DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

This is ridiculous! He spent less than an hour accompanying me to the garage to get my car (which he drives several times a week) fixed. In exchange he's expecting hundreds of hours of work. I'm still working 15 hours a week and bringing in income: he's decided to give up work early to pursue his interests.

Good on those of you who in your 60s, 70s and 80s are still doing heavy physical work. I have arthritis in my hands, which makes holding heavy stuff painful, and mild lumbar pain which I really don't want to make any worse.

My ex used to blow a fuse if(when) things went wrong in diy projects and it was usually me that got the worst of his frustration and temper. Frankly, it has had a long effect on me and that's after twenty five years divorced. Even putting up a Christmas tree could cause him to be unbearable because I was never holding the tree straight enough. I fully understand where you are coming from. If you must help, tell him the first time he complains or shouts at you, you are downing tools and leaving him to it. And do that.

If he wants a bespoke deluxe shed then he either needs to build it himself or pay someone to do it or help him do it. He could surely pay someone for a few days to help put up the shell and then he can do the rest on his own, he doesn't need you to be there apart from for a few 'holding things up' moments. Even then you can use clamps and poles for holding things in place. To be honest though he does sound rather grumpy and demanding and I'm not sure I'd want to sign up to this at all.

Never realised how contentious building a shed would be, but thrilled to find we're not the only ones.

I think what's also alarming me is that now he's given up work he's expecting me to help him out with so much more than he ever did, even though he's always known that I don't share all his interests. He's the one who wanted a big garden, which requires constant work. I really don't want to spend every weekend out there, bent double, weeding and mulching and planting and mowing: it's not my dream. But now he's able to spend all day out there doing what he dreamed of, he seems to require me to be out there with him too and gets annoyed when I say no, I'm not going to trim the hedges on a bitter January day.

I'm beginning to think that this retirement lark is a very bad idea. I might suggest that he works part-time for a year and then pays to have this shed built if it's what he really wants.

I don't have a husband, but if I did I would help him build a shed. On nice days. If there were going to be plenty of tea breaks.

OP, are you meaning he wants to build a shed from scratch rather than assembling from panels? If so, I don't blame you for being reticent. Tell him no and tell him why - remind him that you don't work very well together; he wants the shed, not you (will he see it very much as his shed?); you don't want to. Tell him there are excellent options available for sturdy, well insulated, well-designed sheds. We used Dunster House but there are other companies. We also have a firm locally who design to spec and give you the option of them erecting it. Even that option would work out less than £15,000 for a mate to do it.

I'm a couple of years off 60, my DH a few years older than me.

I have a bad back and knees that don't work. DH knows and understands this. I will always help where I can, but I can't lift heavy stuff, or crawl around on the floor. He would never expect me to do this - I wouldn't be unable to function normally for a couple of weeks afterwards.

But if I can help, I absolutely do. If I can't help with the actual task, then I will take over whatever else needs doing - cooking laundry, tea making, shopping etc. That is what couples do!

Do you not have DCs/GCs? My DS would be straight in on a project like that!

Hundreds of hours? You’re being ridiculous now.

I wouldn’t want to help either. But I would. Because we are a team and DP does such a lot for me and us.

Im 57 by the way and consider myself to be a long way from decrepitude!

not ridiculous as you being completely intransient.

I can put myself in a petty person's shoes - and i believe he is probably petty? - because i can be extremely petty myself.

So why not discuss the shed, outline what help you are prepared to give and let him decide what he is going to do?

You're all "no no nno I'm an ancient decrepit old crone i won't do it". And he is all "I want to build the custom shed and you have to help me". Either there is compromise or not, but what do YOU think will happen when you say "no" finally? And would you expect him just to help you out with stuff endlessly when you said "no"?

Up to you, but i think you need to look into yourself. Are you now just being stubborn for the sake of it?

You are not being unreasonable. Does your DH know about the arthritis in your hands and that doing what he is suggesting would cause you pain and discomfort? If he does know, he is being very selfish. If he doesn't know, please tell him.

OP, I'm 40 and I wouldn't do it. DO NOT do it, hundreds of hours of free labour is ridiculous of him to expect of you, especially as you're working and it will impact your arthritis and back. Book in to a yoga or pottery painting or whatever it is you like class, and ignore him.

