DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

"see us out" and you previously referred to "Longevity"

but panel built sheds are guaranteed to last at least 10 years and usually last far longer

are you really still planning to be in the same house (which already sounds a lot to manage in late fifties/sixties with the big garden etc) when you are in your 80s?
Why do you need a 'forever' shed?

My (amazing) dad built me the same last year. He is 50 and has worked in construction all his life and it was an incredibly tough job for him and me. One example that stands out is that walls were built as a frame on the ground and lifted up onto the base/foundation. These were heavy and I was nowhere near the level of help he needed. Similarly there was a time when I was on the roof helping hold down fabric while he secured it - not good for vertigo.

It took a lot of manpower but we did save money and the quality is amazing compared to the £15k/£20k ones we got quoted but material costs had risen so much that the saving wasn’t as much as we expected. It also took much longer as he was on his own. If I were to do it again, I’d pay the external company to do it. Don’t blame you at all OP for not wanting to commit to this and I think most people that are criticising are imagining a cheap wooden shed, as opposed to a functional garden room

Bollocks to that
Following you to the garage to make sure you don't break down is normal what you do for a partner
Putting a shed up is not ...no ...
He can pay someone to help him .
Stand firm ,say no

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out.
This struck me - forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but despite your ages are you a relatively 'new' couple? It sounds like something that would have been worked out over the years otherwise ...

Together for 26 years, married 23 years. Helped each other out through all sorts of stuff: life, death, illness, redundancy. Both worked FT till very recently, mortgage paid off, no debts, savings, work and private pensions due/ already coming in, full state pensions due down the line. Moved into this house with a half-acre garden some years ago. Comfortably off, but not so comfortably that an unexpected £5-7k bill isn't a cause for an ouch moment.

I think what has become increasingly clear as he's aged is that he looks to me for support and help much more than most people (male or female) do with their spouse. He comes from a large family where he was the youngest and there was always someone around to help him with homework or a project or, in the early days, offer him a job or whatever. All of them now scattered: emotionally close still but in other countries or hundreds of miles away. I think his learned response is to expect the person closest to him to provide what he needs.

He has always leaned quite heavily on me and others for support: asked me to read reports he'd written for work, wanted to talk to me about his work projects at length: always expected me to be interested and involved in what he was doing. He's not needy, he just seems to want someone else to be involved, if that makes any sense.

I've had to draw boundaries. When he got into running in his 40s he seemed to expect that the kids and I and the dog would accompany him to every race and hang around holding his gear and then drive him home afterwards. He's a lovely, friendly, usually easy-going sort of man, but he does tend to assume that if he's got an idea or an interest then I'll share his enthusiasm. He has absolutely no interest at all in what I'm studying for my MA and seems to think it's a bit of a joke that I might be interested in something academic. He doesn't even pretend to be interested. The children and friends have commented on it, so I'm not imagining it.

He'll just need someone to hold things whilst he faffs sawing, measuring etc. Do it - in the sunshine mind you! - but with headphones on so you can zone out when you get bored!

This.
Why should you have any expectation of help now? DH has a history of expecting me to help him with all kinds of things. What other types of things?

Am jealous of you. Your husband has hands he can use to build useful things! My dh can't do a bloody thing - if I told you how much over the years we had to pay for the simplest things that boys were usually taught to do at school - drill a hole, build a stool, changer a washer/filter, etc. Equally, I deeply regret not paying attention when we were taught to sew, embroider, knit at school - but I pay dearly for not having paid attention too, by having to pay other people to even take my trousers/skirts up, to hem a coat.

I’m not reading it in this way. It’s more that the older we get, the more we value using our time to do things we are actually good at and enjoy.

for example, in my 20s I happily took overnight coaches across Europe and stayed in hostels sharing a bedroom and toilets with 8 stranger. Not a chance in hell I would do that now. Not because I’m not capable of that hardship, but simply because I don’t want to.

In my early 30s I loved doing DIY- I still don’t mind doing it when I have lots of time, but now I just value my time more so pay for handymen, painters and builders. Not that I’m not capable, but I just don’t want to.

He sounds really hard work
I'd not cope with a husband like that .
Makes me grateful for my own one .
Going to every race and holding his stuff and driving him home , reading his reports , interested in everything he does
Hah ha ,that's a what a mother does with a toddler
Not a wife with a husband
He's got you down as his mother not his wife
Lines are very blurry here

Read my post at 11.18, then come back and say something relevant.

Oh like this? always expected me to be interested and involved in what he was doing. How dare he! Expect his wife to be interested in his life?!!

I suspect some of those replying that they would be happy to do it have not read your updates. It is a big project which will take many weeks, it's not a few hours of holding posts and panels.

We have had flatpack sheds built in the past - I'm in my 60s and I'd help with that type of project as it took less than a day. They cost about £3k but it didn't take long for them to start leaking and fall apart, so not exactly quality options.

So no I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. If your husband's retired mates don't want to do it, he shouldn't expect you to.

