DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

Does 3 yr old want to go back to granny and grandads?

I think dw is deflecting. She feels guilty and is trying to blame your parents.

This is beyond ridiculous. If you get cross at a child for dicking around you “can’t cope with having him for a couple of nights”?

Honestly threads like this make it clear why the behaviour in schools is so atrocious.

Speaking sternly to a child for being cheeky and messing about when you are caring for them for days in place of a parent doesn’t mean you can’t cope for god sake. Some children are clearly allowed to do whatever they want at all times and any alternative is traumatising.

@petruk2002 can you confirm the details?

Your OP says you went away for the weekend with your DH and your DW is upset about what happened while you were away.

Are you in a throuple?

The child is 3 . You are being very dramatic.

Getting cross at a 3 year old is counter productive. Showing you are cross shows loss of control.
3 year olds don't respond well to anger they work better with positive reinforcement and guidance.
This has nothing to do with school .

So true.

And the kids being away from parents for a few days can make everything look bigger,, worse, scarier. It's best to let things settle for a few days before making rush decisions. And if dw don't want op's babysitting that's fine as long as they get to see their GC. But again, be careful. You can't take words back. You may say that and 2 days later kid says he absolutely enjoyed being with grab and wants another sleep over. Or you just realise it was blow out of proportion and you need them to babysit as you are desperate for their help.
Absolutely trust and protect your kids op. But also tread carefully

If it’s the first time you’ve left him it could be that too?

This is a mountain out of a molehill. Do you even know your mum? Surely you trust her enough to leave your child for days. So why so much distrust now?

Sounds as if your child is just being a 3 year old who didn’t like being told what to do. I’d focus your energy more here than on your mother. Either way if your wife isn’t happy then no more sleepovers but I think it’s an overreaction.

And you are absolutely sur the separation anxiety was due to your mil and that particular incident? Am asking cos most kids get separation anxiety. In some it can last years. In others it's days or weeks. So am impressed by your absolute ability to trace it to your mil being firm with your kid and not as part of Development trajectory

Having read more, a grandparent being visibly cross with a THREE year old who is sleeping over without the comfort of their parents, is bang out of order. And your mum saying a toddler is 'being dramatic' instead of being concerned about them or reflecting on their actions says it all. I wouldn't leave your child with her again unsupervised either.

I think that ds is clingy because he was left for a few nights and doesn’t know if it’s going to happen again. This is normal and not a sign that something bad happened - he missed his mum and dad.

I’d expect a 3 year old to also be hyper and silly at bedtime because it’s not mum or dad doing it. This is normal.

I would reconsider future babysitting because ds is clearly bothered that he was told off days later. The fact that it didn’t blow over his head makes me wonder how stern your mum was. She’s not unreasonable to tell ds to stop mucking around but I assume it’s not how you or your wife says it si it was probably harsher than he’s used to.

Supervising time spent with your son is a reasonable compromise.

Why are you confused? It's very clear. The grandparents looked after the child, he is upset and unsettled and his mum is also upset.

I don't think anyone's advocating for getting angry with a 3 year old as an effective parenting technique, but have you not had a 3 year old? Did you really take everything they said that happened to them when you're away from them at face value, e.g. if they said they hadn't been given any dinner at their childminders or no-one played with them at nursery as absolutely and definitively true and react accordingly?

I think what those of us that are saying talk of trauma and anxiety is a massive overreaction are meaning is that even if the grandmother's reaction was non optimal or not what the parents would have done, even if she did 'lose control' that's still in most circumstances quite a normal and ordinary thing to happen and won't have done the child any harm long term. Most of us don't parent our toddlers completely perfectly 100% of the time, sometimes we do even get cross with them and the kids are still fine at the end of the day. So in the absence of any suggestion of actual abuse OP and the DW/H should probably just relax, hug the child and not worry?

I trusted my mum because she parented me. I knew if she told DD off then it was justified.

