DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

The fact that your here asking for advice and not just taking what your parents say is great .
My DH would ...and did just brush off things like this
My in-laws ,so childrens grandparents ....actually smacked them hard a few times when they were naked in the garden around age 9 or 10.
And I was seen as over reacting because I was upset ,that they were naked in the garden and upset they were hit .
The children themselves stopped going to stay soon after
So it's great your supporting your wife

Your earlier post still claimed twice as though it was a certainty that she shouted at him when you’ve no evidence of this.

So yes. A bit rich.

However I agree that he’s not ready - as I said earlier it’s likely a bit much for him.

I'd handle it by not going away without DS again. Not for several years. He has been upset by them, who knows whether it was justified/frustration/whatever. You're never going to find out. Move on, help your DS to forget about it and do not leave him with them overnight for some time. He isn't ready to be without one of you overnight, that's all there is to it.

I’m aware it wasn’t “overnight”, but as the OP hasn’t said specifically how long I’ve just used the shorthand of saying “overnight stays” as we are discussing a bedtime situation. It’s really irrelevant whether it was one night or one week. OP knows how long it was and now knows it was too much for their son and possibly Granny too.

Yes, the OP hasn't yet clarified whether they're the husband or the wife, or if it's one of those polyamorous threpules or whatever the fuck they're called. 🤷‍♀️

Traumatised? Your 3yo was cheeky, your mum handled it. If she hadn't been firm and your 3yo was then up until 3am, your DH/W would be moaning that your mum didn't respect your rules and routines.

I never claimed anything was a certainty. It’s just easier to use straight forward language.

This is a PERFECT example of what I was talking about. It’s arguing pointless semantics. Whether she “shouted” or “firmly told him”…same difference FFS. It really doesn’t matter. In the 3 year old eyes it’s the same thing.

It is impossible to know quite what happened but a three year old is going to be clingy after their parents go away and children can quite easily describe words as being ‘cross’ when they really mean that the adult said No firmly. It is good for DC to be subject to a range of adults and their styles, after all they will be at school before long. It builds resilience. The important thing is whether the GPs love your child, whether your child loves them and whether you and your OH trust them.

Any 3 year old is going to be clingy after being a couple of days without his parents.

It really isn’t a major issue - he’s not traumatised.

@petruk2002 I think it’s a mix of being left away from home and also your parent being to hard at bed time . Dc would have needed re assuring and to feel safe .
Not being away from their parents and shouted at especially around bed time .

If you and your parents can’t agree on the same parenting style then no your dc shouldn’t be left again.

It’s not semantics no. You made something up and I pointed it out.

You said “she shouted at him” as though you knew this when that isn’t established and nor is it the same so yes actually it does matter.

It’s also not “straightforward language”. It’s making something up. A slight bit different.

Good grief, no wonder we are going to have a namby-pamby generation of children.

He is 3 years old I am not minimising his upset but being told to go to bed because you are out of home routine is sort of saying he missed his parents isn't it ?

All the parents can do is not let the kid stay there again his mum Is too "furious," with her Mil to maybe see the bigger picture.

My DGD is so used to having a lovely time at mine, and us enjoying each other's company without any drama, that if I even quietly and calmly correct her, she's shocked and goes into herself somewhat. And I promise you that I am not remotely a shouter. I've never even come close to raising my voice.

I can quite imagine her saying that I was cross or even shouted, had she been away from her parents for several days and feeling a bit insecure.

I’ve looked after my GDs for two days a week since they were babies with no issues. However as soon as their parents wanted to go out for an evening the girls kicked off big time. The older one accused me of shouting and said she didn’t like me babysitting, but I was behaving no differently than during the day when I looked after them. They just didn’t want their parents to go out! Kids are very good at manipulating situations, even 3 year olds!
I expect the little one was upset at having been left with grandparents, but parents surely need a bit of time off.

You can "subject" children to a variety of adults and their styles without leaving them overnight when very young , though. From toddlerhood, my DB and I were variously babysat by my Nan (Mum's mother), Nan's sister, a neighbour Mum was good friends with, Gran (Dad's mum), various aunts and uncles on my dad's side (he's one of five). Also other female neighbours that my mum was friendly with. This was just for nights out - my parents never went away overnight when we were children.

I’m disgusted that your DW wants to chastise and blame your parents for her son being clingy after she happily dumped him on them for several days just so you could both go away on a jolly.

Of course he’s going to be upset. His main care giver’s just fucked off and left him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Being firm with a toddler is not the same as literally shouting at them and you must be aware of which course of action they most probably took. I’m firm with my grandchildren if they they’re messing about too much or do something silly or dangerous, but I don’t need to raise my voice.

Mine would not be there again without me. I know exactly how this can happen. That doesn’t mean it did happen in your case, but it did in ours.

To add a child's perspective.

I was sent away from home at two and a half to stay with an aunt several hundred miles away, because my mother was hospitalised during pregnancy with my brother and my dad had to work. I stayed with my aunt for about two weeks, until my brother arrived and mum was allowed home.

My aunt got cross with me once. I wanted to fetch the milk bottles in off the step and she was afraid I would drop them on the hall carpet. So I wasn't allowed to carry the full milk bottles. I remember, very clearly, having a complete strop about it and telling everyone when I got home that I didn't like my aunt as she was cross.

Quite clearly I was not traumatised, just annoyed at being told I wasn't allowed to do something, and I remembered it for - well, over sixty years now. Not because of trauma, but because it was unusual and beyond my ordinary. (I loved that aunt very much, although I certainly didn't like her when she wouldn't let me carry the milk bottles!)

Has he stayed with them for as long before? He was probably just missing you so took it to heart more. He may have brushed it off if you or your dw had spoken to him in exactly the same way. He may also have been stewing over it a bit when left to sleep, whereas if it had happened during the day he'd have seen it was no big deal as the grandmother would have moved on. Things seem worse at night.

Did your parents smack you as a child? Is there a chance they have done this to DS?

At 3 years old sleeping in a different house without parents usually means they won't sleep well.
So if they couldn't cope with having him for a couple of nights without getting cross (whatever that actually entailed) then they obviously shouldn't have him over night .

100% agree...

Probably easier for the DW to think it was the GP's that were at fault rather than an alternative reason where she might have contributed to LO becoming clingy and upset.

You are going to be in for a very rough road if you think speaking firmly is traumatising.

Looking forward to seeing your posts in a few short years when your child rules the roost, throws things at you, tells you to fuck off and kicks holes in doors.

I wonder how many of those who post asking for help with out of control children wish they had done a bit of firm speaking in earlier years.

Do you write fiction for a living?