You say: 'I'm not continuing this discussion with you, you have my answer. I don't mind what you do with the shed, you can buy a pre-fabricated one or hire in help to build it, it's entirely your choice and I leave it up to you.'

Just say no...

Me and my dh built a shed together, just after lockdown. I wouldn't advise anyone puts themselves through it 😆

We never really argue. Our one and only big argument - the building of said shed. We now have a wonky shed as it left me flouncing off and (after 4 days of not speaking) shouting stating that I had always wanted the front to be wonky and I had always wanted the roof not to meet in the middle.

It's still a bone of contention. The front of the shed is still wonky and the roof still doesn't meet in the middle. We now use it to put our garden furniture in as rain gets in. Nobody wants to go near the bloody shed 🤣

You've ignored the fact that OP has said that she has arthritis in her hands and lumber pain which she doesn't want to make worse. She is also still working while her DH, although younger than OP, has already retired to pursue his own interests. I assume that if her DH was still working, he could probably afford to pay his carpenter friend to erect the shed without expecting OP to be his labourer.

If he needs a second pair of hands and can't find one and it saves £7k I think you have to say yes. :(

Obvs decline any lifting that might harm or hurt you.

Any family that could help? Or ask for a volunteer helper on a local FB page?

But working stuff out on your own...does that even include your spouse? My family isn't huge, but it certainly wouldn't be an unusual expectation to have people muck in together.

Of course he shouldn't be yelling at you while you do it, but I do wonder by your description whether you resent helping, so are a bit slapdash/get this done, wobble things around etc whereas he is used to things being done properly and taking care. You not paying attention or trying because deep down you don't think you should have to help him would be hugely frustrating.

Do you have any health issues? I ask because at 60 most people are working full time, active etc. Hell, my 79 year old dad would happily still build a shed or help us build one, and I can only imagine the reaction of any of my sisters-in-law if I implied that in their 60ies they should be considered incapable of doing things like this.

I would argue that 15 hours a week does not constitute a heavy workload that precludes you from other projects.

I think he's totally U. If the shed is solely for him he needs to sort it all. I might be willing to hold a post for him whilst he screwed a frame together but any shouting and I'd be walking away and leaving it to him.

But it sounds to me like there are bigger issues. I love gardening but I certainly don't expect my DH to get involved in it. He cuts the grass (mostly because the lawnmower is a big petrol thing and because he wants us to keep the grass) and maybe carries a bag of compost round for me and that's it.

Personally, I would buy a cheap shed along the lines of the design that he is after - erect that and then build around it! Surely it wouldn't hurt you to help with the first erection project - he could then create his own version using the first shed as 'insulation' and incorporate electrical wiring between the two. He would have the first shed to anchor the new timber work on to.

Of course she doesn't have to say yes. She has arthritis in her hands which makes holding heavy stuff painful. He doesn't need such an expensive state of the art shed. He could buy a self-assembly shed that he could manage to assemble on his own.

OP is still working so she is bringing money into the household, unlike her younger DH who has retired.

I think that if you can paint a room and move furniture around then you can help him build a shed. Personally I would love to help out with that, especially if it meant being outside during this sunny weather. But if you don't want to, you don't want to.

OP I’m with you ,I could think of nothing worse than building a shed .I don’t think my husband would even ask me he would get one of my son in laws or even oldest grandson to help.Before anyone jumps on I love my husband and we’re very happy together.

Floatlikeafeather2 · Today 10:20

OP, are you meaning he wants to build a shed from scratch rather than assembling from panels?

Yes. It will be a bespoke, built-from scratch shed about 5m x 3.5m, with various sections, lined out with marine ply or similar and some insulation, a metal roof and on a concrete base. It'll be vertically clad in thick larch from a local source. We have some good, solid, lockable doors/ door frames already: someone local had a new extension built and gave us their doors and a couple of newish double-glazed windows. The idea is that if it's build it well it should see us out.

why couldn't a 60 year old build a shed? I mean, I get that OP doesn’t want to, but why do you think it’s something to laugh at that someone could?

Tell him that on reflection, you don't actually WANT a shed. So if he still does, he'll need to either do it HIMSELF or find a friend to help.

To show willing, you could tell him you'll be his tea lady and cook him and his mate lunch on his shed-building days.

The alternative is to do some male-style weaponised incompetence and be so bad at helping that you're a hindrance. But that would mean you tolerating arguments and bad feeling.

I would help my DH, regardless of age if I could.