DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

Lol I'm 53 so got a few years yet

Your child is a little clingy and unsettled because you were away for a few days. Not the end of the world and don’t feel bad just because mumsnetters don’t believe in leaving their child overnight till they are 16 😏.

Your mum got ‘cross’ with him. So what? It’s allowed. Based only on what you’ve said, and as long is there is no other relevant context or previous off behaviour from them that you haven’t explained, your DW is being over the top. yanbu.

What shouting? From the OP:

she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent.

Even the firmly. Why? Kids who are typically well behaved start to play up if they’re over tired or anxious. Or even over excited. There are positive ways of dealing with that. You shouldn’t need to get cross to deal with behaviour.

So now you aren't allowed to be firm with children or it's "abusive"?

What's wrong with firmly? I manage to be firm without raising my voice or being angry. And so will DGD's nursery staff have done, and her reception teacher now.

There's no point in me saying 'okay, that's enough, it's time to get in bed' and clearly not really meaning it.
There are very few rules at my house, but she knows what they are and accepts them because I've been calm but firm about establishing them.

She also loves coming here, and loves me.

The clingy sort of behaviour can happen because of other big changes like starting nursery or school because their brains are trying to process everything. Staying with granny without you and his mum is a massive change for him and it’s not surprising that he’s clingy until things settle again.

I would say you're talking out of the top of your hat. Learning to adapt to different treatment , regimes etc is a life skill which needs to begin as soon as child goes over the front door... anywhere , anyone else is different from home.

it's not GPs job to be the disciplinarian in the child's life. - but when the parents have gone away for a few days and the GPs are in loco parentis, they have no choice but to exercise discipline if this becomes necessary.

If someone is in your care then it is your job to discipline and ultimately keep them safe. You're saying they can do as they please anywhere except home.

If all they did was what they said they did then I’d not be concerned. My aunt (my mums youngest sister) babysat my younger sister once and she was probably only about 3 or 4 as not yet at school. My aunt had to let my sister phone my mum to come get her because she decided my aunt was mean to her (she wasn’t, my sister just couldn’t cope with someone else telling her off).

Wow, I think the exact opposite! Grandparents - and anyone else trusted with looking after a 3 year old - should be allowed to have a few stern words with the child if they think it is necessary. There is no suggestion they shouted or smacked him. I think this is where parents start to go wrong - the world is not going to be all fluffy to their child forever and neither should it be!

Are you and DW/DH/whoever going to acknowledge that leaving a 3 year old with other people for a few nights may have played a big part in said child being upset on their return?

It's very difficult to be sure what happened. Just leaving him for a few days would be enough to make a three year old unsettled (not permanently traumatised-just clingy and unsettled). He is also very young to be sure what he means by "Granny was cross".
I think the most sensible course of action is not to leave him overnight again for a while. Start small with a few hours with grandparent during the day and then sleeping there for one night but being picked up the following morning-a sort of gradual desensitisation next time you attempt to leave him.
Has he ever had a babysitter in his own house?.
I would let things settle with your wife too before discussing it again, for now I would just say that he's probably a bit young to be left.
The only thing that slightly concerns me is your Mum saying that he was being dramatic. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has scared him though.

The child didn’t say firm. That’s not how they interpreted it.

'Granny was cross' could easily be a phrase MIL herself uses and he is parroting back.

I often say 'don't do X or mummy will be cross'. Doesn't mean she did get cross with him.

But really I don't understand why children can't learn that bad behaviour makes people cross.

Pause the sleepovers until your DS is a bit older, more resilient and can adapt better to a change in carer. Highly unlikely that he’s suffered any lasting trauma, but being 3 and away from home without you for that long is no doubt the real driver of the upset. The firm words from granny were just trigger.

He's 3! I doubt that the word firm is even in his vocabulary in that context.

My mum raised me and my siblings. I'm not traumatised. Maybe she shouted at me as a three year old, honestly who knows.

But honestly I think it's normal for a small kid to be unsettled after a few days without parents there, I think wife is overreacting and honestly, I'm not even sure what she wants to happen? All you've got is an unsettled toddler and probably a baffled granny who will be really upset to know that people reckon putting a small, unsettled child to bed has made his mother "furious".

What actions are people suggesting other than having words with granny? Exactly what will that achieve?

Wow do you have children? Have you never been cross with your children? For the love of god. Some people are just bonkers

Your wife is overreacting and your pandering to her won’t help in the long run

They are right though... yes we are human and there will be times we may lose our rag, however there's still better ways of dealing with children.