH issue more than the friend. DH can go to his house or out to the pub if he wants to be a good friend to him.

What’s stopping you saying ‘Nigel, I get that you’re smarting after your break up and that sofa surfing is no fun, but either you refrain from the Carry On type comments in my house, or you go and sit on a park bench somewhere. Is that clear?”

Next time your DH's friend says something sexist and/or inappropriate, just say 'I can see why your ex kicked you out'. Challenge every inappropriate 'joke' from the friend and your DH. They sound like a pair of sniggering school boys. Tell your DH that everytime he laughs at his friend's comments or says something similar you lose all respect for him and find it completely unattractive.

Do you feed this friend when he comes round? If so, stop doing it. Make him feel unwelcome.

I understand your reluctance to say anything due to it being uncomfortable but he is making YOU uncomfortable in your own home and he doesn't seem to care. Also, you have spoken with your DH about this and he has brushed it off.

You've explained your not happy to your DH and unfortunately i doubt he will say anything to his friend. So, as awkward as it is you are going to have to have a discussion with the friend. I wouldn't call him out or snap at him, just calmly explain that this is your home and if he wishes to be a welcomed guest then he must stop with the misogynistic and inappropriate comments and also measure the time he spends there. If he is unable to do that or snaps back at you then you can ban him from your home with a clear conscience. If your DH protests you can explain that he had his chance to discuss this with his friend when you expressed you initial upset. I doubt it will escalate to that but unless you want him lounging around and bemoaning women in your house for a unforeseen amount of time, the only way is to speak with him yourself. Good luck whatever you decide.

You shouldn't have to - but get your assertive challenging comments practiced and ready to roll out.

Lots of suggestions here to start you off.

This is your house.

Speak up and speak out.

And when your husband has a go at you for it - roll out your practiced comments to him, too. They are enabling each other.

No more biting your tongue - it's easier to speak if you haven't hurt your own tongue first.

OP something I found worked with my DH when he thought I was over reacting about a situation, and was prepared to continue with it, was to say to him 'YOU may think I'm over reacting, but it's the way I feel, and you need to listen to what I'm telling you, because if you don't, this will be the end of our marriage!' I then walked out of the room and left him to think about it. He stopped doing what was making me unhappy, and now if there's something bothering me, I remind him, that it's not about what HE thinks, it's about how I feel!

OP grow some balls and call him out- if your DH doesn’t like it tell him that you aren’t exactly impressed at him going along with chats like that in your presence and if they want to be macho geezers they should maybe meet at the pub

Just tell him he’s not welcome, and why.
I’m baffled as to why you’d pop out for an hour leaving him in your house? Why didn’t you send him home?!