Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

[PearlGold]

I would welcome some second opinions here, I’ve had a big row with my DH this afternoon.

-DH’s best friend split up with his partner a few weeks ago
-Said friend has been increasingly spending time at our house with DH - watching television, the odd drink on a weekend etc
-The past two weeks, he has started to make inappropriate comments about women and in general. Examples below:

DH and I needed to pop out leaving him in the house for about an hour, and he said ‘don’t worry, I won’t raid your knicker draw’ which had DH in stitches.

We were watching one of the soaps where there are two female characters who are romantically involved, and he casually said ‘it’s a shame they don’t show them getting the strapon’s out’, DH simply said ‘not before the watershed’.

Another character came on screen and he said something about not kicking her out of bed for farting, again really childish.

He is very bitter about women in general, and keeps slagging off his ex which is really awkward as we met as couples in the past and I got on with her.

I have told DH enough is enough and there must be other friends and family he can spend evenings with. DH says he is just being a friend and that he clearly doesn’t mean any offence by his comments.

I am seriously pissed off now and want my house back!

Yes! was just about to say that!

Every time he says something have a line ready:

I can see why your single now Bob
Blimey, no wonder women run a mile
If you can get her in bed in the first place Bob
Didn't have you down as wearing women's underwear Bob
Is that your best chat up line Bob?

and so on

Next time he annoys you I'd say, "Wow, Dave, I can't imagine why Sarah got fed up with you. I want to dump you too and you're not even my partner."

Show him this thread. Very clear that the majority are offended. I’m afraid your DH is as bad as him.

DH should tell him, it is his friend, he invited him and her saying something will reinforce his obvious dislike/disrespect of women. If the telling off comes from a man - his friend - it should send the correct message. Why should Pearl have to confront him?

I meant show the DH this thread who has said most women wouldn’t be offended.

If he doesn’t care what his wife thinks, why would he be swayed by the opinions of a load of internet randoms?

Alright, alright! I’m not her husband. Just an idea.

You’re right. Sorry.

Chances are your husband says similar things when you’re not around, or his friend wouldn’t feel so comfortable saying those things to him. They’re probably as bad as each other

It doesnt make any difference, or not much, that he doesnt mean any offence. He still does cause offence.

Why u letting him stay in the house when u go out? I'd be saying right Bob, we need to go out now, I'll see u to the door.

Stop trying to cause issues with OP’s marriage!

Both of them should be calling him out.

Your DH feels badly for Bob/Dave/whoever, Bob's homeless and sofa surfing so he's inviting him round lots, they can have banter and watch the football and talk about how unreasonable women can be. Bob's trying to make you uncomfortable so you'll leave them alone so they can get on with the male bonding, he probably wants to see your DH alone so he can talk him into letting him move in for a bit. This is not the time to be a shrinking violet Op, you can't hide behind your DH because he can't see his BF is a sexist pig, if you don't stand up for yourself this could get far, far worse

Next time he does it, just throw him out. Immediately

It’s your home too and you shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable.

Basic politeness means you don’t make sexist and disrespectful remarks when you’re a guest in someone’s home.

The knicker draw comment shows where his [creepy] mind goes, even if it’s made as a [really cliched and unfunny] ‘joke’.

The comments he’s made about women on TV are so juvenile. In fact, I doubt a teenage lad would make them when a guest in a friend’s family home. No wonder he’s single!

Looks like there are two issues though. Even if he stopped making the remarks, and was mature and polite, isn’t the issue that your DH is inviting him over without asking you whether you mind? And also the frequency of his visits?

Your DH needs to respect that it’s your home too. He needs to discuss with you before inviting a guest. You should make it clear if you don’t want his friend over 3 times a week, however he behaves. And if you want a daytime or evening without a guest (or him specifically) then say. Cohabitees should be happy for guests to come over within reason. But 3 times a week is quite a lot.

You DH is also responsible for challenging his friend’s sexist or disrespectful comments. He’s his guest. He’s your DH and should respect you and your boundaries.

If he won’t, then I’d challenge it directly. Really polite, calm, light and firm. Something like: ‘I’d rather not hear your sexist ‘banter’ in my home’. If it carries on, make it clear to your DH (and the friend directly if necessary) that he’s not welcome if he can’t respect your boundaries.

It wouldn't bother me to be honest. It's probably just his sense of humour.

And more to the point should be aware that it would cause offence. He wouldn’t say it in a professional setting, so he knows it’s not acceptable.

I’m sat upstairs on my bed absolutely furious!

DH’s friend was round at 6 - two hours before the football even started and I was in the process of cooking a meal for us to sit down and eat as a family. DH said he could join us and luckily I’d done enough to just about stretch to an extra portion.

I was then sat on the sofa with them both afterwards (cans of beer in hand). DH’s friend said something like ‘football on a Friday, that must be revenge for all those evenings of Love Island you’ve made him sit through’. I pointed out I’ve never watched Love Island in my life. He asked if I watch women’s football, to which I said no, and he said he doesn’t blame me and he doesn’t either.

Shortly after he then did the most exaggerated, loud fart which greatly amused DH. I said I’d appreciate it if he went to the bathroom to do that and his reply was simply ‘I’m only human, don’t tell me you’re one of those women who don’t do it too’. Gross. DH added ‘you wouldn’t want to be in our bedroom most mornings I’ll tell you that’ which had them both chuckling away again.

I told them I was going upstairs and gave DH a stare which told him I’m pissed off. I am going to read the riot act once his friend has gone later and tell him I’ve had enough and he isn’t welcome here anymore.

The football hasn’t even started yet ffs!

Why are you telling your Dh and not directly telling the friend? You have standards and if he can’t honour them he must go. You simply tell him that. Be assertive and he’ll respect you appropriately. It’s your home. Speak up. You have EVERY right to.

’Jeez, Bob, no wonder Linda got the ick. You’re giving me the ick too.’

’Give it a rest, Bob. This isn’t a Carry On movie and you’re not Sid James.’

’No wonder Linda left you if this how you talk about women.’

’Don’t be such a dick, Bob.’

’I’ve had enough of your misogynistic crap, Bob. Get the fuck out of my house. You sound creepy as hell.’

All that after u had cooked both of them a meal 😳 ur a bigger woman than me.
To be honest sounds like ur husband is like him and that's why he's his best friend.
I wouldn't be with him to be honest. Just disgusting behaviour and attitude from them both.

No, you are NOT being unreasonable. You are being FAR too accommodating. Tell your DH that said friend’s honeymoon separation spell is over. Period. No doubt the friend has a redeeming characteristic or two … but fundamentally he’s a creep and an ignorant dick. Furthermore your DH should be putting YOUR concerns above his pal’s neediness. I’m a bit surprised that he doesn’t appear to be doing so anyway. Your home isn’t a ‘guys drinking den’ where nothing’s off limits. So.. buckle up girl. DH needs to know that this is a non-negotiable situation. The guy doesn’t darken your doorstep again. The honeymoon is over. Any backsliding and there will be HELL to pay.

Sorry Op but please read my earlier post - this is just the start unless you woman up. He'll turn up early for dinner more and more and he'll be sleeping at your place before you know it. This is not the time to suffer in silence

Her husband wants him there. Therein lies the problem.