DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

I'd tell him no, you're not helping him with a custom made shed as you don't work well together and you kind of want to still carry on liking him.

Then get taxis from the garage if he's a petty fucker.

I am 59 and would happily help build the shed. I would however look to see if there was anything off the peg that you could get- with pre built walls etc, and then look to customize it with insulation etc

What kind of and size shed is he buying?! We bought an 8' x 6' shiplap shed for our garden from a shed specialist and it cost around £1,000, including delivery and building! We did already have an appropriate hardstanding, so if you need a bigger one, then that will cost more, but you could probably get a handyman to do that for cheaper than a shed company.

He knows I’d be more of a hindrance than a help

I would help my DH build a shed but that's MY husband, not yours, because mine is patient, good humoured and competent. It's actually nice building fences and the like with him because he doesn't get snide or snappy.

A shed such as you describe IS going to be very expensive, there's no way round that. We got two sheds for our garden - a shed for me for my gardening tools and storage, and a garden office for him. In both cases we opted for having the suppliers construct them because frankly we didn't fancy it. We had two concrete bases laid, which wasn't cheap either (and that was 2017/18 so cheaper than it would be now). DH's has electricity laid on to his which involves wiring from the distribution board in the house and running through armoured cable to the bottom of the garden. That's an additional expense. It's insulated with double glazed windows and doors - not cheap. To add bespoke fittings inside will be more and will need to be worked out, has he drawn up plans of what he wants?

Personally I think if he wants this extent of bespokeness, he's going to be paying through the nose anyway. He would be better off getting the main structure installed by the professionals (not he and his wife!) and do all the tweaks he wants inside himself. There'll be enough work in that on its own!

When it comes to DIY, I'm really good at sourcing materials and making tea & sandwiches for those doing the actual work. I might occasionally help out if there was no other helper (paid or unpaid) available but not very often especially now I've got arthritis in my hands and knees. And no way would I help anyone who yelled at me for not doing it properly.

Clearly she needs to decline heavy lifting and anything that hurts her. But incurring a £7k bill because she doesn't want to pass tools or hold things is unreasonable, IMHO.

I agree it sucks, helping difficult people is a nightmare.

If they buy a cheap shed they'll just have this same problem again in a few years.

@Tripewriter I would be up for that and I am 70 and 5 foot nothing!! dh is 71! in fact, I would be the one asking my dh to spare the time to help me build it! think of the pride you would feel when you tell your friends that you built your new shed!

I'm puzzled by this response. Are you saying 60 year olds are too old to build a shed? Really?

Yes, me too. We don’t like spending thousands on something we can do ourselves! We’ve recently moved house and so far I’ve painted inside, we’ve wallpapered, built a shed and done some fairly heavy work in the garden. Mid to late 60’s, perfectly able although we do know where to draw the line !
I see it as something you do together, work out what you want to do and find the best , most economic way to do it.

YANBU. Doesn’t he have a mate who enjoys DIY who could come and help? And then he could reciprocate by helping out the mate with other projects?

Alternatively, you do it, and the ££££s you save go on a lovely holiday for you, somewhere warm, to recover.

I built a small shed all by myself several years ago. My children were very impressed and told the neighbours! It wasn't difficult. Perhaps he could have 3 small sheds instead of one large - much easier? Otherwise you may have to help him. Anyway my shed was all pre cut.

I'm in my 40s and I wouldn't be interested in helping with this kind of project either. Not how I want to spend my time even if I wanted a shed. And comparing helping on this project to giving you a lift back from the garage is absolutely not the same thing.

I feel your pain OP. DH turns into an extremely rude tyrant when I help him with stuff that's at the limits of my strength, and I have often had to demand that he doesn't speak to me like that.

If the mate wants £15k for the job then it's clearly a huge task. Your DH is off his head to think that you could help him build the equivalent for peanuts.

He should advertise locally for a young trainee (do you have a local tech college?) who would value the experience and would help him for a lower price.

so he's only bothered to get the one quote?

