DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

I'd make DW solely responsible for finding a babysitter in the future. If they don't want your mum babysitting.

I think that it's all a bit over the top. A raised voice happened. The child wasn't shouted at or hit. DC is bound to be a bit clingy after an overnight. That's normal 3 year old behaviour.

I'd think that being clingy and crying would be a normal response for a lot of 3 year olds when spending a few days away from parents. It's most likely due to the separation from you, and not because of anything Granny did.

Personally, a few nights would be too long for our children at that age, I would only do a night. All depends on the child but they might be showing signs of upset now as they just don’t want you to leave them for that long and they aren’t comfortable with it yet. It’s very unfamiliar to them if they only do occasional sleepovers and 3 days or more is a long time for a 3 year old, regardless of how well they are looked after

Are you one of those that thinks a 3 year old shouldn’t have any manners then ?

I think it’s likely that the 3 days was too much for him. Maybe don’t leave him again until he’s older ?

Your parents have done you a massive favour by looking after your child.

He is 3 and probably can’t underyor articulate why he is clingy. It is probably being left by you for a few days. My ex wife and I would never have left our children for that long with anyone else, and they do have a loving grannie (my ex’s mother).

I would hate to be a grandparent in today’s climate where they are both used for free childcare and then judged on how they look after their grandchild.

It is really sad as they will either not be allowed to see their grandchild unsupervised or be walking on tenterhooks when they do.

*understand or articulate

I wouldn't be going away overnight without him for another couple of years and certainly not for a few nights.

I'd do sleepovers with you there so he calms down.

Sometimes we stay in my DM but get out for a nice dinner and she babysits. Is this an option?

If the child says they don't want to sleep over there anymore then they shouldn't be forced. But I'm sure they'll get over it.

I'd say getting 'cross' with a child when you're trying to get them to calmly go to sleep isn't really that sensible. Whoever is the related parent should just maybe speak to Granny about how to get him to sleep in a calm way.

I'd imagine it'll be ok. But being told off for not immediately falling asleep on command in a strange house isn't exactly fun is it? Kids need comforting, soothing things for bedtime.

Your DS is going to have people getting 'cross' with them all the time. From nursery workers to playgroup attendees, to a supermarket assistant when he gets in her way. I think being traumatised by 'cross granny' is unlikely. More likely that small child was unsettled at being away from home for a longer than usual time without parents and granny having to be authoritative to prevent bad behaviour.
How was granny supposed to deal with a child being awkward? Sit smilingly while said child rampaged? A bit of the word 'no' and some sharp tones really don't traumatise children, although it might make them a little bit unsettled for a while as they come to terms with having to behave differently in different settings (which is usual, they can't behave at school as they do at home, for example).

3 is very young and I’d expect bedtime to the tricky time with mum and dad away - tough on them and they are going to be upset and it might look like they are playing up. Getting cross doesn’t seem like a suitable approach to a child being upset at night without its parents?

as for lasting damage, they might not be so keen on granny for a good while!!! A relative of mine was like this to my DS and it took years to fix as he forever thought of them as someone who “didn’t listen ever”.

but lasting damage psychologically, I wouldn’t be too worried. My kids are a bit out of sorts when I go away for work, they are delighted I’m back but emotions can be a bit out of the ordinary.

@BobbyBiscuits But being told off for not immediately falling asleep on command in a strange house isn't exactly fun is it?

The post doesn’t remotely suggest this though, you’ve just made that up.

The GM said the child was being cheeky and he was told firmly to settle down.

I actually feel really cross for the GPs and the child.

GPs did a huge favour. Child is upset because he was left by his parents. And the parents want to make it someone else's fault, and have them apologise without even considering it was leaving the boy that's "traumatised" him.

Perhaps you and your DW (or DH or whichever it is) traumatised your three year old by abandoning him for several nights. Not sure why you’d blame the grandparents Who did you a massive favour. You can’t expect everyone to parent in the exact way you do. If you can’t back them up don’t leave your child with them.

Can’t really offer advice as our grandchild gets away with anything here 😁

I’ve never been firm at bedtime, though. It’s very relaxed with lots of books and hot chocolate/milk until he’s sleepy.

I think that’s what nights at grandparents’ house ought to be.

But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too

Fine. No more swanning off for 3 days on your own then. 🤷‍♀️

Omg if you leave your small child for several days with a different care giver of course they are going to be extra clingy. Your DW sounds ungrateful and frankly unhinged. Perhaps suggest you don't leave your child for days on end in future.

@Makebettermen That’s a fair point, and I’m not ignoring it I do think us going away could have unsettled him, and I’ll talk to DW about that. It’s possible that a combination of us leaving and Granny being a bit firm made him more sensitive than usual.

I think the key thing is making sure he feels safe and comfortable, whether that means no more sleepovers for now or just handling things differently next time. If DW really doesn’t want my parents babysitting alone again, I’ll respect that. I just don’t want to throw my parents under the bus when it might not have been entirely their fault. Maybe a bit of a reset is needed all round.

Well the kid was scared. That's not very nice when you're trying to go to sleep is it?

How long is is “a few nights”? I’d say if 3 nights or more that’s a bit long to leave a 3 year old with elderly/aging relatives especially if he’s not been left before. I don’t think they should have spoken sternly to him about manners, particularly at bedtime when he was probably feeling a bit unsettled in your absence. But saying that, he absolutely won’t be traumatised! Children are resilient and it takes a lot more than this to create trauma in them.
When my mum looked after my DC when they were little she didn’t have them for more than a night and she tried to make it as fun as possible to create nice memories for them and also so they’d want to go back. Unless it was something dangerous she wouldn’t have spoken to them harshly at all. “Cheekiness” would have been brushed off.

Exactly this

Very fair response OP.

@petruk2002 the combination is likely to be far more you leaving and then a different routine with your parents and yes sleepovers need to be kept back before moving forward again as it has clearly and understandably unsettled him

who wanted the time away? Did your DW feel
comfortable with it before

You’ve made that up as well.

Kids are notorious for saying things like "the teacher shouted at me" when the teacher merely raised their voice and spoke in firm tones to the whole class. I wouldn't be too worried about that. I would ask DS to explain more about why Granny was cross, but it's quite easy to see that a child playing up at bedtime wouldn't get pandering to from some GPs. My mum would never brook any nonsense but it wasn't harmful or distressing, she was just quite firm about bedtime etc.

I think three days was perhaps a bit long for a first time away from parents and one night sleepovers are better to get young children used to it and ease them in before multiple nights.

Absolutely agree with this