DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

I think PP means the entitled parents

Oh wow I used to have DGC for a few days at a time. . She was looked after exactly the same as my own DC who was four years older. . So no messing about,poor manners etc

And I certainly wasn't bloody aging BTW. Not all grandparents are doddery 80 year olds

Agreed, but a lot of society still have this mindset that children are these little manipulative dictators despite what neuroscience says.

I did. But before very long the ds will be entitled too if this pandering carries on.

Meant to attach this quote.

Teaching good manners starts earlier than 3! A 3 year old is in nursery and getting ready to start school. Of course it's not too strict to expect a child to say please and thank you!

I think maybe he did know that she was a bit cross but also maybe he was a bit unsettled staying away for you for the first time for a few days. Maybe a but of both. It's difficult to know but I'd take his lead. Is he still happy to spend time with his grandparents? Does he seem his normal self with them and is interacting with them how he would always do? If so, then I don't think you've got anything to worry about. If he is reluctant to see them then I'd be a bit more wary of leaving him again with them right now but I'd also be conscious it could just be that be missed you both and would have been unsettled whoever he stayed with.

So I do think it’s a bit worrying as my kids always come back happy from being spoiled at grandparents. It’s a bit young for them to be so strict. However I don’t think that your DH / DW / whoever should be angry at them per se. They need to just accept that the in laws’ style of looking after children is very different and not suitable for unsupervised or overnights just yet. Just don’t ask them to do a sleepover again until the child is a bit older. There doesn’t have to be a big outburst or falling out. If they ask to have him again overnight, all it takes is “Sorry after last time it really threw out his routine and he was very clingy afterwards, we are going to wait a bit until the next one if that’s ok”.

It’s a 3 year old! 3 year olds aren’t entitled.

For goodness sake children learn at an early age what is acceptable and what's not at different places and soon learn how to adapt their behaviour accordingly. Nothing to do with old school or even being grandparents. Simply someone different. Making far too much of what amounts to different dealings.

Luckily as grandparents we have 3 double beds. We've ended up with one child in with grandpa while the other was with nana. They get anxious

They’re clingy and sad because you left them alone. Jeez - traumatised? Get a grip

I'm going to be looking after my 11 month old gd next week for a couple of days while dd1 does her KIT days. I am a bit worried that she will judge me and find me wanting though I absolutely adore my gd and would never harm her in any way. She has told dm that she is concerned I may not change her nappy often enough! I have had 4 dc and they never had a problem with nappy rash. I really hope she is kind to me.

I’m just wondering what kind of parenting is going on at home that firm boundaries is traumatic. What’s the world going to be like in the future with all these grown up kids who are traumatised by ridiculous things 🤷‍♀️ 🤯

Grandparent here. Has he ever stayed at theirs overnight before? Does he visit and stay for a long day on his own?
My GC are 5 and 2 and I look after them both (but usually it's just one of them so the other gets 121 parent time) and for
short frequent periods of time (I live nearby) .
I reckon another year and I'll try a single overnight with the 5 YO first. I do an afterschool pick up every week and he's used to being at mine.
I did a long full day with just the 2YO recently and I was exhausted after (!) and I have no health issues in my 60's.

I think it's just a case of it was a lovely idea at the time but the reality was GP's were shattered by bedtime and toddler was unsettled as 3 nights away is a lot if it's not a regular thing to stay a single overnight at theirs.

I'd wait a few months and try a single overnight and see how it goes.

Leaving a 3yo child for a few days and nights with grandparents, unless they are usually in his daily life, is less than ideal and potencially traumatising by itself.

Also, its good to mention that trauma is not what happens to a person, trauma happens when a child is lef on its own in a diffucult situation.

In your situation its absolutely not black and white. Stern commands dont work with 3year old. Well, actually they dont work with anyone, its just a scaring tactic.
I would say that a 3yo upset/wild at bedtime when parents are absent /assuming its parents who usually put them to bed/ is absolutely normal.

Of course 3 year olds should learn manners. When are they supposed to learn? You start early unless you want to spend your life with DC who eat with their mouths open, pick their nose in public, don't go to bed at the proper time, break their toys, hit other kids, tear books etc. Unlikely to be invited anywhere much.

Why not expecting good manners? There is nothing wrong with having high expectations, even at 3.

Get a grip. The word traumatic is banded around so much now that it’s lost all meaning.

On this site anyone over 60 is ancient and probably developing dementia

How often do the GP usually spend time with your child? How often do they look after your DS? If they do look after him, for how long at a time? Has he slept there before?

I’m with your wife. It’s not their job to discipline. It was their job to make him feel safe and secure. They failed. At a time when he was likely sad.

So if my DGD won't go to bed, I'm just to let her run around until she crashes? If she thinks it's funny to throw her food, I'm to let her?

Of course it's down to a GP to calmly manage behaviour that isn't acceptable when she's responsible for the child in her own home.

Your wife needs to accept that they managed to bring you up alright and he will be fine. I'd just tell him not to misbehave in future!

Why are they doing that? Why is the only way to manage behaviour to shout at them?