I wouldn't object to the "holding the corner posts" bit a PP has mentioned, but generally his concept that he is retired, you can keep working and dedicate all of your not-really-spare time to helping with his projects is a non starter.

He needs to up his share of cooking and housework, maybe join a 'men's club' to find like minded bores who want to mess about in sheds or make them, and/or get a part time job to keep him busy/fund his wants and hobbies.

Other alternative - the trading an hour of assisting with the car/helping with the shed sounds dismal - think about making a life for yourself without him and shedwars.

If he is like this while you are still working, what nightmare will he turn into when you retire and have no escape time out of the house? DO you really want 20-30 years of this?

I do all our DIY but haven't ever tackled a shed. It's a tricky one, the car example he used isn't really equivalent to building a shed, and I agree with pp that 60 isn't old. However being a team surely means listening to each others point of view and if needed arriving at a compromise. You both seem miles away from a compromise, it's like shed wars. It sounds like a fantastic shed though so any chance of getting someone in to do part of it and then he finishes it off?

I mean that's saving your household £15k for a few hours of work.

We always do projects together. Yes it can be frustrating at times for both of us but the end result is a good reward. However, I don't do any super heavy lifting, just moderate and if I have to (fir ex. Hold something whilst DH holds the other end or fits it). I do as much of the following as I can: making cups of tea, popping over to Screwfix for the odd bits, walk the dogs etc any excuse really. But, on the main, I appear present.

OP, most couples want to do things together, and 60 isn't particularly old these days (significant illness aside).

What does stand out from your posts is your determination not to help at all, which is unusual.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out.

This struck me - forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but despite your ages are you a relatively 'new' couple? It sounds like something that would have been worked out over the years otherwise ...

This seems quite a common issue - not so much the reluctance to help on a job, but reluctance to help on a job that experience suggests is going to involve being shouted at because everything you do is wrong. Maybe offer up a few hours at the weekend when you can find the time to help on a job you didn't ever volunteer for and don't agree is even necessary but appreciate is important to him, and say from the outset that you are his partner not his staff, and if he can't control his temper then he will have to hire someone who is being paid to take it. I hate helping on diy jobs, much prefer to just do it my own self to be honest as then you can fuck it up however you want without any shouting. This thread is giving me minor ptsd from our last build.

I’d kill for my DH to be this motivated at building a new shed 😂 having said that, I love DIY and I am more like your husband and my DH more like you!!!

I agree with him it’s nice to do these things as a couple. Aren’t you interested to learn about it all etc and get some new skills? If you really can’t face it and aren’t interested then you’ll have to find him a new buddy to help with it. I think you could say ‘look I’ll help but with a clear plan, only 2 hours at a time and I’m not taking any criticism!’ That’s fair enough. X

Can you compromise? Will you be in less pain if it's done in warmer weather and for shorter periods at a time? If so I would want to suggest that you do it as a summer project and that you do eg two hours in the morning, two in the afternoon or whatever won't be painful, and no more than that.

If he's too unreasonable to negotiate and he would rather you be in pain than spend the money or find another solution, tell him where to go.

I'm only 55 and I wouldn't build a shed.
What's more I've never built a shed.
I've got a crappy old shed covered in ivy but it's good enough for Me!

If the shed (some 16' by 10') is to be built totally from scratch, that is going to involve more than a few hours of work!

OP - you work around 2 days/week. Your DH is retired.
Does he do any cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry etc or is he just playing with boys toys all the time?

I’m riddled with poxy bloody arthritis but I help to the limits of my ability on projects like this. It’s companionable.

Driving behind her and bringing her home from the garage then taking her later to pick her car up does not compare in the slightest to essentially labouring for him to build an outbuilding that is way beyond a shed, especially when he's being unkind to her at the same time.

I love a project, but I wouldn't be doing with someone shouting at me and telling me exercise is good for me and I'm not going fast enough for their liking!!