DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

My mum was quite dismissive when I mentioned it, along the lines of “Oh, don’t be silly, he was just being a bit dramatic,” which didn’t help matters. I don’t think she’d ever intentionally scare him, but I don’t think she realises how a firm tone can come across to a little one.

This was my MIL's attitude towards our DD being unable to settle when she spent the night there once as a small child. Our DD developed acute separation anxiety as the result of what happened and for a few years afterwards we could never leave her to go out, not even with my mum who had a gentler approach. So listen to your partner and also listen to what your mum is telling you – she doesn't care that your son was distressed that "Granny was cross" when it obviously scared him. I wouldn't be letting him stay over based on that.

Were you hit or shouted at as a child? There are significant numbers of grandparents who revert straight back to how they were at their worst as soon as they're actually having to tell a GC what to do, rather than just be the supplier of cuddles and sweets.

There are also those who sound more authoritative from experience with kids claiming they were scary or shouted when what they actually did was say no, for fairness, but you know more about what they were like when tired/stressed and suchlike than we do.

Do you trust that your mum said it in a firm voice or did she shout?

I've mixed feelings on this, toddler shouldnt be coming home scared and granny shouldnt have scared child either. Also all the people saying about grandparents should be able to parent how they want.... erm no. Grandparents were obviously happy to do this so if they didnt feel capable they shouldve said no.

That being said its normal for a child to be clingy when away from parents and home comforts and it's not going to do any lasting damage but he won't be keen on granny for a while.
I think it probably wouldnt hurt to mention to your mum what child said and ask for more context, its your child you are allowed to ask more info.

DW sounds like your typical namby pamby ‘gentle parent’ who tolerates messing about as ‘expressing himself’ and is looking for an excuse to dislike your mother.

i must admit that I thought this too. If your wife is going to hit the roof about anyone else having a different approach to looking after children, then I’m afraid you need to stay at home and look after your son yourself. And, as others have said. It’s as likely as not that the clingy behaviour is as a result of your having been away without him than your mum being a bit firmer with him. It’s also not a bad thing for kids to learn that people are different and have different ways; not all teachers at school will have the same style, for example. My DD loves her rather sarcastic maths teacher and finds him hilarious - her friend finds it all a bit unsettling and prefers the English teacher with her “great job!” approach (while, in turn, my DD finds that all a bit irritating). Horses for courses sometimes. Doesn’t mean anyone has done anything “wrong”.

A lot of the replies on the thread are mind boggling. 3 yrs too young to be told firmly to calm down? Don't let grandparents have him alone again? Don't leave him with family as he's a bit clingy when you come back after a few days away?
I consider myself a laid back parent (my own parents certainly think I'm too soft) but my god. Wet lettuce behaviour.

Well done grandma, actually sticking to a bedtime. I expect in 10 years time they will have 1000% more respect for their grandma than their mother ... and the mother will be on here saying they can't control their teenager....

It’s weird to me that they were dismissive and I think that’s a red flag that theres more to the story. If I told DM she’d upset DD she would be sad and sorry, even if it wasn’t on purpose or even if she had been totally reasonable in telling her off. She wouldn’t say don’t be silly. She loves her DGD and wants her to visit as much as possible, and to have a good relationship, so she’d be keen to figure out how to manage any poor behaviour in a constructive way that wasn’t scary to dd.

as ever people complaining about gentle parenting don’t understand gentle parenting,
and as ever a mother trying to do the best for her child is always just being overbearing or ‘looking for an excuse’ to do something horrible to others, like cut out the mil for no good reason.

I do think events like this can really bother a child, they were away from their parents and scared, and instead of comfort they were told off. I think your dw is right and there should be no more overnights for a while to let the dust settle

A three yr old is likely clingy because you've been away for a few days more than anything but I wouldn't dismiss that your mother likely scared him a bit as well.
I would see how your toddler is with grandma when you visit next time, if she really traumatised him he will likely act different with you there.
Your wife's emotional response could be partly due to a bit of mummy guilt as well.

Oh for pity's sake! Do you not correct your child at home? Do you not tell him to settle down? lack of corrections at this age will have a lasting impact and create a completly unruly child later on.
Personally i take my hat off to GM!
Its also perfectly normal to have a slightly clingy child if youve been away for a little bit!
crumbs- i used to be clingy when mum came home from work! let alone a night away!

Did he enjoy going to see GPs before? How is he if you suggest all of you going for tea or going to the park together ? Does he still want to go?

Obviously you'll know better than me what sort of granny she is, but on the basis you were both happy to leave him with with her , I'd be prepared to bet it's no more than a lively and perhaps unsettled child being told firmly to settle down. If you think your mother should apologise for that you have a long road ahead.

Being upset about something is not trauma.

Look at the trending thread called "Traumatised by mum hitting teacher" - that is a traumatic experience for a child.