Well hardly fair if the interest is not reciprocated.

And I can be interested in my husbands marathon runs, doesn’t mean I’ have to join him in doing them.

Just means I’ll make appropriate facial expressions and sounds when he tells me about his 1000th training session that’s exactly the same as the last one.

If it was a flatpack shed that we could put together in a weekend I'd take a load of ibuprofen and do it too, but as you say, it's a proper construction job that will take weeks.

You're younger than I am. Bending, stretching, lifting, load bearing exercise in fresh air and sunlight (sunblock ofc) are all good for us. He's right. The exercise will do you good. You're choosing to take it as an insult.

Dress properly, good gloves, treats for when you've finished, he buys the takeaway.

I've seen this play out in so many circumstances - anything my ex did, he expected me to help out with (going to the supermarket, running the kids to school - any simple task, I had to accompany him. Yet I did all of those things the majority of the time and he wouldn't come with me if I asked)

His hobbies, I showed appropriate interest in, helped out occasionally. My hobbies, were boring and he wasn't even going to pretend.

Actually, the last ex was the worst for it, but I've had the same from more than one past boyfriend, and I've seen the same thing play out with my ex-mil, my own parents etc.

Men think they are the main character, and forget that women (and children) have rich internal lives of their own.

YANBU. You have no interest, it's weeks of miserable work for you when you have other things to do, and (I'm guessing here) he wouldn't be prepared to spend weeks dedicating himself to some hobby of yours.

“I think what has become increasingly clear as he's aged is that he looks to me for support and help much more than most people (male or female) do with their spouse. He comes from a large family where he was the youngest and there was always someone around to help him with homework or a project or, in the early days, offer him a job or whatever. All of them now scattered: emotionally close still but in other countries or hundreds of miles away. I think his learned response is to expect the person closest to him to provide what he needs.”

I am getting the impression that there’s more to this than simply a shed. 60 isn’t old, and yes it’s perfectly normal for loving couples to share tasks, not every one of course but if help is required than a bit can go a long way. Are you possibly both retirees, coming to terms with changes in life, more time on your hands, wanting to carry out those personal projects that have been on the bucket list? If it’s beyond you for health reasons, then I fully get the picture, but that just requires honesty, and making him understand your limits. Not everyone enjoys a bit of physical activity. Likewise your OH perhaps needs to be fully conversant with what is going to be required for what sounds like a very big rebuild. Maybe some compromise, partially paid help, but do so much your/himselves?

He sounds utterly self centred.
Playing the youngest child card when you are 60 is not a good look.

Ask him to proof read one of your essays and see what happens.
Perhaps he could contact his local Men's Sheds group and recruit some willing co workers from there.
Stand your ground OP.
all the best.

He's a lovely, friendly, usually easy-going sort of man, but he does tend to assume that if he's got an idea or an interest then I'll share his enthusiasm. He has absolutely no interest at all in what I'm studying for my MA and seems to think it's a bit of a joke that I might be interested in something academic. He doesn't even pretend to be interested. The children and friends have commented on it, so I'm not imagining it.

TBH after this update he doesn't sound that lovely to me OP. Stand your ground over the shed, tell him you have as much interest in his shed as he has in your MA and then refuse to discuss it. You need to reinforce those boundaries before you retire or he's going to drive you mad/make you start to resent him.

he sounds like my now ex. I think most people are imagining a DIY screw together yourself shed. This is a basically a garden room without windows. I 'helped' my DH build similar. It was probably the final straw that broke this camel's back. It took weeks. He kept changing his design ideas. He tried to cut corners on the materials to make them cheaper but that ended up costing more. He hurt his back so I had to do all the heavy lifting and lugging whilst all he did was screw the bits together, barking orders, yelling at the kids when they weren't fast enough to give him the right drill bit/screwdriver etc but he never once moved to help them. Don't touch this with a barge pole is my advice.

If it were just a normal 6 by 4 shed that you throw up in an afternoon and shove some creosote on it would be a different matter. It isn't.

Tell him to ask a friend to come and help.
Ridiculous expecting you to do heavy lifting.

He’d drive me crazy and no way would either DH or I be so invested in each others passions.

2 weekends converting our shed was enough for both of us. It’s hard going with arthritis and how long each bit takes.

I don’t think you are unreasonable but I do think it’s lovely he wants to work on something with you (unhelpful reply as I’m projecting because myself and dh have relationship issues and are barely in the same room anymore). Hope ye find s middle ground op (get hold of someone else and do enough that he thinks you’re epic!!)

Chance for you to get fit then if it’s too much for you now - and weight bearing is excellent for your health

Thank goodness someone understands. And yes, the full report, timings and readouts of the training sessions.

I've never heard of main character syndrome mentioned above so I'll look it up. He's not one of those narcissistic men who think the world revolves around him, but he does tend to assume that if he wants something or he's interested in something everyone else will share his enthusiasm and want to be involved too. It seems to be a shock to him to discover reality.