DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

I've been there! It's a fine line to tread. I spoke to my MIL directly about it at the time; she brushed it off but it bothered me a great deal to think that my dc had been upset there. I know how much MIL loves her grandchildren. She does have a harsh way of speaking which is jarring even to adults.

My dc were never upset again after a stay with my IL's. They used to stay with them sometimes for a few days in the school holidays, they loved it and had a great time so it was just a one-off. But, I am glad I told MIL about it, glad that I supported my child but also glad that I didn't make it into a big drama. I do feel it is such an important relationship to encourage (obviously provided your child is happy and safe there).

I totally agree with this.

My dad could be a bit shouting, my DC mentioned it a few times, his patience wasn't good really. He was never violent or aggressive and the DC understood this. Kids now have little resilience and it is a huge issue at school/college/uni/work place. My DC are older teens now and choose to spend time with GPs, from about age 10 they would ask to stay over there.

If there was any inkling they were OTT or scary then this is different but I think your DW is being a bit sensitive. Like others have said its probably being away from you that has made the DC sensitive about it, maybe just see how it plays out when you mention them going there if and when that arises.

It sounds to me like he just wasn't ready to be left by his parents for what to a toddler would seem like a very long time. Did you ask him why granny was cross and explain to him that it was time to go to sleep and so he needed to settle down? Was he missing his bedtime routine? Does he normally settle quickly at home? Do you gentle parent in a 'let him do whatever he likes' way at home?

I agree with a PP that he doesn’t know how to articulate his emotions at being left for three days. It’s a bit like children who say they “have a tummy ache “ when they’re unhappy at school.
Your parents looked after your child for three days and were probably exhausted and said something along the lines of” it’s bedtime now… stop being silly and get back into bed”.
There’s no suggestion that he didn’t have the snuggles and warm milky drink and stories. But because he was stressed at not being at home he played up a bit and granny ( being exhausted at this point) just said that he should return to bed.

I think leaving a small child for three days is too much for grandparent and child.

God sake my post is full of typos 🙄

“Just being a normal grandparent” doesn’t mean a child wakes up crying thinking about the time Granny was cross.

Youll never know for sure if Granny went too far, or if child is over sensitive (perhaps never been corrected by Granny before?) but I would be cautious tbh.

Who said scared? Kid was being a bit of handful. Granny had enough was cross. No wonder these kids have zero resilience.

A lot if parents seem to have zero resilience too.
It sound like the mother is more upset than the child is (and yet mum left a 3 yo for 3 days).

Exactly. So many "spare the rod" PP conveniently overlooking that the child himself said that when they asked him what was wrong. Not "I missed you both/you left me" but "Granny was cross".

You seem more concerned about protecting your mother's feelings than your child's.

I don't think you need an apology or to do anything.

You just need to wait till child is older ie easier for older people to handle and child is more used to being away and dealing with others - before leaveing child without you with grandparents again.

Which is what I think the other parent is actually suggesting anyway behind theri anger - well image they'll re-evalauted GP babysitting in few years time rather than saying never again.

@petruk2002 'I just don’t want it to turn into a big family drama, but at the same time, DW is really not happy. How would you handle it?'

You have handled it, OP. What does your wife expect you to do? Does she like your mum? You know your mum. It does sound as though she just asked your son to go to sleep. I agree with the previous posters who have said that your son probably missed you.

Agreed!

It would be so lovely if we could have a conversation on MN without it descending into hyperbolic nonsense immediately.

A Mum is worried that her 3 year old hasn’t coped well sleeping at his grandparents for a few nights, and may have been given a row that gave him a fright. “Oh she’s one of those gentle parents who never disciplines her child. He clearly doesn’t usually have a bedtime and he’s going to be one of those teenagers who are out of control”. For the love of God…

& it is equally unlikely that the Granny has traumatised her grandson for life and he’ll never recover. I doubt she screamed at the top of her lungs “GET TO BED YOU LITTLE SHIT!!”

Losing patience and shouting at a 3 year old because he won’t calm down to go to bed is a normal human reaction…it’s also not remotely helpful. Especially when he’s out of his routine, not in his usual bed and his parents are away. People can bleat on about “discipline” all they want but there are other options than shouting at small children to get them to comply. They are more effective and just more enjoyable for everyone involved.

OP the overnight stay was clearly too much for him. I’d say no overnight stays for the time being. Does that mean the GPs can’t be left alone with the child? I wouldn’t remotely think so. It just looks like DS isn’t ready for overnights and GPs don’t really have the patience to navigate that level of childcare, which is different to taking him to the zoo for the day by themselves for example.

Is it possible that DW's response is because she knows, deep down, that you left a very young child for too long?

Whose idea was the trip and the babysitting arrangements? How keen was each of you to go? How did you prepare DS for being left?

It’s a bit rich you saying that then banging on about the kid being shouted at.

The OP said he was firmly told. Not that Granny shouted at him.

Is your Mum often in the habit of minimising your concerns?

Trauma is a very over used word.

It’s hard to judge. My 5 year old son is very sensitive to being ‘told off’. I have quite frequently heard him telling DH that my family members have shouted at him, and he doesn’t want to see them again. DH gets him back up, but have often witnessed what’s actually happened, and it’s been very minor.

Well if they do it's nothing to do with me mate! I just wouldn't want to have to get angry when I'm supposed to be calming someone down.

It's another world for some people. First time DH and I went away for a weekend without any of our DC was when DC3 was 12 and "babysat" by 21 year old DC2 who was still living at home at this point. Time was when child free romantic breaks away waited until your DC were older, not toddlers. 🤷‍♀️

I agree if you leave a child in the care of someone else then child has to conform to their rules - obviously within reasonable parameters (no smacking a child or screaming at them). If you don’t like those rules don’t leave your child with that person. It’s that simple.

Doesn't really matter what caused it, he's clearly not ready for overnights this young. Try again when he's older and able to tell you whats happened in a clearer way.

Again with the hyperbole…I wasn’t “banging on about” anything 🙄

The OP said GRANNY dismissively said “Oh he’s being silly, he was messing about at bedtime and was firmly told to go to bed”. That’s Granny’s version of events. Maybe that’s completely accurate. Maybe “being firmly told” involved shouting. We simply don’t know. She’s unlikely to say “Oh yeah that, I gave him right bollocking” & a 3 year old isn’t exactly a reliable narrator.

My point is…it doesn’t actually matter that much. Whatever happened has made an impression on the boy, so he clearly isn’t ready for overnights with grandparents. It really doesn’t have to be analysed more than that.

This