DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

You’re mixing up your DW and DH a bit there.

Either way, the grandparents do seem to have scared your child a bit. Doesn’t matter that they love him and didn’t mean to scare him - they clearly did. I’d agree that the best plan is to be there with him rather than a sleepover for a while.

Nobody can say whether or not there’s any “lasting damage”. Have your parents apologised at all for scaring your child? Even if they didn’t mean to? Are they talking with you both about this, or in the “we know what we are doing and don’t need advice on how to make our grandchild settle with us” camp?

A bit of resilience is useful for parents.

Sounds like either your child never gets corrected at home OR your parents were too strict
Could be both

Old school and expecting good manners from a 3 year old? Wtf

Yeah it’s a hard no from me, im with DW. Even if they don’t intend to be strict carers they clearly have been and have distressed your child.

I would be really annoyed about this too. I can't see me being ok with leaving a dc with them again. Especially not when they are so wee.

Also kids are bound to be clingy if you have been away from them for a few nights. It’s normal

I'd expect a 3yo to be a bit upset and clingy after being left by his parents for a few days.

That's not to say there can't possibly have been anything untoward, but I don't think the change in him is unexpected and the "granny was cross" could be him trying to explain feelings when he doesn't really know why he's feeling upset.

depends - do you trust your parents to tell the truth? how were they with you when you were a kid? what are their general attitude and mannerisms towards people and kids?

You and your husband went away, but your wife is angry at someone's parents? }Confused{

I would be worried honestly if I left my 3yr old with someone else unsupervised overnight and when he came back he said the person was 'cross'.

Regardless, both parents need to agree to leave your shared child with anyone. If your DW doesn't feel comfortable it doesn't happen.

We had a sort of vaguely similar situation recently, one of my close friends was happy to babysit which would have involved putting our 5yr old to bed. DH knows them pretty well but they're more my friend than theirs, from prior to meeting DH. DH didn't feel comfortable with a man bathing and putting him to bed. I trust me friend, as far as you can trust anyone, but I dropped it as DH needs to feel comfortable with it too.

If the scenario ever comes up that DH wants one of his friends/family to babysit and I don't feel comfortable, he would respect that too. Both of you have to be okay with it. You can have your opinion that you think DW is overreacting a bit and still respect and support her decision here.

I suspect clingy is a result of him having been left by his parents for a few days as much as anything else

Both things can be true. Your DPs may not have been "harsh" but still the relative change might have upset your DS. Maybe he is not yet ready to adjust to that.

That’s fair, and I do see where DW is coming from I don’t want DS to feel scared or uncomfortable with them. My mum was quite dismissive when I mentioned it, along the lines of “Oh, don’t be silly, he was just being a bit dramatic,” which didn’t help matters. I don’t think she’d ever intentionally scare him, but I don’t think she realises how a firm tone can come across to a little one.

I don’t think an outright apology is going to happen, but I’d like to at least get them to acknowledge that he was upset and reassure him more next time. Maybe we do stick to visits with us there for now. I just don’t want it to turn into a big family drama, but at the same time, DW is really not happy. How would you handle it?

So you're going to ignore that fact that several posters have said it's likely you going away and leaving him that contributed to the change?

How would I deal with it? I wouldn't go away without him again and I'd talk to DW about how I think that upset him. If DW doesn't want parents to babysit again, they don't, but I also think you need to agree that it wasn't necessarily them that caused the issue.

He's probably just clingy because you went away for a few days which is unsettling for a child so young. That's normal. Why has your DH jumped straight to blaming your parents?
Yes the difference in parenting styles will have upset your child but again that's normal. He's very young and he's used to his own parents and how you do things. So he will have been unsettled by it. So he will be a bit emotional and clingy.
That's not trauma. It's a normal reaction.
If anything it will be the length of time you were gone that's made him most unsettled. I'm not saying don't go away for that long.. but if your DH can't handle that it's effected your child (which obviously it has) he shouldn't be doing it! Not trying to palm off blame on your parents.
Yes if you leave a 3yo for 3 nights somewhere else they will be a bit clingy when you return. It doesn't matter if they had the time of their lives whilst you were gone.. you were still gone and it worried them slightly. It's not trauma it's totally normal.

This thread is blowing my mind. Has no one ever been cross at their child?

The clinginess is because he's been left for a couple of days, it's normal.

There are two possibilities, which are either: he never has boundaries/hears no at home, or they were overly strict and yelled a lot. Could be both.

Also there is nothing wrong with expecting good manners. You don't need to shout or punish. Just gentle reminders to say please and thanks and modelling the behaviour.

He won't have lasting damage from being told something firmly. It's mostly likely their parenting style is just firmer, and it's shocked him.

I honestly don't think you parents should be asked to apologise. They did you a huge favour and if you're going to leave DC with someone else you have to accept their house their rules.

Not sure. I’d probably have us all staying over there, and grandparent reading bedtime stories etc while we were in the other room. We live far from grandparents so this was a fairly typical thing for us - they’d get to “do bedtime” but we were still around.
And realistically your DW is not going to trust them if they’re dismissive of concerns. Without knowing your mum it’s hard to say how to approach it, but I would say that your child has been a lot more clingy than normal and said that granny was cross, and that maybe he’s not ready to have a different approach yet. Frankly unless your mum works with you both to come up with a better plan if your child stays over, I’d not be doing it again.

edited to add - yes loads of good points from others here about it likely also being the “away from parents for 3 weeks” thing that has caused clinginess. This is v likely too. Either way, best not do any longer stays without you for a while.

I’d assume that lovely, kind, smiley granny morphed into grumpy, angry, scary granny and your child was scared. Particularly because they were away from home without the comfort blanket of their parents and safe space of their bedroom.

If I were your wife I would expect you to acknowledge my feelings and not set up anymore overnights with your parents. If asked then I’d expect you to explain that whatever happened that evening was enough to cause significant emotional upset to heir grandchild and it won’t be happening again.

I think this maybe shows DS isn’t really ready to be left for a few days and to wait a few more years.

Yep it is highly likely that going away for a few nights (how many?) leaving him with grandparents has caused him to have some attachment and anxiety issues - fairly normal.

that said the cross words would also be an issue for me as well

it was too much too soon for your child so park time away for now

DH or DW?

Either way, unless there is further context, this is an isolated event.

Adult tells giddy 3 year old to settle down at bedtime. The end.

DW sounds like your typical namby pamby ‘gentle parent’ who tolerates messing about as ‘expressing himself’ and is looking for an excuse to dislike your mother.
Bedtime is bedtime.
She would get 0 attention from me on this subject.
Of course lots of children are clingy after time away. Everyone knows that

It sounds like he’s just having a normal emotional reaction at being home after being away from parents for several nights.

A 3 year old saying GM was cross is really not a sign that anything untoward happened.

@Ladamesansmercithe gentle parenting movement means parents can no longer show annoyance at the annoying things their kids do, yes. Calmness at all times in the face of some frankly really fucking annoying behaviour.

I have seen the results of gentle parenting (and also parenting without firm discipline). The latter can result in REAL brats. The former not brats so much but it puts incredible pressure on parents who (like me) are not super patient 100% of the time and also creates a certain entitlement in children.

Neither is my style.