DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

We got a lovely big strong shed approx 4m x 2.5m and well insulated for about 3k euros in Ireland last year. And Ireland is usually more expensive than the UK. Guaranteed for 10 years. That included installation and demolish and removal of old shed. Granted it’s not wired up, but couldn’t he just use battery lights/use it during the day? Or otherwise just get a shed installed and then get an electrician to wire it separately? £15k sounds insane.

I'm younger and love DIY, but I point blank refused to help exdp because he was a rude twat would take his inadequacies frustrations out on me. Tell your husband to advertise on FB for a labourer for a few hours a day. People often do it on my local page and they get hundreds of replies.

I do have other projects including volunteering, an MA and most of the cooking, cleaning and housework. I don't ask him for assistance with my MA or voluntary work. He grows the veg and fruit, I cook or chop it as well as helping out in the garden for a couple of hours a week during the growing season. He puts his time into the garden, which is his dream, and his own interests.

We do have children but they live too far away to come over to help with DIY and, anyway, are busy with their own lives. They certainly wouldn't be available other than to help out say, one weekend.

To the person laughed at the idea of hundreds of hours spent building a shed: we'll have to start by emptying and dismantling the old shed (no small feat, it's 4m high at the apex) and getting the bits into a skip.

The current shed is built on piles. They'll need to be moved and disposed of, the soil dug out, hardcore located, transported and laid, shuttering built and then concrete poured to make a solid base.

A frame will need to be built and erected on a base: it needs to be precise because as you'll have read upthread there are dire consequences if it's not and you get a wobbly, leaky outcome.

Then the rafters, the roof lining and cladding, working up ladders. An insulated metal roof cut to precise size and fitted properly, windows and doors fitted, then external battening, lining out, cladding and guttering. It can take a day to fit a doorframe and a door properly, so it's plumb and doesn't leak, and this shed will have four doors.

Then the electrics, insulation inside and lining with marine ply. Flooring. And then fitting out with shelving and storage. And moving all the stuff back into it. After that it should be good for at least 20 years.

I think, if he does it on his own with help from me and perhaps the occasional day's bought-in labouring, it's going to take about ten weeks doing several hours most days. I think it's great that other people would be up for this: good on you. But it's never been something that I've been good at or particularly interested in or wanted to do. I've earned a good living over the years doing things I'm suited for and have enjoyed. I'm not suddenly going to turn into a builder's mate at this time of life.

We have just taken out a one hundred and fifty year old, 30 metre run of mixed hedging, with huge stone boundaries, and replaced it with 30 metres of mostly bought in fencing panels, with some made to measure by us panels as well. My OH is in remission from cancer, has had a heart attack and I spend 50 % of my time caring for someone, unpaid. It was a project we designed, bought and carried out together, taking our time, helping each other, and we are simply so proud of what we have done together, and the money we have saved. A good few years older than you as well. I would say, give it a go together. We had great fun, saved thousands and it’s all exactly what we wanted. But the best bit was sharing doing it🥰

I'm in my 40s and that sounds like hell to me . And I enjoy small diy projects .
But building a custom shed needs people who know what they are doing and physically strong .
He needs to get more quotes or buy something more sensible that will be built on delivery. Like so many others who don't have an endless supply of free helpers do .
Driving you or picking you up does not compare to this

I'd put my coat on and hold up pieces of the shed. You work together as a team and this benefits you both. Sorry op yabu here

Could you find a couple of local teenagers who would be willing to help out for a few quid an hour, @Tripewriter? It's the sort of thing my boys would have done, when they were teens.

Ultimately you can’t be arsed being 60 a bit of fetching carrying and holding things shouldn’t be beyond you

so the up shot is because you can’t be arsed it going to cost £1000’s more to get it done

You’ve made me laugh. This sounds exactly like me. I’m in my seventies but my husband who has always had 20 times my strength expects me to help him lug bits of steel around the garden for his various projects. He also expects me to stand in the cold admiring his skill while he works. He is quite handy around the house so I put up with him.

Hell would freeze over before I would do this. It sounds dreadful.

I bet you will have a million rows whilst he treats you like a labourer.

Also, it's a horrible thing to do. Lugging crap to skips and building from the ground up.

I'm not lazy. I have painted the exterior and interior of several of our houses. I even tiled the kitchen. I mow lawns, I have ripped up carpets and taken down wallpaper. DIY is something I am okay with doing. But if something is beyond me physically or sounds awful to do (for a prolonged period) I won't do it.

My DH isn't physically able to do much DIY and he hates it, so I happily did the above tasks on my own and then we hired people when we could afford it for the things I didn't want to do.

The fact that he thinks taking you in the car for an hour is even remotely equivalent is wild.

I understand that a well built shed is worth it. But your idea of him working part time to pay for it is a good one.

