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Original poster

DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

256 replies

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:41

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

OP posts:
Seeline · 22/03/2025 11:44

I wonder what the responses would have been if the OP hadn't mentioned her age, or if she was 30 with a chronic pain condition?

People seem so focussed on the fact that 60 isn't old, they seem to have overlooked the fact that not all 60 year olds are the same.
Do many 'older' women frequently martyr themselves, and put their bodies at risk of further harm and/or pain, just to pander to their partners' random whims? I understand that such instances will commonly arise if partners' need caring for, or the situation is urgent for some reason, but for a man cave?

Mummamap · 22/03/2025 12:25

Could he not use a local teenager. We pay the lad next door to help out with bits and pieces. He helps in the garden and we are dismantling a shed at the moment and he is here to help. We pay him a day rate and he seems happy enough.

Lokens · 22/03/2025 13:09

Seeline · 22/03/2025 11:44

I wonder what the responses would have been if the OP hadn't mentioned her age, or if she was 30 with a chronic pain condition?

People seem so focussed on the fact that 60 isn't old, they seem to have overlooked the fact that not all 60 year olds are the same.
Do many 'older' women frequently martyr themselves, and put their bodies at risk of further harm and/or pain, just to pander to their partners' random whims? I understand that such instances will commonly arise if partners' need caring for, or the situation is urgent for some reason, but for a man cave?

Completely agree.
I play singles tennis at 60 and am relatively fit.
I have friends who played tennis and golf 5 years ago and were equally fit but knee and hip problems are now an issue.
Things can change so easily as you age.
Aging healthy is the ultimate privilege you realise quickly enough as you find yourself getting on!

CameltoeParkerBowles · 23/03/2025 09:30

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 11:57

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out.
This struck me - forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but despite your ages are you a relatively 'new' couple? It sounds like something that would have been worked out over the years otherwise ...

Together for 26 years, married 23 years. Helped each other out through all sorts of stuff: life, death, illness, redundancy. Both worked FT till very recently, mortgage paid off, no debts, savings, work and private pensions due/ already coming in, full state pensions due down the line. Moved into this house with a half-acre garden some years ago. Comfortably off, but not so comfortably that an unexpected £5-7k bill isn't a cause for an ouch moment.

I think what has become increasingly clear as he's aged is that he looks to me for support and help much more than most people (male or female) do with their spouse. He comes from a large family where he was the youngest and there was always someone around to help him with homework or a project or, in the early days, offer him a job or whatever. All of them now scattered: emotionally close still but in other countries or hundreds of miles away. I think his learned response is to expect the person closest to him to provide what he needs.

He has always leaned quite heavily on me and others for support: asked me to read reports he'd written for work, wanted to talk to me about his work projects at length: always expected me to be interested and involved in what he was doing. He's not needy, he just seems to want someone else to be involved, if that makes any sense.

I've had to draw boundaries. When he got into running in his 40s he seemed to expect that the kids and I and the dog would accompany him to every race and hang around holding his gear and then drive him home afterwards. He's a lovely, friendly, usually easy-going sort of man, but he does tend to assume that if he's got an idea or an interest then I'll share his enthusiasm. He has absolutely no interest at all in what I'm studying for my MA and seems to think it's a bit of a joke that I might be interested in something academic. He doesn't even pretend to be interested. The children and friends have commented on it, so I'm not imagining it.

He sounds utterly selfish, really.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 23/03/2025 09:35

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 12:47

Yes, this is it! He's not deliberately nasty or controlling or self-obsessed, he just assumes that what's on his mind or what he's doing will be of interest to me and others around.

Now imagine having to stand there holding a heavy length of timber while he does the 'I think that needs of be 2008mm. Or is that the bit I'd saved for the long stretch? Hold it still while I measure. There are quite a few knots in this, it might need treating. It looks a bit warped to me, so I'll have to take that into account. I should be wearing the black gloves for this, not these orange ones. Where did you put my black gloves? Have you seen my rule? Not that one, the red one. Where's my pencil? Have you got my pencil?' And that this goes on for weeks, possibly for months, while you have other things like work and essays and reading to do...

Show quote history

Oh God! I understand. It's exhausting being the constant sounding board for someone else's thoughts. Particularly, while standing for hours getting nothing done, while your own projects are piling up and neglected.

Createausername1970 · 23/03/2025 09:49

I am over 60 and would be prepared to help - but within my personal limitations.

I was going to say, OP, that you need to have a conversation with him about the practicalities, but I can see from your updates that he has realised he is being unreasonable.

We wanted to do a very similar project, but in the end decided against it because of the cost

In the end, we went for two separate sheds - plastic - and some garden storage boxes. So we have the separation we wanted, but at a fraction of the cost. One shed is DIY and car stuff, the other is garden-based. The mower and pond stuff is in a storage box and garden furniture in another storage box.

We had to pay about £1500 for two concrete bases. Each plastic shed was about £1k and the storage boxes were and £200 each. So under £4K in total, as opposed to £16k for a bespoke wooden one.

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