Being cared for by familiar grandparents and perhaps being told off in a mild way is not traumatic. It's OK for children to experience being upset sometimes and does not cause lasting damage.

I seriously think social media and reels have completely scrambled everyone's sense of perspective sometimes.

I don't think that it was appropriate for your parents to be stern with your DS on his first sleepover when he would be feeling a bit anxious. I can see why your DW is concerned about leaving him with your parents again if they are 'old school' and don't believe in gentle parenting. The difference in approach would have been a shock to your child. The fact that you mum was dismissive when you mentioned that your DS was upset isn't great. If I was told that I had upset my grandchild, I would be upset, not dismissive.

If he was scared it's far more likely because his parents left him than because a loving granny told him it was time to settle down.

I’d think, at that age, your child would have been scared staying away for the first time without parents, whether granny asked him to settle down at bedtime or not.

One of the problems with kids today is that they do t have resilience modelled to them.

Is "gentle parenting" compatible with leaving a child for several days?. Can you have it both ways?

This type of ridiculous reaction from the Wife is exactly why there are children everywhere with no resilience, snowflakey woke attitudes and behaviour problems.
Get a grip. Your 3 year old misbehaved and was told to stop it by Grandma. They are not "traumatised" (which by the way completely minimises the feelings and experiences of people who go through genuine real trauma)
It's the lack of correction and discipline that has a lasting impact.
We'll see you back here when the child is a teen and you've completely lost control of their behaviour shall we?!

Well the child told OP that he was upset because 'Granny was cross' not because mummy and daddy went away.

This is what I was trying to say but in a nicer/gentler way. I really think it's a massive overreaction to think he's been traumatized/given anxiety or caused attachment issues or any such lifelong issues.

Kids at this age really, really aren't good at understanding and then explaining back adult emotions/reactions and it's very common for them to say that someone shouted or was cross when in reality they were just being firmly but appropriately corrected for bad behaviour. They're such little ego-maniacs at that age that they tend not to react well at all to being made to feel shame/regret for their actions, which is not a reason to never correct their behaviour, just a way to understand why they can have a wild over reaction to a mild tell-off! It's also very normal and very age-appropriate for him to be clingy when you come back after leaving him for a while, again at this age they're just working through the idea of people having separate lives to them and leaving/coming back/transitions generally make them feel quite big and unmanageable emotions. Again doesn't mean you have to have them stuck to you 24/7 or risk lifelong trauma, maybe in hindsight 3 days was a bit much (probably realistically a bit much for granny as much as for him) and you build up to it a bit more next time but please don't take a 3 year old being a bit whiny and clingy as a reason to disrupt or upset a loving grandparent relationship, that really does risk lifelong issues TBH!

I wouldn't say anything to your Mum now other than profuse thanks for looking after him, let your DW/H feel upset if she wants (it may have been quite emotionally challenging for him/her too if it was the first overnight away), next time perhaps just do one overnight and agree some ground rules with your mum if that would make your OH feel more comfortable?

Yes this a child is going to clingy if their parents are around, they usually bounce back however no child has ever been traumatised with being asked to behave appropriately,

It sounds normal, a young child in an unusual (or new) situation is susceptible to being upset because the circumstances are different to what they are used to.

Keep an eye on it though, if there is a repeated pattern then it becomes more likely that abuse is going on. Most abuse is done by a family member because they think they are able to get away with it (and often are).

Becuase he's 3years old and can't articulate that he was feeling abandoned.

Maybe he's too young to be staying with his grandparents for "a few days".
Children do get clingy when they've been left somewhere for a while. Even my cats get clingy when I come back from a couple of days away.
Who knows what actually went on and "Granny was cross" could mean anything from just being a bit firm to him about bedtime or being very angry.
Don't leave him there overnight again until he's a bit older.

It’s clearly also shared by several posters. No wonder so many kids are badly adjusted.

Apparently you can’t tell a child to settle down if they’re anxious.

Ofcourse you can. You can still reiterate you understand that things are different and that they will be back home soon while expecting them to behave.

Not that long ago the response to “granny was cross” would have “Did you behave ?”

If I was told that I had upset my grandchild, I would be upset, not dismissive

Would that not entirely depend on why the child was upset. Surely, if you ran around the house chasing them with a saucepan threatening to hit them then that’s a valid concern as to why a child was upset. Telling them to settle down and go to sleep at bedtime, not so much. Trying to avoid kids getting upset at all, over normal reasonable things, is doing them no favours.

It depends on what actually happened.

If your child was anxious at bedtime, and was upset or having hard time settling down, then granny should have tried to reassure him, not get cross.

But if he was genuinely being cheeky, and she had to get a bit firmer with him, then that's fine, and is probably more to do with the difference between her parenting style and yours. It probably just came as a bit of a shock to him, if he's not used to someone being firm with him. To say it's traumatising is overly dramatic.

He'll be clingy because you were away for a few days.