DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

Do you want or need this new shed?

Hasn't he got any mates that can help him?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to not spend £15k on a shed and for looking for cheaper alternatives.

Presumably he's buying something 'off the shelf' that will then need to be put together like giant flat pack furniture? Like this kind of thing https://dunsterhouse.co.uk/garden-sheds/workshop-sheds/page/1?sort=price-desc

Are there any younger, fitter members of the family or family friends that might help instead? Any teens/young adults that could do it for a bit of cash?

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

I'd help my DH build a shed if he asked, even if I wasn't going to use the shed. Both in our 60s

All you need to do is hold things while he screws it all together. You are not going to be clambering around on the roof. Once the superstructure is up he’ll complete it himself.
If the panels are too heavy then rent a trolly, but my experience is they are light enough to be easily moved by two people.

Say you’re a big believer in DIY - Don’t Involve Yourself.

Good exercise for you? Cheeky bugger.

Just say no. No more discussion needed.

Clearly I’m bucking the responses here but why wouldn’t I put a coat on and help my dh? What fitness do you need to stand and hold bits?

My dad is 72 with cancer and built a green house (including the base) last summer. Mum helped. It is what couples do imo. I also don’t think 60 is that old.

They’re 60 not 90!

when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out

Yes you do! You also listen to each other and take each other's opinions and preferences into account. You respect each other's opinions and preferences. It's not just a one way street and it's not an argument you pull out when it only suits one person. I'd remind him of that.

The shed is primarily for his use and the storage of his DIY equipment, which will benefit me (he's handy around the house and has done a lot of work on it), so the new shed will benefit me indirectly. We definitely need to replace the old one.

Most of his friends are older/ semi-retired and no longer interested in spending weeks lugging stuff around or up ladders. I suspect he doesn't want to be beholden to a friend. I've suggested that we pay someone to come and labour for him, but he doesn't want to work with a stranger. We did have a labourer helping with paths and he was more trouble than he was worth, which is why I ended up having to help out.

I can find apparently serviceable sheds/workshops pre-made and erected for less than £6k: DH could finish off the interior with insulation and boarding in his own time. I'm shocked at the price of things. DH has a history of expecting me to help him with all kinds of things. He came from a large family where you could always get someone to help. I'm from a small family and expect to have to work out ways of doing things on my own.

Do you have children/grandchildren? My dad would take it as an opportunity to teach DGC something and give them some pocket money.

Are people just about dead and infirm at 60?

I'm in my 70s, but we have always mucked in together. Can't afford to pay folk, and frankly they've never done a decent job..I draw the line at going up 60 ft trees to prune though. I have friends in their 80s who will do this sort of thing together, and friends in their 40s where the (child free) wife does nothing in the house or garden, considering it's "man's work"

I am 10 years your junior and have found a company that dismantle la old sheds and assembles the new one. Nowhere near £15k..... probably less than £1k including the shed. How big is this shed he wants to build? I would expect a full spa at that price!

It would be one thing if he treated you with some fucking respect and kindness whilst helping him with these things but he doesn't does he, he Verbally abuses you and makes it an unpleasant experience.

He can do one.

You’re entitled to refuse, of course, but I’m with your husband. A couple of weeks discomfort in the garden to save thousands of pounds. I’d be cross if my husband didn’t ask me to muck in. (Also in my 60s).

Last summer my DH has built a shed from pallet wood (which sonIL brought home from work) and did virtually the whole lot by himself. Apart from initially holding corner posts to help him out on the first day - that is all I have done.
I just made plenty of brews and left him to it.
Yes, it took a while because of the weather and waiting on more materials - then the plastic roofing needed to be ordered but like you I wasn't going to hang around waiting on him - I've got enough to do myself!! DH is a perfectionist and like your DH measures twenty times before cutting!! 😬But I'm not hanging around while he faffs about and he knows it!!
If your DH is buying a kit shed then you maybe could help because it is essentially already built but it will be heavier lifting in the interim.

I wouldn't mind helping out in that situation at all but not if he's going to be barking orders at me or being unpleasant. My willingness would entirely depend on his mood, not the actual labour involved.

Love my dh dearly but could never work with him.
He can't keep from having a dig when he gets frustrated.
I've just read your op to dh and he laughed.

No, he wants a bespoke shed designed to accommodate various things: separate sections for bike and other sports gear and wood storage and then a large space for all his woodworking and construction gear. He wants roof lights and double doors.

I'm suggesting what you're looking at, but a bought-in shed like you're describing will never equal the quality and longevity of a really good-quality bespoke shed.

It's coming up to Summer, 18 degrees this weekend. I would agree to help for two hours a day. If you can fit it round work, kids, grandkids hobbies etc, but only on nice days.

I'm over 60 and (although with us it would likely be me wanting to build the shed) if my DH asked this i would help him

But i'd be looking around for more practical solutions, like semi-pre-fabricated sheds etc.

But if you don't want to, @Tripewriter - don't help him. But you should expect that in future he won't be driving behind you to the garage or any other things that he usually does. Ball is in your court.

I do hope, for your sake, you're not aiming to check out at 60. Last shed we built was a couple of years ago. My husband was 75, I was 67. It is a very large, sturdy Dunster House shed, not something flimsy from B&Q or The Range. It was hard work but it got done. The only bit we needed help with was putting the roofing felt on. Our daughter came for the weekend and did the monkey work needed for that (and got a view of the neighbours' gardens that I can never hope to have). Up your expectations of life.

Oh, this is exactly the type of shed that we need, and are going around in circles arguing about!
DP does not want us to pay the cost of having it built, but also, does not want to build it by himself.
I am a foot smaller, and half the weight of DP and not built for heavy lifting. I also do everything in the house, work FT and pay my way.
I can see our old sheds falling down before we agree on this.