I think it's time you start putting your foot down otherwise you'll be in for a loooooooong retirement with his projects lol

I don't think it's that simple building a high spec shed. It's not like a bnq one that's 4 small sides and a roof .
Obviously alot more to it given how long it's going to take and the predicted cost if paying professionals.
Not to mention the taking the old one down and cleaning the area .
But if you think this is all super easy then maybe you could explain why anyone ever pays professionals to do these jobs ? Given how easy it all is . And is mostly just fetching and holding stuff.

£15k for a shed 😮 We’ve just had one built and it was just under £3k. We’re getting electrics put it but it’ll only be another £500 or so 😂 Back to the point, I wouldn’t help him. I never help DH as I can’t be arsed. I absolutely loathe DIY and when I’ve helped in the past it’s as though time’s stood still, that’s how boring it is. I’m happy with my crocheting thanks very much 😂

Is this about more than the shed? Reading your responses there seems to be a deeper issue about how you are both navigating his retirement. Maybe it would help to discuss dreams, hobbies and expectations in general?

Surely he won’t need that much help.
The old shed in a skip, mini digger for the clearing. Bit of help with the skeleton of the shed and the roof structure. Metal roof sheeting is ordered at the correct length.
My Dh has built a big shed this year and I was only needed for holding posts level and then the roof timbers I did have to listen to the shed progress and make the right noises but it wasn’t very onerous

Your description is not of a shed though, it's more of a garden building and he's asking you to be a full-time builder's mate for the duration.
Which is not reasonable.
You need to stand your ground here.
You can't drop everything to do this and you're not physically the right person either.
Be firm. Let him strop. Offer what you can do - an hour here and there, the necessary teamaking, etc. Not full on full time builder's mate, no no no.

I can totally understand your reticence to do this OP, he’s wants you to help, but when you do help and assist him he is short tempered and unpleasant towards you. So not only is this backbreaking work which in itself is not a pleasant thing, but to get treated like crap while helping does sod all to motivate you to want to actually help….so why would you?!

I understand because my DH is a carpenter/joiner, we have done many projects together. I am pretty decent with tools and strong myself so I am fairly competent and useful, but he can get incredibly rude and derogatory when I am not doing something fast enough, struggle to carry something very heavy or can’t find the exact too he wants (usually because it’s not where he said it was) and it’s just exhausting!!! We work well together or many things, but this type of thing has to be in small doses as otherwise I really start to dislike him!!!

Your DP could look on Grafter, it’s easy to hire someone who will labour for a day rate.

Can you explain how you know better than @Tripewriter what she is capable of, @rwalker?

I would do it (not at 60 yet so may change my mind when I get there).

It will be cheaper and quicker if you both agree to remain calm and work together.

I am at 60, and there's no way I could do this.

This! You’re 60, not 90! I totally get that we all have different skills but I’m guessing you have been married for a while so do you not have a good relationship?

if this was my husband ( me 65, him 60 married 30 years) I would definitely help, despite my ( not inconsiderable) health issues. I certainly wouldn’t start an argument!

Does the new shed have to go where the current/old shed currently is? Can you not relocate it - build the new one and then move everything from the old into the new and then dismantle the old one? If not, what's the plan for storing the contents of the current/old shed while you're building the new one?

I'm in two minds on this tbh - DH and I tackle this sort of stuff together - but if your DH is retired and this shed is for his stuff then surely this is his project and it's not really fair to expect you to spend so much time doing something he knows you'll hate.

btw you need to rethink the garden - ground cover plants and mulch are your friends 😀

I'd happily build a shed on my own at 60, it's not a ridiculous suggestion. But in this case, OP is perfectly reasonable to decide it's not for her.

My husband and I have just bought a 12' by 8' log cabin for £4k, which can be DIY but we're going to pay for someone to install it (an estimated £750-£1k). We need it to actually be watertight!

We didn't go with this company in the end, but were very torn and were going to buy one of their summerhouses. They make modular buildings to order and can do bespoke, installation included - any retailers near you? https://phoenixsheds.co.uk/retail-outlets/

All the nopes from me! DP hasn’t asked me to help him build a shed thankfully, but I completely relate to the standing about while main character measures, tweaks, measures again, scratches his head, more measuring, makes strange hmmm type noises, measures again, then walks off to find something with absolutely no explanation. Sorry, got carried away there🤣 I fucking HATE being the builder’s mate. I think he just likes me standing there holding a spanner so that he isn’t alone. No way on this good green earth would I even contemplate building a shed. Not so much as a bird house in fact. We have very different ways of working. And I’m not a team player!

Why not at 60 this is madness .
Why do people not lol after themselves ? Oh im
60 I can’t possibly do any form of exercise .

Seems like one takes car of their health and the other doesn’t this one of the problems .