DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

Be honest with him that you don’t want to be the only help on this project and find a compromise.

He does the majority of the take down of the old shed - no reason why two of you have to do that - perhaps get one of your kids to dedicate a weekend to help with the worst of the takedown.

He then works on prepping the site on his own.

You help with the construction when an extra pair of hands is absolutely needed.

You get one of your kids to dedicate another weekend.

He gets a couple of mates to help out on a couple of afternoons.

It might take a bit longer but that’s the compromise.

Doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

@2JFDIYOLO See my post at 11.18.

If you don’t wish to help (and you have very good reasons not to) you need to keep saying no, I won’t be helping. I’d be telling him that £15k would be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

The risk is you wreck your back or shoulders. My mum has always been physically fit and done lots of DIY , heavy lifting and gardening but a couple of years ago, she knackered her back on a DIY project. It has never been the same and I now do a lot of the heavy lifting and even light lifteing for her. I think as we get older our bodies just don't quite have the same bounceback. He can find a keen kid to help out.

Just get on with it and stop being lazy. You’ll probably be holding something here and there whilst he screws.

Stay strong, OP. Arthritic hands & a bad back? No way your DH should be even contemplating asking you to help!

Ignore all the posters telling you they'd do it - most of them don't seem to have read your posts anyway. Perhaps they should all come round to your place & help your DH build the shed?

Reciprocate the 'favour' he did for you ang give him a lift to B&Q. YANBU.

Good grief ! since when has being a wife involved building a garden shed from scratch ?!!!

surely your only involvement would be bringing out the occasional cup of tea, and letting him know when lunch is ready.

and he is a carpenter !!!

Is there a middle ground where you offer SOME help but not all?

I'm not a good judge though - the one and only time I helped build a shed, I ended up in A&E, then surgery and laid up for a month..... Our shed doesn't even get mentioned now.

A ready-made 6K shed will be flimsier and not as high quality as him and you doing the labour and creating one that would have been 15K.

I don't know why you WOULDN'T help tbh, not every bit of what you do in life is fun, and it will benefit you indirectly... yes it sounds like a big project but it sounds like it's something he really wants to do. So, make sure you also have something you really want to do and ask him to return the favour at some point.

I wouldn’t be doing that. My new large shed cost about £700 from a shed company and I paid someone £200 to put it up for me. You can definitely get one for less than £15k even if i you use not doing it yourself!

Depending on what he’s building he’ll not be bringing it in for 7.5k. I built a 5x3.5m garden room two years ago and it cost just under £11k. The only thing I paid for outside of materials was the electricians to hookup the power to the main house and run the armoured cable to the garden room consumer unit, and that was in the region of a grand. So call it 10k materials two years ago and things have gone up massively since. He might be building something far more modest, and I did go for a very high spec but still, I think his mate is about right with the 15k quote for what it’s worth if he’s not charging him labour / mates rates.

Honestly just crack on, if it's needed to free up the house then it's worth it surely? !! You can always say you can only help for a two hour period today 'because......., so please can you think carefully how best to use my time so I'm not standing about in the cold'

I'm in my 60s DH is late 60s. Last year we built a base for a new much needed much larger greenhouse - I personally shifted 2/3 of the ballast needed (we did pay the company to erect it because we knew the glass might be tricky) - advantage to me no windowsills and tables full of plants indoors this year and as well as redoing a total of about 120ft of fencing (which requires post holes digging out and new concrete posts going in) - advantage to me I can plant dahlias this year safe in the knowledge the bloody deer won't be eating the flowers. Rebuilding a bigger, much better conservatory with a proper roof is on the cards this year - advantage to me is I get a cupboard tall enough to store an upright hoover and my new carpet cleaner they just live in the conservatory right now.
I'm slightly overweight and never do formal exercise/go to a gym but it's perfectly within a normally active person's capabilities to help like this IMHO, but I only tend to help on projects that suit me!!

the arthritis does complicate things - presumably DH knows about this?
Which is why i said there needs to be compromise.

My DH sounds similar. It's almost a constant stream of consciousness narration of his whole day.

He was getting ready for a bike ride yesterday and it's 'I don't know whether to wear the really thick cold weather kit, what do you think?'. It doesn't sound like much, but it's all the time! It's mentally exhausting.

I have my own things I'm thinking about, I'm not always asking him 'Shall I do a whites wash first or coloureds. Maybe do those wool jumpers because it's a nice day and I can dry them on the lawn'.

I would help him.

It just needs a reality check and some honest, friendly communication.

If you don't want to do it, that's up to you, but he's not unreasonable to ask. My husband is 61 and recently built a new shed and I was happy to go out and help him occasionally when he needed an extra pair of hands - I am fit and 55 but it wasn't particularly onerous. He did 95% of it without my help, I probably did an hour or 2.

I'm 57 and it would be me building it. i'd expect the odd hand hold and coffees and biscuits on hand but the more my OH can keep himself out of my way the better.

With dismantling, the last shed I needed to dismantle I put on Freecycle as free if they take it apart and a couple came, and it was down and in their van in about half an hour.

I'm with you OP

Not in a million years

Thanks for that reference. They look okay, and better than many I've seen but still the shiplap is only 15mm and OH's spec was 28-30mm. I'm beginning to think that £15k isn't such a bad price after all!

I agree. You are a team. If you can help, help. Especially if the alternative is dropping £15k on something!

@Tripewriter can you use some of the money saved for a nice holiday or some item or home improvement for your benefit?

See my post of 11.18.

Was it a flatpack? Pre-fabricated?

I'm 60 and I'd help if DH wanted to save us money by building the shed himself. Seems like a good idea to me rather than paying twice as much.
Of course, he has helped me with lots of stuff too so I don't see it as an issue.
But if you don't want to or feel you're not up to it then you're perfectly entitled to say no. Him giving you a lift once doesn't obligate you to build a shed.