She did tell her off a few times. I'm sure DD thought she was cross. I was fine with it, and would also have told DD off for the same behaviours.

Mum died when DD was five. I am so, so sad that she isn't still here, telling now 13 yo DD off when her behaviour warrants it.

The clinginess is normal after leaving them for a few nights.

Bit OT but 'cross' is such a retro word, been ages since I've come across it!

It sounds as though she did scare him. So even if your mum didn't intend to she clearly did.
Are you sure she didn't shout or that she wasn't harsh? I think it's only natural that an excited 3 year to be a bit giddy at bedtime when he is staying overnight with grandparents, he might have also been a bit scared and missing home. Being harsh and firm was probably not the correct approach.
I am a grandparent and have told my grandchildren off before but they have never told their parents that I have scared them.
I doubt your son will be harmed for life though!

I get why she may be concerned but on the flip side I once witnessed my amazing mum who is an awesome grandma tell my toddler DD off very gently about not hitting her baby brother ... toddler came and told me nanny shouted and was angry at her hahaha . When I explained I saw nanny tell her not to hit baby brother her face dropped and she quickly said sorry to nanny and ran off! Sometimes they can exaggerate their feelings but depends if you trust your parents.

Your child is reacting like this and trying to make sense of their world and experience because they've been left. It's fine to leave them with loving caring family but you shouldn't expect it to have no impact at 3 years old

So what exactly should a grandparent do when faced with a rowdy child at bedtime other than use a firmer tone with them? The grandparents were, for three days, in loco parentis, they had an obligation to look after the child as their parents would have in the same situation.

Completely agree. My sister is a teacher and the kids who don't know how to behave and disrupt lessons are always the ones with parents who are over the top about them being told what to do in any way shape or form, be it firm or gentle.

Good luck OP when your child starts school. You can't shield them from everything. It's outrageous that grandparents looked after a child for days and now are getting shit thrown at them about it.

Some of these responses are nuts. If this is the first time anybody has spoken firmly to your three-year-old, good luck to his future teachers because they will need it.

The appropriate response is to buy your parents a nice gift for the massive favour they did you.

I don't think you need to do anything. Don't arrange any more overnights for now. Wait till the dust settles and 3 year old has got over the clingyness, see what he's like with granny. Maybe just do 1 night next time, if 3 year old wants to go. Try and do it regularly so he's used to it before doing more than a night at a time. If your wife doesn't want him going there then he can't, obviously, but I don't think this incident justifies demands for an apology from your mum.

My 3 year old is always clingy if I even miss bedtime. I think it's normal (at least for some children - my older child wasn't really like that).

You know your own mother and what the extremes of her parenting were like. It's unlikely she's been any different to what she was like with you. Parents then were firmer and less understanding of toddler emotions but it's not going to cause trauma.

It's amazing how it's the young people from the generation which first experienced all this gentle parenting who have all the MH problems. Are they also perhaps the first generation whose parents thought they were perfectly entitled to go away and leave very young children for days on end?

Exactly that. Just stick to being there for now.

Your parents' feelings are neither here nor there, at the end of the day. Your son is the most important thing.

Whatever they did clearly didn't work for your child, it made him feel unsettled and he came back saying they were cross with him. I doubt that he is actually traumatised, but it still doesn't sound great.

What's worse is that your parents seem unwilling to acknowledge it. If they made more effort then it would be better, but saying a 3 year old is 'being a bit dramatic' and you are being 'silly' is disrespectful, and completely missing the point.

When transitioning to a different carer for a few nights, they should be making every effort to stick with the style of caring that he is used to at home. It's hard enough at that age being away from parents.

Until they can look after him more appropriately they shouldn't be having him alone for sleepovers. It clearly isn't working for your son.

Whatever their opinions about parenting - fine - but unless they're prepared look after your son in the way you and your wife ask them to, you shouldn't be leaving him with them.

No I don’t think these people are parents yet. I’m in my 30s and my parents were still strict 90s parenting